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Wednesday, 10 October 2018
Thursday, 27 September 2018
The 1st time my uncle got himself arrested! (part 2)
My uncle didn't have that much luck...
Obviously...
But luck struck him that day!
It came at him like an arrow!
Straight and true!
My uncle was a janitor by trade, and he was walking from toilet number two to toilet number three when he bumped into a customer asking for directions to the fruit and veg section.
'It's...right at the front of the shop. When you first enter the door. The first thing you see.'
The customer slapped his sides and laughed.
'I'm not that good with this sort of thing!' he replied. 'I don't visits shops often. I spend most of my time in the country. I sell scarecrows by trade!'
Marvellous!
A scarecrow trader!
When my uncle heard this he quickly devised a plan.
'Do you have a scarecrow on you right now?'
'I have a couple in the back,' said the man. 'I can fetch you one now if you've got the money.'
'...I've got the money...'
He didn't. He's wages had been docked.
He would have to find some way of getting the cash!
'O that's great!' said the scarecrow seller. 'I'll be right back!'
Now my uncle needed cash.
His plan wouldn't work without it.
So he walked up to one of the tills and pretended to have a seizure.
The person behind the till ran off to fetch help, and so my uncle had his chance.
He ran up tot he till and grabbed all the cash!
Excellent!
The plan was going well so far!
Once he had what he needed he ran and hid in the back.
He waited for the scarecrow man to return.
It took about five minutes.
Brilliant!
My uncle thrust the cash into the other mans hand. 'Take this!' he said. 'The scarecrow is perfect!'
'I am glad you think so,' said the other man. 'I work hard on my scarecrows. I try to make them look as lifelike as possible! Them crows, you see, them be getting mighty smart of like. Me think they be watching a little bit too much of the old Hitchcock's stuff! Har har!'
My uncle grabbed the scarecrow and ran away to the far corners of the shop.
He then set up a scene.
He stuck a broom up the scarecrow, so he could stand, then shoved him next to the bucket, and a toilet.
He needed to be next to a toilet of course, to show that he was working!
Excellent!
He hung a sign around the scarecrows neck reading:
"Hi! MY name is Clyde! I am a janitor and I work here!"
His manager would see the scarecrow later that day and mumble to himself: 'That is one fine worker I employed. Such a decent man! Works so hard on just one toilet! I wish I had more staff like that!'
Clyde's plan worked a treat!
It was now time to get out of the place and find his car again.
He sooo desperately needed to find his car.
I mean what fool wouldn't?
It had a dead body in it!
Clyde finally found the car, he had to run a couple of miles, but he made it, through desperation.
Good stuff!
Sweating, and exhausted, he checked the boot.
Yes!
The body was still inside.
Nobody had stolen it!
He now had to think about what he was going to do.
Just then, as he stood thinking, the packages of drugs fell out of his coat!
He had been carrying the drugs around with him all day!
At police station...
And at work!!!!
Damn what crazy thing!
He got into the car and drove home.
He thought he would hide the body in his house for a few days.
Just as he pulled his car into the car park and turned off the engines, a limousine drove into view. The limousine stopped right next to his own car, so Clyde had no choice but to face the fancy vehicle when he stepped out.
What was a limousine doing driving around this dingy part of town?
The door to the limousine opened and out stepped a tall bold man dressed in black, with black shades over his eyes. He stood there, arms folded, looking at my uncle, as he stepped out of his car.
Now here my uncle had a dilemma.
Should he get back into his car and drive away...?
Should he ignore the man in black shades...?
But what about the body?
He couldn't leave it in the car unattended...
Okay.
So he decided to say hello.
The man in shades was not impressed.
'What have you got in the boot of the car?' said the man in shades.
Uhh...air?
Again, the man in shades was not impressed.
To my uncles surprise the man in shades introduced himself. He shook my uncles hand and gave his name freely, 'My name is Mila Dimitri.'
'Good to meet you, Mila, sir. My names Clyde.'
'I like your manners Clyde,' said Mila. 'Have you by any chance met a horrible little man called Edward Price?'
'No sir. Never heard of him.'
'A pity. I would pay a man well for any information on Edward Price. Edward Price is my quarry. I hate him. If someone was to kill him I would not only thank them, but hug them, and pay them well. He has done much ill to me and my family in the past. I want him dead more than anything in life itself. If only somebody would kill that vile man!'
'That's interesting,' said Clyde. 'Can we talk in private?'
'Of course!'
My uncle was invited inside the limousine, there he was given a cigar and poured champagne.
They drove him to a very fancy restaurant with some french name my uncle couldn't remember.
Mila ordered a fine meal and it was three hours before they started to talk about Edward Price again.
By that time my uncle was thoroughly drunk and relaxed.
'Edward is dead,' he said. 'I killed him.'
Mila stood from his chair, dropped to one knee, and kissed my uncle Clyde's left hand.
'You are a hero to my people,' said Mila. 'You have killed a great enemy of my family. I will pay you well for this deed!'
Marvellous!
But Mila had one more thing to ask before business was done.
'Was Edward carrying any certain packages?'
My uncle Clyde smiled, gave Mila the wink with his right eye, and slide the drugs into the other mans hands. 'I think these are yours,' he said.
Mila removed his dark shades and my uncle saw the light and joy sparkle in the mans blue eyes.
'You are the greatest man I have ever met!' said Mila to my uncle. 'I shall make you a king beyond kings for this!'
'That's very kind,' my uncle replied.
'Follow me. I have something to show you.'
They returned to the limousine.
They drove a long way.
Long enough for my uncle to sober up.
Finally they stopped by the docks.
They got out of the car and Mila showed my uncle a huge cruise ship.
It was a real fancy ship, very impressive.
My uncle was thinking at the time, "Maybe I have won myself a nice little cruise! It will be wonderful to have a break after all the crazy things that I have been going on!"
Mila slapped my uncle on the shoulder like a friend of old and pointed at the cruiser. 'It's yours,' he said.
WHAT??!!!
'I want you to take care of my ship for a few weeks,' Mila explained. 'I have urgent business to attend to. But I don't want to leave my ship unattended. The Sevastopol is yours! She's a fine ship, comrade Clyde, so be a gentleman and take care of her!'
'This is a bit much you know...'
'I know you can handle it,' said Mila. 'You area man of action, Clyde. I can see that. You are someone who thinks on their feet. Running my ship will be easy to a man like you. I would trust no one else apart from you Clyde to do this thing. You killed Edward Price, my sworn enemy. Not even my best assassins could take that man out. But you succeeded where they failed!'
ASSASSINS??!!!
Mila showed my uncle aboard the ship, and introduced him to the crew.
They looked terrified when they saw Mila, like men at gunpoint, and when they saw Clyde they bowed several times.
'They will serve you loyally,' Mila told my uncle. 'Your first destination is Cuba! Enjoy your trip!'
So Mila took h is leave and my uncle Clyde was left standing on the deck of the ship, with several navy staff who wouldn't stop bowing and thanking him for being such a great leader. He didn't have a clue what to do!
This was the first time he had ever managed a cruise ship...
... Funnily enough...
What could go wrong???
=========
Also take a look at:
Play Given 'em Hell
My YouTube Channel
Obviously...
But luck struck him that day!
It came at him like an arrow!
Straight and true!
My uncle was a janitor by trade, and he was walking from toilet number two to toilet number three when he bumped into a customer asking for directions to the fruit and veg section.
'It's...right at the front of the shop. When you first enter the door. The first thing you see.'
The customer slapped his sides and laughed.
'I'm not that good with this sort of thing!' he replied. 'I don't visits shops often. I spend most of my time in the country. I sell scarecrows by trade!'
Marvellous!
A scarecrow trader!
When my uncle heard this he quickly devised a plan.
'Do you have a scarecrow on you right now?'
'I have a couple in the back,' said the man. 'I can fetch you one now if you've got the money.'
'...I've got the money...'
He didn't. He's wages had been docked.
He would have to find some way of getting the cash!
'O that's great!' said the scarecrow seller. 'I'll be right back!'
Now my uncle needed cash.
His plan wouldn't work without it.
So he walked up to one of the tills and pretended to have a seizure.
The person behind the till ran off to fetch help, and so my uncle had his chance.
He ran up tot he till and grabbed all the cash!
Excellent!
The plan was going well so far!
Once he had what he needed he ran and hid in the back.
He waited for the scarecrow man to return.
It took about five minutes.
Brilliant!
My uncle thrust the cash into the other mans hand. 'Take this!' he said. 'The scarecrow is perfect!'
'I am glad you think so,' said the other man. 'I work hard on my scarecrows. I try to make them look as lifelike as possible! Them crows, you see, them be getting mighty smart of like. Me think they be watching a little bit too much of the old Hitchcock's stuff! Har har!'
My uncle grabbed the scarecrow and ran away to the far corners of the shop.
He then set up a scene.
He stuck a broom up the scarecrow, so he could stand, then shoved him next to the bucket, and a toilet.
He needed to be next to a toilet of course, to show that he was working!
Excellent!
He hung a sign around the scarecrows neck reading:
"Hi! MY name is Clyde! I am a janitor and I work here!"
His manager would see the scarecrow later that day and mumble to himself: 'That is one fine worker I employed. Such a decent man! Works so hard on just one toilet! I wish I had more staff like that!'
Clyde's plan worked a treat!
It was now time to get out of the place and find his car again.
He sooo desperately needed to find his car.
I mean what fool wouldn't?
It had a dead body in it!
Clyde finally found the car, he had to run a couple of miles, but he made it, through desperation.
Good stuff!
Sweating, and exhausted, he checked the boot.
Yes!
The body was still inside.
Nobody had stolen it!
He now had to think about what he was going to do.
Just then, as he stood thinking, the packages of drugs fell out of his coat!
He had been carrying the drugs around with him all day!
At police station...
And at work!!!!
Damn what crazy thing!
He got into the car and drove home.
He thought he would hide the body in his house for a few days.
Just as he pulled his car into the car park and turned off the engines, a limousine drove into view. The limousine stopped right next to his own car, so Clyde had no choice but to face the fancy vehicle when he stepped out.
What was a limousine doing driving around this dingy part of town?
The door to the limousine opened and out stepped a tall bold man dressed in black, with black shades over his eyes. He stood there, arms folded, looking at my uncle, as he stepped out of his car.
Now here my uncle had a dilemma.
Should he get back into his car and drive away...?
Should he ignore the man in black shades...?
But what about the body?
He couldn't leave it in the car unattended...
Okay.
So he decided to say hello.
The man in shades was not impressed.
'What have you got in the boot of the car?' said the man in shades.
Uhh...air?
Again, the man in shades was not impressed.
To my uncles surprise the man in shades introduced himself. He shook my uncles hand and gave his name freely, 'My name is Mila Dimitri.'
'Good to meet you, Mila, sir. My names Clyde.'
'I like your manners Clyde,' said Mila. 'Have you by any chance met a horrible little man called Edward Price?'
'No sir. Never heard of him.'
'A pity. I would pay a man well for any information on Edward Price. Edward Price is my quarry. I hate him. If someone was to kill him I would not only thank them, but hug them, and pay them well. He has done much ill to me and my family in the past. I want him dead more than anything in life itself. If only somebody would kill that vile man!'
'That's interesting,' said Clyde. 'Can we talk in private?'
'Of course!'
My uncle was invited inside the limousine, there he was given a cigar and poured champagne.
They drove him to a very fancy restaurant with some french name my uncle couldn't remember.
Mila ordered a fine meal and it was three hours before they started to talk about Edward Price again.
By that time my uncle was thoroughly drunk and relaxed.
'Edward is dead,' he said. 'I killed him.'
Mila stood from his chair, dropped to one knee, and kissed my uncle Clyde's left hand.
'You are a hero to my people,' said Mila. 'You have killed a great enemy of my family. I will pay you well for this deed!'
Marvellous!
But Mila had one more thing to ask before business was done.
'Was Edward carrying any certain packages?'
My uncle Clyde smiled, gave Mila the wink with his right eye, and slide the drugs into the other mans hands. 'I think these are yours,' he said.
Mila removed his dark shades and my uncle saw the light and joy sparkle in the mans blue eyes.
'You are the greatest man I have ever met!' said Mila to my uncle. 'I shall make you a king beyond kings for this!'
'That's very kind,' my uncle replied.
'Follow me. I have something to show you.'
They returned to the limousine.
They drove a long way.
Long enough for my uncle to sober up.
Finally they stopped by the docks.
They got out of the car and Mila showed my uncle a huge cruise ship.
It was a real fancy ship, very impressive.
My uncle was thinking at the time, "Maybe I have won myself a nice little cruise! It will be wonderful to have a break after all the crazy things that I have been going on!"
Mila slapped my uncle on the shoulder like a friend of old and pointed at the cruiser. 'It's yours,' he said.
WHAT??!!!
'I want you to take care of my ship for a few weeks,' Mila explained. 'I have urgent business to attend to. But I don't want to leave my ship unattended. The Sevastopol is yours! She's a fine ship, comrade Clyde, so be a gentleman and take care of her!'
'This is a bit much you know...'
'I know you can handle it,' said Mila. 'You area man of action, Clyde. I can see that. You are someone who thinks on their feet. Running my ship will be easy to a man like you. I would trust no one else apart from you Clyde to do this thing. You killed Edward Price, my sworn enemy. Not even my best assassins could take that man out. But you succeeded where they failed!'
ASSASSINS??!!!
Mila showed my uncle aboard the ship, and introduced him to the crew.
They looked terrified when they saw Mila, like men at gunpoint, and when they saw Clyde they bowed several times.
'They will serve you loyally,' Mila told my uncle. 'Your first destination is Cuba! Enjoy your trip!'
So Mila took h is leave and my uncle Clyde was left standing on the deck of the ship, with several navy staff who wouldn't stop bowing and thanking him for being such a great leader. He didn't have a clue what to do!
This was the first time he had ever managed a cruise ship...
... Funnily enough...
What could go wrong???
=========
Also take a look at:
Play Given 'em Hell
My YouTube Channel
Witches Brew a short text based adventure game!
Tuesday, 25 September 2018
MY NEW BOOK: Octopus in the Brain!
"Do you remember the fair? Do you remember the dancing man? The man in the chequered suit? I saw him fifty years ago... I saw him the other week - and he hadn't aged a day... Ever since I saw him again I can't stop dreaming about the sea and the Octopus... And I can't shake the image of a town sinking under the ocean waves."
Two thugs are dispatched on an assassination mission to take down a crime lord. They seek the man out, take him in, but lose their nerve at the last minute - the rest of their journey is a road into darkness and beyond.
There's something rotten in the heart of Summer Time Town...
...Something ancient, something vile, something eating at the soul of the town.
And it needs to be destroyed...
ABOUT ME:
Sean Wadley lives in Tewkesbury and works full time in a Medical Pathology Laboratory. In private he enjoys writing. His works encompass, mainly, science fiction, mystery and the eccentric.
=========
Also take a look at:
Play Given 'em Hell
My YouTube Channel
* * *
Two thugs are dispatched on an assassination mission to take down a crime lord. They seek the man out, take him in, but lose their nerve at the last minute - the rest of their journey is a road into darkness and beyond.
There's something rotten in the heart of Summer Time Town...
...Something ancient, something vile, something eating at the soul of the town.
And it needs to be destroyed...
ABOUT ME:
Sean Wadley lives in Tewkesbury and works full time in a Medical Pathology Laboratory. In private he enjoys writing. His works encompass, mainly, science fiction, mystery and the eccentric.
=========
Also take a look at:
Play Given 'em Hell
My YouTube Channel
Witches Brew a short text based adventure game!
Tuesday, 4 September 2018
The Walls
I had lived for decades in a room with nicotine stained walls – and dirty windows I couldn’t bear to look out of. I lived with the same stench of smoke and mildew swimming around my nostrils. I became part of the smell – the fetid odour, weak, and dribbling, slopping about, just about existing – wafting from one segment of open air to the other.
Drifting.
Drifting.
Like a foul smell.
I would go from my room to my job.
I walked under the black skies.
It was always dark.
So much smoke in the air.
NO stars.
The moon was a dream.
What was the moon?
What was the sun?
All dreams.
Just thoughts that go into the mind and jump about and play games with each other every now and then – fun games that just about keep the boredom at bay.
I always liked to dream of a sunny day. Damn! Just one sunny day…
Can you imagine a sunny day? A walk in the park? The wind singing in the trees, the water kissing the beech, sending a sweet hiss into the air? Seagulls screaming – happy to be alive.
Just a dream.
All a dream.
There was nothing else but dreams when you live in one room with yellow walls – with one road leading to work.
You need dreams when you walk under the night sky.
And the evil thing about life, with all its smoky smells and mildew, is that it tries to steal your dreams.
But you have got to say no. You’ve got to hang on for dear life to those dreams. Carry them as crystal rings on your bony fingers. Let those beautiful diamonds shine somewhere, in your heart if there’s nowhere else and if some foul stench tries to rip them away put a cage round that vital piece of beating muscle, put soldiers there with knifes and assassinate that fiend without guilt and sorrow.
Just do it.
Fight the assassin.
Beat the rigour of that phantom.
Don’t let it steal your dreams.
But it will.
Drifting.
Drifting.
Like a foul smell.
I would go from my room to my job.
I walked under the black skies.
It was always dark.
So much smoke in the air.
NO stars.
The moon was a dream.
What was the moon?
What was the sun?
All dreams.
Just thoughts that go into the mind and jump about and play games with each other every now and then – fun games that just about keep the boredom at bay.
I always liked to dream of a sunny day. Damn! Just one sunny day…
Can you imagine a sunny day? A walk in the park? The wind singing in the trees, the water kissing the beech, sending a sweet hiss into the air? Seagulls screaming – happy to be alive.
Just a dream.
All a dream.
There was nothing else but dreams when you live in one room with yellow walls – with one road leading to work.
You need dreams when you walk under the night sky.
And the evil thing about life, with all its smoky smells and mildew, is that it tries to steal your dreams.
But you have got to say no. You’ve got to hang on for dear life to those dreams. Carry them as crystal rings on your bony fingers. Let those beautiful diamonds shine somewhere, in your heart if there’s nowhere else and if some foul stench tries to rip them away put a cage round that vital piece of beating muscle, put soldiers there with knifes and assassinate that fiend without guilt and sorrow.
Just do it.
Fight the assassin.
Beat the rigour of that phantom.
Don’t let it steal your dreams.
But it will.
Sunday, 26 August 2018
The 1st time my uncle got himself arrested! (part 1)
This is the story about the first time my uncle got arrested.
He has been arrested many times, since.
But this was his first time.
My dear old uncle Clyde is very accident prone...
He's a kind person.
Tries to do right, but no matter the situation he always messes it up.
On this occasion he messed things up very badly indeed.
And all he wanted was to be helpful!
Poor fool...
He was working as a janitor for Wilkinson's at the time, this was four weeks after being sacked from Tesco's where he had worked fort eight years as a floor sweeper:
He had dropped his bucket onto a customers foot...
Clyde was driving home, minding his own business. It was nine in in the evening, winter, dark, and in the flash of the car light he saw a fellow stranded on the side of the road and frantically waving his arms for help. It appeared that their car had crashed into a bank and there was oil spilling out everywhere!
He was a stranger by my uncle was still up and willing to help!
It was his way.
My uncle stopped his car and stepped out an asked what the problem was.
'Just crashed me old car,' said the stranger.
'I can see that,' my uncle replied.
'I don't suppose you could help us out could you? It would be great, mate, if you could. I just don't know what to do!'
'Are you with the RAC AA?'
'No mate I don't do that sort of thing!'
'I will call the police!'
'No mate! Don't do that! I don't want the police involved in this. This is a private matter, mate. Private! And private means no police, like! I just don't want those police sticking their noses into my business!'
'Well,' said my uncle, 'I don't know what to suggest.'
'I don't suppose you know a mechanic?'
'No. Do you?'
'Are you a mechanic?'
'I am a janitor. Formerly a floor sweeper of Tesco. I have been demoted.'
'Sorry to hear about that, mate. Look. I need help here. I don't suppose I could use your car?'
'...I can give you a lift...'
'I need somewhere to stay? Hey! I have an idea! Why not let me stay with you! That sounds like a great idea!'
'Well I don;t know...'
'How about one day? How does that sound son? I stay at yours for one day! Come on man! Where's your charitable spirit? We are all brothers of the road here! We've got to help each other out!'
My uncle agreed to help.
You can stay for one day!
That's all.
Back home and the stranger made himself nice and comfortable.
My uncle was amazed to see this!
The stranger just walked in, grabbed a can and spread himself out on the sofa.
'Cheers mate!'
My uncle was in despair!
How had he gotten himself into this utterly mad situation?!?!
My uncle said he had to get up early for work.
'Good for you mate,' said the stranger.
'What's your name?'
He was called Edward Price.
He didn't ask for my uncles name.
He didn't care.
He was too busy rubbing his dirty boots on the arm of the sofa.
Just then there was a knock on the door.
Edward jumped behind the sofa.
'Tell them I'm not here!' he screamed.
MY uncle opened the door.
It was the police!
'We're looking for a man called Edward Price. Seen him? Here's a picture of him.'
My uncle said he had never seen the man before.
He was a loyal fool.
'Let us know if you do,' said the police officer. 'He's dangerous and wanted!'
They left.
Edward emerged from his hiding place patted my uncle on the shoulder.
'Good man!' he said. 'You and I are like brothers!'
'I... don't know about that...'
There was another knock!
Edward retook his position behind the sofa as my uncle opened the door.
This time it was two large brutes!
They were big lads!
Not the kind of guys you wanted to mess with!
'Can I help you gentleman?'
One of them spoke. 'We want to look behind your sofa!'
What?
'Not so fast!'
It was Edward!
He was holding a Berretta 9mm at the two thugs. 'You won't get me this time!' he cried.
He shot one of the men dead.
The other thug fled into the dark, barely escaping...
Edward fired two more shots, then turned to my uncle!
'Get into the car mate! They'll be back with more lads before you know it, and then we will have a war on our hands!'
'A war???!!!!'
My uncle couldn't believe what was happening.
I don't think anyone in his situation would either.
'Get in the car!' Edward screamed.
Not feeling in the mood to argue with an armed man my uncle got back into the car.
Edward sat at the back, and placed the guns muzzle at my uncles temple.
'Stay calm mate,' he said. 'Just drive!'
'Drive where?'
'Anywhere! Just keep going otherwise those lads are going to find us again!'
So my uncle turned the car on and drove.
Edward said my uncle was a good guy, and then added, ominously, 'But I will shoot you if I have to.'
They drove along quietly for a while.
My uncle was tired.
He was hoping he was going to wake up from this nightmare soon.
'I've got a six o clock shift you know? Those toilets won't clean themselves you know?'
'Keep those lips from moving,' said the madman Edward. 'Remember who has the gun!'
Just then another car pulled up.
My uncle saw it steer into view from his right screen window.
A dark beetle, black against the night.
'I can walk to work if you just want to steal my car,' said my uncle to his captor.
'Silence boy!' Edward screamed. 'You and are brothers in this war. We are in cahoots. We need each other to survive against the dark forces. If things are going to end in a blaze of glory then let us go out together. You and I! To the end brother!'
O no!
The drivers in the black car behind pulled down their windows and started shooting.
Bullets were ringing around everywhere!
Edward wound down his window and fired back.
'Go em!' he cried. 'Those Russians won't get me!'
Russians????
'Yeah!,' Edward replied. 'Russians gangsters. Been tracking me for the last few months!'
Good lord!
'There are a few more turning up! Keep driving lad, and I will keep firing.
My uncles car sparkled with bullets!
It might have looked nice, in a movie, or somewhere else.
This is a living nightmare!
'Did I tell you I start work at six in the morning????'
But Edward didn't car.
He just kept firing.
He was actually quite a good shot!
'This isn't your first gunfight is it?'
'NO,' Edward replied. 'I am fighting a war remember!'
Great.
The Russian cars disappeared from view.
Thank goodness!
'Pull over!' Edward cried.
My uncle obeyed.
'I've been shot!' said Edward. 'I am bleeding out man! I won't last the night!'
'I'll call the ambulance!'
'No son! Don't do that. No ambulance! No police. I want to keep this private, remember?'
'Yeah. Sure.'
'Listen. Take this.'
He stuffed several paper packages into my uncles hands.
Edward said they were drugs. 'Take care of them!'
'I don't want them!'
'Just take them!' Edward cried in pain. 'This is all I am worth! My legacy! Sell them if needs be! Make some dough for yourself. You deserve it!'
No!
'Better put the fuel on son! I hear police!'
Edward died there and then.
My uncle was in despair, again.
What was he to do?
'What the heck am I going to do!?'
I think in every human brain there is this little thing - this little cell - and it kicks into action in a crises and makes rational (by that I mean boring) people do crazy things!
And so my uncle did a crazy thing.
He got the dead body of Edward and bundled his corpse into the boot of the car!
There was blood everywhere it was crazy.
Just then the dark road lit up yellow and blue.
The police were there in force.
A police officer slowly got out of his car and casually strolled over.
'Let me see some ID citizen,' he said.
'I don't have any on me right now officer,' said my uncle.
The police officer chuckled.
'Don't worry son I just like to say that to scar people,' he said.
'That's very good officer.'
'Indeed. Anyway. I need to ask you some questions. Are you ready?'
'I guess.'
'Good! Now are you aware that this road has just been turned into a warzone?'
'Ah... no...?'
'What?' the officer exclaimed. 'You mean you didn't hear all the crazy explosions?'
'Very very bad hearing...'
The officer smacked my uncle round the face.
'You refer to me as sir, do you hear, son?'
'Sorry sir. Yes sir. I didn't hear all the gun-firing and explosions, sir.'
'Good man! Shame you didn't hear the explosions. Damn Russians! At it again!'
'This sort of thing happens regularly, sir?'
'Indeed my man. Regularly! Every other day. There's a war going on, don't you know son?'
'NO sir. But I do know now, sir.'
'Have you seen anything suspicious tonight?'
'Not really sir. Saw a... wagtail, in a tree, and they are usually asleep at this time of day. Like I should be, sleeping and getting ready for work!'
The police officer slapped my uncle again across the face again. 'Are you disrespecting me boy? Are you saying you would rather be in bed, getting ready for work, than helping me solve this terrible crime?'
'NO! NO not at all!'
The police officer smacked my uncle for a third time, then adjusted his tie. 'Good! And you forgot to call me sir, that was what the last smack was for.'
'Sorry sir.'
My uncle bowed his head.
'What's all this red stuff up and down you?'
'O...That's just some wine I spilled before I set out on my peaceful enjoyable evening drive. I wasn't careful, sir. It was a good wine!'
'The wine is all over you! Don't you know how to drink properly?'
'Obviously not, sir.'
'We can remedy this! Follow me back to the station and I will teach you the best way to enjoy wine before an evening drive!'
'I'd rather not sir. If it's okay with you...'
'NO it is not! And here is another smack for not calling me sir and another smack for your ignorance. Now get in my car. We are going to the station!'
My uncle spent the whole night at the station with the officer, in a cell, where they shared a bottle of Burgundy red and watched several policemen try to eat a Chinese with chopsticks and fail.
They finally let him go in the morning.
Now my uncle had two problems:
1. He was late for work...
2. And he had a dead body in his car.
My uncle had to literally run to work.
He turned up ten minutes late.
His manager was not impressed.
'Do you know how many people out there in the world would love to have your job?' he said.
'I am so sorry sir I will get my bucket and broom at once!'
The manager wasn't having it.
He dragged my uncle aside and pushed him against a wall.
'I shouldn't do this. But I will.'
The manager punched my uncle right in the gut. 'I guess you are thinking about suing me? Go for it. There are no witnesses and no one will listen to you, a janitor, with no money. SO you will take it, right?'
'Yes sir,' said my uncle, trying to get his breath back.
'Good. At least we understand each other. You will do double shifts today. I am also docking your wages for two days. You speak against me and you'll be sacked, and find my boot up your backs side so fast Santa's home for Christmas! Do you understand me?'
'Yes sir.'
As my uncle was cleaning the toilets all he could think about was the dead body in his abandoned car.
He had to get back to the damn thing!
Anyone could find it!
But he had to work double shifts?
What was he to do?
That will have to wait for part 2...
He has been arrested many times, since.
But this was his first time.
My dear old uncle Clyde is very accident prone...
He's a kind person.
Tries to do right, but no matter the situation he always messes it up.
On this occasion he messed things up very badly indeed.
And all he wanted was to be helpful!
Poor fool...
He was working as a janitor for Wilkinson's at the time, this was four weeks after being sacked from Tesco's where he had worked fort eight years as a floor sweeper:
He had dropped his bucket onto a customers foot...
Clyde was driving home, minding his own business. It was nine in in the evening, winter, dark, and in the flash of the car light he saw a fellow stranded on the side of the road and frantically waving his arms for help. It appeared that their car had crashed into a bank and there was oil spilling out everywhere!
He was a stranger by my uncle was still up and willing to help!
It was his way.
My uncle stopped his car and stepped out an asked what the problem was.
'Just crashed me old car,' said the stranger.
'I can see that,' my uncle replied.
'I don't suppose you could help us out could you? It would be great, mate, if you could. I just don't know what to do!'
'Are you with the RAC AA?'
'No mate I don't do that sort of thing!'
'I will call the police!'
'No mate! Don't do that! I don't want the police involved in this. This is a private matter, mate. Private! And private means no police, like! I just don't want those police sticking their noses into my business!'
'Well,' said my uncle, 'I don't know what to suggest.'
'I don't suppose you know a mechanic?'
'No. Do you?'
'Are you a mechanic?'
'I am a janitor. Formerly a floor sweeper of Tesco. I have been demoted.'
'Sorry to hear about that, mate. Look. I need help here. I don't suppose I could use your car?'
'...I can give you a lift...'
'I need somewhere to stay? Hey! I have an idea! Why not let me stay with you! That sounds like a great idea!'
'Well I don;t know...'
'How about one day? How does that sound son? I stay at yours for one day! Come on man! Where's your charitable spirit? We are all brothers of the road here! We've got to help each other out!'
My uncle agreed to help.
You can stay for one day!
That's all.
Back home and the stranger made himself nice and comfortable.
My uncle was amazed to see this!
The stranger just walked in, grabbed a can and spread himself out on the sofa.
'Cheers mate!'
My uncle was in despair!
How had he gotten himself into this utterly mad situation?!?!
My uncle said he had to get up early for work.
'Good for you mate,' said the stranger.
'What's your name?'
He was called Edward Price.
He didn't ask for my uncles name.
He didn't care.
He was too busy rubbing his dirty boots on the arm of the sofa.
Just then there was a knock on the door.
Edward jumped behind the sofa.
'Tell them I'm not here!' he screamed.
MY uncle opened the door.
It was the police!
'We're looking for a man called Edward Price. Seen him? Here's a picture of him.'
My uncle said he had never seen the man before.
He was a loyal fool.
'Let us know if you do,' said the police officer. 'He's dangerous and wanted!'
They left.
Edward emerged from his hiding place patted my uncle on the shoulder.
'Good man!' he said. 'You and I are like brothers!'
'I... don't know about that...'
There was another knock!
Edward retook his position behind the sofa as my uncle opened the door.
This time it was two large brutes!
They were big lads!
Not the kind of guys you wanted to mess with!
'Can I help you gentleman?'
One of them spoke. 'We want to look behind your sofa!'
What?
'Not so fast!'
It was Edward!
He was holding a Berretta 9mm at the two thugs. 'You won't get me this time!' he cried.
He shot one of the men dead.
The other thug fled into the dark, barely escaping...
Edward fired two more shots, then turned to my uncle!
'Get into the car mate! They'll be back with more lads before you know it, and then we will have a war on our hands!'
'A war???!!!!'
My uncle couldn't believe what was happening.
I don't think anyone in his situation would either.
'Get in the car!' Edward screamed.
Not feeling in the mood to argue with an armed man my uncle got back into the car.
Edward sat at the back, and placed the guns muzzle at my uncles temple.
'Stay calm mate,' he said. 'Just drive!'
'Drive where?'
'Anywhere! Just keep going otherwise those lads are going to find us again!'
So my uncle turned the car on and drove.
Edward said my uncle was a good guy, and then added, ominously, 'But I will shoot you if I have to.'
They drove along quietly for a while.
My uncle was tired.
He was hoping he was going to wake up from this nightmare soon.
'I've got a six o clock shift you know? Those toilets won't clean themselves you know?'
'Keep those lips from moving,' said the madman Edward. 'Remember who has the gun!'
Just then another car pulled up.
My uncle saw it steer into view from his right screen window.
A dark beetle, black against the night.
'I can walk to work if you just want to steal my car,' said my uncle to his captor.
'Silence boy!' Edward screamed. 'You and are brothers in this war. We are in cahoots. We need each other to survive against the dark forces. If things are going to end in a blaze of glory then let us go out together. You and I! To the end brother!'
O no!
The drivers in the black car behind pulled down their windows and started shooting.
Bullets were ringing around everywhere!
Edward wound down his window and fired back.
'Go em!' he cried. 'Those Russians won't get me!'
Russians????
'Yeah!,' Edward replied. 'Russians gangsters. Been tracking me for the last few months!'
Good lord!
'There are a few more turning up! Keep driving lad, and I will keep firing.
My uncles car sparkled with bullets!
It might have looked nice, in a movie, or somewhere else.
This is a living nightmare!
'Did I tell you I start work at six in the morning????'
But Edward didn't car.
He just kept firing.
He was actually quite a good shot!
'This isn't your first gunfight is it?'
'NO,' Edward replied. 'I am fighting a war remember!'
Great.
The Russian cars disappeared from view.
Thank goodness!
'Pull over!' Edward cried.
My uncle obeyed.
'I've been shot!' said Edward. 'I am bleeding out man! I won't last the night!'
'I'll call the ambulance!'
'No son! Don't do that. No ambulance! No police. I want to keep this private, remember?'
'Yeah. Sure.'
'Listen. Take this.'
He stuffed several paper packages into my uncles hands.
Edward said they were drugs. 'Take care of them!'
'I don't want them!'
'Just take them!' Edward cried in pain. 'This is all I am worth! My legacy! Sell them if needs be! Make some dough for yourself. You deserve it!'
No!
'Better put the fuel on son! I hear police!'
Edward died there and then.
My uncle was in despair, again.
What was he to do?
'What the heck am I going to do!?'
I think in every human brain there is this little thing - this little cell - and it kicks into action in a crises and makes rational (by that I mean boring) people do crazy things!
And so my uncle did a crazy thing.
He got the dead body of Edward and bundled his corpse into the boot of the car!
There was blood everywhere it was crazy.
Just then the dark road lit up yellow and blue.
The police were there in force.
A police officer slowly got out of his car and casually strolled over.
'Let me see some ID citizen,' he said.
'I don't have any on me right now officer,' said my uncle.
The police officer chuckled.
'Don't worry son I just like to say that to scar people,' he said.
'That's very good officer.'
'Indeed. Anyway. I need to ask you some questions. Are you ready?'
'I guess.'
'Good! Now are you aware that this road has just been turned into a warzone?'
'Ah... no...?'
'What?' the officer exclaimed. 'You mean you didn't hear all the crazy explosions?'
'Very very bad hearing...'
The officer smacked my uncle round the face.
'You refer to me as sir, do you hear, son?'
'Sorry sir. Yes sir. I didn't hear all the gun-firing and explosions, sir.'
'Good man! Shame you didn't hear the explosions. Damn Russians! At it again!'
'This sort of thing happens regularly, sir?'
'Indeed my man. Regularly! Every other day. There's a war going on, don't you know son?'
'NO sir. But I do know now, sir.'
'Have you seen anything suspicious tonight?'
'Not really sir. Saw a... wagtail, in a tree, and they are usually asleep at this time of day. Like I should be, sleeping and getting ready for work!'
The police officer slapped my uncle again across the face again. 'Are you disrespecting me boy? Are you saying you would rather be in bed, getting ready for work, than helping me solve this terrible crime?'
'NO! NO not at all!'
The police officer smacked my uncle for a third time, then adjusted his tie. 'Good! And you forgot to call me sir, that was what the last smack was for.'
'Sorry sir.'
My uncle bowed his head.
'What's all this red stuff up and down you?'
'O...That's just some wine I spilled before I set out on my peaceful enjoyable evening drive. I wasn't careful, sir. It was a good wine!'
'The wine is all over you! Don't you know how to drink properly?'
'Obviously not, sir.'
'We can remedy this! Follow me back to the station and I will teach you the best way to enjoy wine before an evening drive!'
'I'd rather not sir. If it's okay with you...'
'NO it is not! And here is another smack for not calling me sir and another smack for your ignorance. Now get in my car. We are going to the station!'
My uncle spent the whole night at the station with the officer, in a cell, where they shared a bottle of Burgundy red and watched several policemen try to eat a Chinese with chopsticks and fail.
They finally let him go in the morning.
Now my uncle had two problems:
1. He was late for work...
2. And he had a dead body in his car.
My uncle had to literally run to work.
He turned up ten minutes late.
His manager was not impressed.
'Do you know how many people out there in the world would love to have your job?' he said.
'I am so sorry sir I will get my bucket and broom at once!'
The manager wasn't having it.
He dragged my uncle aside and pushed him against a wall.
'I shouldn't do this. But I will.'
The manager punched my uncle right in the gut. 'I guess you are thinking about suing me? Go for it. There are no witnesses and no one will listen to you, a janitor, with no money. SO you will take it, right?'
'Yes sir,' said my uncle, trying to get his breath back.
'Good. At least we understand each other. You will do double shifts today. I am also docking your wages for two days. You speak against me and you'll be sacked, and find my boot up your backs side so fast Santa's home for Christmas! Do you understand me?'
'Yes sir.'
As my uncle was cleaning the toilets all he could think about was the dead body in his abandoned car.
He had to get back to the damn thing!
Anyone could find it!
But he had to work double shifts?
What was he to do?
That will have to wait for part 2...
Thursday, 9 August 2018
New Game: Given 'em Hell!
My new game is ready to play!
You are promoted to manager of your office.
Your objective is to give your members of staff a really hard time!
You have three people working for you, Jim, Bob, and Phil, each one will react differently to your decisions.
HINT:
Drink lots of whiskey at the beginning!
You will need the help of your imaginary friend Billy!
Play Given 'em Hell
=========
Also take a look at:
My YouTube Channel
You are promoted to manager of your office.
Your objective is to give your members of staff a really hard time!
You have three people working for you, Jim, Bob, and Phil, each one will react differently to your decisions.
HINT:
Drink lots of whiskey at the beginning!
You will need the help of your imaginary friend Billy!
=========
Also take a look at:
My YouTube Channel
Witches Brew a short text based adventure game!
Wednesday, 8 August 2018
A scream in the night - the Owl Man strikes again?
I feel like I am involved in a living nightmare that will not end.
He was in the window.
I was beyond scared!
I saw it - this looming shadowy shape:
By the way it was just standing there I could see it contained some kind of darkness.
It was sinister - and horrible.
You could see no eyes but I knew it was watching.
How long had it been there?
I moved to another room.
Anywhere away from its great dark shape.
As large and terrible as the creature looked why did it not try to enter?
Surely it could have broken through the window if that was its intention?
But it did not?
But then why was it there why was it watching me?
By the time morning arrived there were no signs that the creature had been there.
I opened the window and checked. I looked for anything, claw marks, but there was nothing.
Of course then doubt started to set in.
I must have dreamed it the shadowy shape, right?
But then the night came in again, as it's doomed to do,
and outside in the dark I heard a sound.
An ear splitting screech!
I climbed towards the window.
Nothing is out there.
But I feel no relief.
That sound was made by no normal animal that exists on the earth.
It can only be him:
The Owl Man.
What does he want?
==============
Poem about dreams:
The mare steals dreams,
One must think hard, doubly hard,
and hold onto what is yours,
For your dreams are the most wonderful things,
and they are yours.
Resist the mare - forget his stare -
Do not let his deep eyes look into your brain,
For when he is inside those caverns he is hard to drive out.
And he will take your dreams
In bags of gold,
And swim away into the night.
Play Elfin Quest
My YouTube Channel
Witches Brew a short text based adventure game!
Thursday, 2 August 2018
Further signs of the Owl Man...
I am not comfortable speaking about this... But it must be said.
I have seen him again!!
I recognise him anywhere.
A great dark shadow standing in front of the light of the world.
I knew I should never have taken the shortcut.
It was a foolish decision on my behalf.
And every fool on the earth must pay a price -
my price would be unbridled terror.
For I heard its screech at first - it was the foulest most terrible thing you can imagine.
The vile sound turned the blood cold: drove your mind insane!
And then I heard branches snapping as this vast shape started to move my way.
I knew something foul was on me so I picked up my pace.
I saw red lights flashed in the dark - I heard the screech again, and heavy breathing - and then another terrible sound, like a great blast of air - and the branches of the trees shook and leaves flew up all around me so it became more than difficult to see where I was going.
I ran madly, in any direction.
Anywhere that was free of the sight of its shadowy shape.
Then I found the Church, and shelter for the night.
I did not see that thing again.
But I know it is out there, in the forests.
It is powerful and it is at large...
If you ever see a man standing in a tree DO NOT trust him.
He is your enemy.
Always remember this in your heart.
Play Elfin Quest
My YouTube Channel
I have seen him again!!
I recognise him anywhere.
A great dark shadow standing in front of the light of the world.
I knew I should never have taken the shortcut.
It was a foolish decision on my behalf.
And every fool on the earth must pay a price -
my price would be unbridled terror.
For I heard its screech at first - it was the foulest most terrible thing you can imagine.
The vile sound turned the blood cold: drove your mind insane!
And then I heard branches snapping as this vast shape started to move my way.
I knew something foul was on me so I picked up my pace.
I saw red lights flashed in the dark - I heard the screech again, and heavy breathing - and then another terrible sound, like a great blast of air - and the branches of the trees shook and leaves flew up all around me so it became more than difficult to see where I was going.
I ran madly, in any direction.
Anywhere that was free of the sight of its shadowy shape.
Then I found the Church, and shelter for the night.
I did not see that thing again.
But I know it is out there, in the forests.
It is powerful and it is at large...
If you ever see a man standing in a tree DO NOT trust him.
He is your enemy.
Always remember this in your heart.
Play Elfin Quest
My YouTube Channel
Witches Brew a short text based adventure game!
Friday, 27 July 2018
Never trust a man who looks like an owl...
I fear not the hobgoblins, sneaking in the glades...
I ignore the whisper of the haunted trees.
I know their lies from old, experience has made me wise.
I know the spirits that live in the roots, that drink up the water, dry up the life, sink into the wood, and speak through the branches and leaves in evil tongues.
I know their ways.
I am old.
Experience has made me this way.
I am no stranger to the dark.
I have seen the mare charging through the night.
I have seen the eyes gleaming in the firelight.
Green eyes, watching me.
Music helps keep it at bay, but it knows me and knows my way.
I do not fear the goblins, or the whispering of the trees.
In the deepest part of the forest, you find none of these.
Because like me they know not to go there...
Like me they fear the Owl Man.
The Owl Man...
The Owl Man...
They know where he lives, where he sleeps at day,
They know where he stalks at night and keep well away.
Up in the trees he fills the air with a screech that's hard to bear, he calls up the spirit folk, and speaks in many tongues.
He haunts our dreams at night, and he is talked of in many songs.
Do not trust the owl man!
He will give you sweets, and speak sweetly. He will offer promises, and speak to you in poetry.
Do not trust the owl man...
His eyes are vast like moons,
He watches you in dunes,
In dreams,
In worlds made of a thousand thoughts.
He lives in trees,
He lives in our hopes,
But at nighttime you are sure to be caught.
For the night is his domain,
And you are a fool should you remain,
On the open road at night.
He will sail over you, a vast cloud of doom,
Darker than night,
Fear him!
The owl man!
He is no friend.
Ignore his words and fear his eyes...
Should you ever see a man standing on a branch,
In the middle of the woodland glade,
Fear him, fear him!
Fear the Owl man!
Flee if you can! Don't get caught in a trance!
Get away from the woods...
Seek your homes...
Lock your doors and windows...
Because he knows,
Lord of dreams,
The wild ways of the human mind.
Put light to the shadows.
Turn away not from the dark...
And pray for morning rise,
To wipe away the lies,
Of the Owl Man's power -
For he is the Lord of Dreams.
Play Elfin Quest
My YouTube Channel
I ignore the whisper of the haunted trees.
I know their lies from old, experience has made me wise.
I know the spirits that live in the roots, that drink up the water, dry up the life, sink into the wood, and speak through the branches and leaves in evil tongues.
I know their ways.
I am old.
Experience has made me this way.
I am no stranger to the dark.
I have seen the mare charging through the night.
I have seen the eyes gleaming in the firelight.
Green eyes, watching me.
Music helps keep it at bay, but it knows me and knows my way.
I do not fear the goblins, or the whispering of the trees.
In the deepest part of the forest, you find none of these.
Because like me they know not to go there...
Like me they fear the Owl Man.
The Owl Man...
The Owl Man...
They know where he lives, where he sleeps at day,
They know where he stalks at night and keep well away.
Up in the trees he fills the air with a screech that's hard to bear, he calls up the spirit folk, and speaks in many tongues.
He haunts our dreams at night, and he is talked of in many songs.
Do not trust the owl man!
He will give you sweets, and speak sweetly. He will offer promises, and speak to you in poetry.
Do not trust the owl man...
His eyes are vast like moons,
He watches you in dunes,
In dreams,
In worlds made of a thousand thoughts.
He lives in trees,
He lives in our hopes,
But at nighttime you are sure to be caught.
For the night is his domain,
And you are a fool should you remain,
On the open road at night.
He will sail over you, a vast cloud of doom,
Darker than night,
Fear him!
The owl man!
He is no friend.
Ignore his words and fear his eyes...
Should you ever see a man standing on a branch,
In the middle of the woodland glade,
Fear him, fear him!
Fear the Owl man!
Flee if you can! Don't get caught in a trance!
Get away from the woods...
Seek your homes...
Lock your doors and windows...
Because he knows,
Lord of dreams,
The wild ways of the human mind.
Put light to the shadows.
Turn away not from the dark...
And pray for morning rise,
To wipe away the lies,
Of the Owl Man's power -
For he is the Lord of Dreams.
Play Elfin Quest
My YouTube Channel
Witches Brew a short text based adventure game!
Sunday, 22 July 2018
Elfin Quest! Chose your own adventure game ready to be played!
Prepare yourself for an Elfin adventure across the magical lands of yore.
Elfin Quest awaits!
Play Elfin Quest
Elfin Quest awaits!
Play Elfin Quest
Witches Brew a short text based adventure game!
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