Sunday, 19 July 2026

Of Rabbits and Men

 Of Rabbits and Men

Most men in town seek work.  Most men in town see drink - shelter - food...
  A life.
  But there was one man who sought none of this...
  The only thing he wanted was paper...
  Why?
  He wanted paper because he wanted something to nibble on...
  This man was called Ben.
  He was thirty years old as of the year of our lord 2025, and he slept in the back yard among the cabbages.
  His parents couldn't have him in the house anymore...
  His father hated him.  His mother loathed him.  His brother despised him, and his sister feared him...
  Why was Ben the bane of his family?
  It was because Ben truly believed in his heart that he was a rabbit.
  TRULY.
  NO joke.
  NO acting was going on - Ben really thought he was a bunny.
  And it wasn't funny!
  He lost everything.
  From the day he was cranked into the world by his mother it was obvious that Ben was not a normal boy.  From the moment he could engage his limbs he began adopting bizarre animalistic traits.  He would bounce about the house where he lived, bounce like a beast... or maybe like a rabbit?
  When Ben learned how to speak he would say strange things to his folks...
  He used to tell his people that he could understand the language of rabbits, that he could speak to rabbits and that rabbits made more sense to him as living beings than actual human beings.  'I feel a deep connection with rabbits,' he said one day to his folks.  Ben wasn't being funny.  He meant it with all his heart.  He meant it like the trees mean it when their branches sway in the breeze...
  His folks were shocked - horrified.  They did not know what to say or what to do.
  What could they do?  
  Their son and heir behaved like a rabbit and that was that.
  And they were stuck with him because he was there son.
  Stories of Ben and his outlandish animalistic antics started to spread.  Ben grew to become deeply unpopular with the locals living in town.
  There were protests.  People started ganging together:  "Arrest the rabbit man!" they would say.  "Lock him up with the other beasts!"
  When Ben reached adulthood he was the talk on every lip...

  Why is he unemployed?
  What does he do for a living?
  Why hasn't he grown out of these strange rabbit-like ways?
  He is an adult he needs to take responsibility!
  Would you employ him?  Would you give him a job?
  Employ a rabbit?  No way!  Call the RSPCA that's what I say!

A couple of local lads were in the pub watching the game - Cardiff V Dublin - but all of the talk was about the rabbit man.
  The talk ran like this:

Old Man:  I am hedging my bets on Cardiff.

Even Older Man:  Best team in the world!

Old Man:  I want to enjoy my pint and the game...  I really do...  But I can't stop thinking about that awful man who lives up the road...

Even Older Man:  Do you mean that odd chap who can't stopping acting like an old rabbit?

Old Man:  The very one!  

Even Older Man:  He is an odd eh?

Old Man:  To odd for even the average odd and definitely too odd for my liking.  

Even Older Man:  He is a bizarre rabbit-like man indeed.  

Old Man:  I hear you.  I just don't like it.  This is a strange town and I have seen a lot of strange things but this rabbit-man it's just too much.  Something has to be done about it.  Men can't go round acting like that!  No sir.  A man has got to roll up his sleeves and work.  A man like that is a burden to his parents.  No parent wants to give birth to a burden.  A child is supposed to provide, help the family to grow.  How can a child contribute anything to the family when they sleep among cabbages and eat grass?  No sir.  Something has got to be done.  He needs shaping up that boy.  He needs putting into the army.  Discipline, that is what is lacking in that boys life.  You would not have seen such things as this, people acting like rabbits, no not in my day.  In my day times were hard.  You knew your place.  My grandfather was part of the resistance during the war and he was not afraid to use his fists.  I will admit there was a little portion of my life where I thought I was a squirrel, but my grandfather beat that nonsense out of me clean.  And that is why now as a man I don't mind getting myself all dirty fishing for crabs.

Even Older Man:  Fancy a smoke?

Old Man:  I think so.  I need one to calm my nerves, thanks.  Thinking about that rabbit-like man gets me all worked up.
  
And so ended the conversation between the two old men...

***

Ben was not the only man who believed that he was a beast of the wild.
  There used to be a man called Jim Lo who thought himself a hippo.
  Governor Krogar had a scheme for men like this...  "Arrest them and make them disappear."
  Krogar's strategy was simple:  setup a crime scene and frame the individual he wanted gone.
  And that is what happened to Jim Lo - the hippo, and now Krogar wanted the same thing to happen to Ben.
  Everything was fine as long as Ben kept quiet...  But Ben didn't help himself.
  His rabbit-like ways were steadfastly getting out of control!
  He started jumping on people...
  One unfortunate day, while feasting on hay, Ben went crazy and started jumping on random people.  One of those people he bounced on was none other than Diane Heathrow, an retired school teacher and well liked by all.  She fell unconscious after Ben jumped on her.  It was a terrible scene.  Diane turned out to be completely fine in the end, but the police planted the seed and spread the word.  In all the papers and all the other nooks and crannies where people sit and read the word was that Diane had been murdered by the rabbit man.
  The next day Ben was arrested, taken to a cell and interrogated by Krogar's right hand man, the ruthless Constable Maddox.
  And so the interrogation of Ben began with gusto and glee, with Maddox leading the charge.  This is how the talk flowed:

Maddox:  You know what this is about don't you Ben?  You have been acting too much like a rabbit haven't you?

Ben:  But I...  I am a rabbit...

Maddox:  I would like you to read this report.  It concerns your recent rabbit-like behaviour.

(Ben takes the report and starts nibbling on it!)

Ben:  Mmmm thank you!  I love paper!  It is my favourite food, alongside grass and moss of course!  

Maddox:  Would you like a cup of water?
  
Ben:  No thank you.  I drink water from the dew in grass and moss...

Maddox:  Would you like a smoke?
  
Ben:  Yes please!  (Ben eats the smoke!)  Mmmm tastes like paper!  Thank you!

Maddox:  You have got to stop acting like this - Ben.  You have got quite the reputation in town, and not of the good kind either.  The thing is, Ben, I actually do like you.  NO.  What I meant to say is I respect you.  You are a man who knows what he wants to be in life.  You want to be a rabbit, and you are not afraid to be a rabbit either.  You are not ashamed or embarrassed to make a fool of yourself in public.  There are some people out there that might even call you courageous.  These days it is hard to be what you want to be.  There is so much against you.  People living in town they want everything to be nice and smooth.  They don't like anything that affects business.  In Fenwick people like people who roll up their sleeves and work.  That is how it is and has always has been in this town.  This town stands on the shoulders of farmers, fishermen and warriors.  There are still veterans of the Second World War living out there in the various corners of town and they pass down their knowledge of the hard times - they keep the old ways alive.  They don't like to see people lounging about and acting like fools.  It's not the Fenwick way.  So when people see you frolicking around like a fool people take offence to it.  Real bad offence in fact.  I will be honest with you Ben, there are people in this town who want you gone.  In the old days we would have shipped you to the UK, but the new governor has a new way of dealing with things.  He wants me to make you disappear - and when I say disappear I mean I make a phone call to the RSPCA and they put you down as one very large and sick rabbit - which they will do.  They did it before to a man who proclaimed to be a hippo.  They will snuff out a sick rabbit in a heartbeat.  I don't want that to happen to you, Ben.  Help me help you.  Confess to the murder of Diane Heathrow and you will spend seven years in a prison cell and I will make sure you are okay.  I will look after you.  I will make sure none of the lads gang up on you.  You will be safe.  All that you have to do is make a little confession - sign this paper...  NO!  Don't eat it!  Sign it.  That's right... sign just here on the line.  It is for the best, Ben.  Once you are in a prison cell no one will be able to trouble you ever again.  And guess what the best thing is?  You can carry on pretending you are a rabbit and no one will know or say anything about it.  You will be free.

Ben:  Pretend to be a rabbit?  But I am a rabbit!  A real rabbit!

Maddox:  Stop it Ben!  I am trying to help you here!

Ben:  The rabbits will save me!  You will never take me...  There are rabbits out there...  Rabbits in spaceships!  Rabbits from beyond the deepest reaches of space!

Just then the power turned off!  When the power came back on Ben was gone.  His chair where he was sitting was now completely empty - and the door leading back outside was now fully open.  Panicking and very much afraid Maddox rushed out through the door and out into the courtyard to just catch in time a glimpse of a saucer-shaped flying object disappearing into the sky...
  There was an officer standing nearby.  Maddox turned and said to him:
  'Don't say anything about this to anybody, do you hear me?'
  'Don't you worry mate!  I ain't saying anything!' he replied with a weak and quivering voice.  'But I tell you what I am going to do - I am going to stop drinking washing conditioner that is for certain!'

THE END

(Remember!  All spelling errors and grammatical mistakes are intentional - the author 😆)


For more adventures set in the town of Fenwick check out:
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A King For A Day

 Here it is!  A King For A Day!  Hooray!
  Now if you decide you are brave enough to decide to play this little historical game then I congratulate you - go into this little project of mine with LOW expectations, or preferably NO expectations!  My game is NOT going to change the gaming industry - it is NOTHING like Total War or Crusader kings, sorry.  
  I drew a lot of inspiration from other games before I started building A King For A Day.
  I love the medieval strategy and adventure games of yore.  Here is a little list of my favourites:

Lords of the Realm
Lords of the Realm 2
Conqueror A.D. 1086
Kingmaker
Quest for the Longbow
Castles
Conquests of Camelot:  The Search for the Grail
Defender of the Crown

I remember waiting years for Lords of the realm 3 to finally release...
  O yes!  I remember that one...
  There is a reason IT did not make it on the list.
  Lords of the Realm fans reading this will know what I mean...

  WHAT WERE THEY THINKING!!??

Anyway, I think I might have told this little story before in another post - but I used to play this game on my old DOS based PC called - Grail Quest.  It is a text based adventure game where you play as Percival charged by King Arthur with a quest to seek the Holy Grail.  Grail Quest is a very old school style adventure game.  You move around different scenes of medieval Britain, looking for items, speaking to people, solving puzzles.  
  I used to love all the little scenes of Britain as you moved around, most of them were rendered photographs of real locations, like Stonehenge, and the Tower of London.
  It got my imagination fired up I tell you!
  I used to think to myself:  "Wouldn't it be great if I was the King in this game, marching around Britain collecting resources and fighting battles?  O yes that would be great!  And I could have my own castle and manage things...  Marvellous stuff!  It is good to be the king!"
  And so all these years later I went ahead and built that game and here it is:

A King For A Day V1.0 is available and playable here by clicking the image below:


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Thursday, 16 July 2026

Throwing Stones

 There are three epic characters in this story with amazing names:

Phil
Bob
Steve

Let me introduce you to...

THROWING STONES

Let us begin...

Phil and Bob were having a nice chat in the park:
  'Have you ever hated somebody SO much you just wanted to kill them? said Phil.
  Bob thought his friend was joking and so he decided just to go along with the flow of the conversation.
  'O yes!  Of course!  Plenty of times!'  
  'What would you say if I told you that I have found a way to kill someone without anybody ever knowing about it?'
  'I would say that was still illegal.  Now how about we change the conversation?
  'I am being serious here Bob.'
  'That is what is worrying me,' Bob replied.
  'Will you not at least hear me out?' Phil pushed on.
  'Well...  If I must,' Bob replied hesitantly.
  It was time for Bob to hear what Phil had to say.
  And so Phil started:
  'I know of a way to kill someone and get away with it!  I was standing by the train crossing, you know the place?  It's where that annoying barrier comes down whenever there is a train on the way and you have to stand for ten minutes usually, sometimes fifteen sometimes twenty even!  Well one day I was standing by the barrier, twiddling my thumbs, when in my boredom I picked up a stray stone and chucked it at a passing train.  I managed to hit the train in a certain way that the stone skimmed off of the side of the train and bounced back really fast at an angle and knocked down the person standing across the road from me.  The stone knocked that person right in the head and later that day that person died.  The police looked into the scene but there was nothing that they could do against me.  I mean really?  What could they do?  I was just tossing stones about and that ain't a crime.  So that person died and I got away with it.  Fine.  I felt bad of course.  But it was an accident and the police knew it.  When I got home I drank some coffee, sipped a little whiskey, and then I got to thinking about that train and that stone I threw.  And I thought to myself, could I do it again?  Could I fire that stone in such a way I could kill another man and survive the wrath of the law?  But I did not want to kill at random.  That other chap I knocked down with the stone?  I didn't know him.  I didn't want him to die.  But there was someone who I did want dead.  A cocky young runt who owed me money.  He was called Ted.'
  'Ted?  No!  Not Ted Hill?'
  'The same,' Phil responded with a chill in his voice.  'It is because of me that Ted is dead!'
  'My gosh!  You killed him in the same way as that other chap?'
  'That's right.  I just tossed a stone...  I invited Ted for a walk.  I walked with him from the shop.  I listened to him speak.  He always liked to talk rubbish, talk big like he is the man - you know what I mean?  O how I hated him he was a liar and a scoundrel.  I was determined to make him pay.  So we stopped at the train stop and we waited fifteen minutes and when the train finally came along I knew it was time to do what I had to do.  I picked up a stone and threw it at a certain angle, in a certain way that the stone skimmed off of the side of the train and bounced back and knocked Ted in the head.  He dropped down like a log and died like a dog!  And that was the end of Ted.  And like before there was nothing the police could do.  It was an accident!  How can the law arrest a man for tossing a stone?'
  Bob was shaking with horror.  'I know Ted was an irritant, but you killed him?  You... murdered that man!  This is terrible Phil!  Why are you telling me this?'
  'Because I am your friend,' Phil replied.  
  'I don't think so!  Not anymore.  How could you do something so terrible, Phil?  Damn!  I thought I knew you!  You were supposed to be my mate!  We used to go fishing together.  And yet here you are confessing to murder like butter wouldn't melt!  You disgust me Phil!  I never want to speak to you ever again!'
  Bob walked away and Phil was left alone with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.  
  Phil smoked a lot lately.
  His fingers shook every time he lit a smoke...

Guilty conscience mehap?

'Nay not me!' said Phil to himself.  'I might pop by the Short Tailed Fox and fetch me a drink to celebrate the end of Ted who is dead!'
  Phil stalked into the pub like a man on a mission.
  He ordered himself a pint of the local Fenwick bitter.
  As he was enjoying his pint a strange stranger joined him at the table.
  'They call me Steve,' said the stranger.
  'Like I wanted to know,' Phil replied unpleasantly.  
  Phil wanted to be left alone and to get drunk.  He did not have time for small talk that day.
  He was still thinking about Ted and about how neatly he skimmed that stone on the side of the train.  

  Two stones.
  Two dead men.
  And one man called Phil who claimed them all.
  
I could kill again.  Who would stop me?  But who should I kill?

Phil started to lose his temper.  'Look!  There are plenty of tables everywhere.  Please sit somewhere else!  I am trying to enjoy my drink!'
  'Ted used to enjoy a drink,' said Steve.  'Shame he isn't here, hey?'
  'I don't want to talk about it.  Leave me be.'
  'I hear Ted owed you money?'
  'What business is it of yours?'
  'Here is the money he owed you,' and Steve placed the paper on the table.  'There.  Now all debts are amended and done.  The shadow between and Ted has been expunged and now the threads that had been torn between you two have been resown.  Marvellous what a bit of paper can solve, eh?'
  Phil scraped the money into his pocket and ordered another drink.  
  With a fresh drink in hand Phil moved to another table but Steve, undeterred, moved over to join him.
  'What is your problem?' said Phil.
  'I just like talking to you,' said Steve.
  'Well I am not in a talking mood,' Phil replied coldly.
  'I want to talk about you and Ted.  Were you two friends?'
  'Yes.  Sort of.  I knew him from work.'
  'Did you two get along well?'
  'I guess so.  As well as well can do, I guess.'
  'Did you like him?'
  'No.  I hated him.  Does that answer your question?  Good!  Now go away.  I have got work in the morning and those crabs don't pick themselves.'
  'You work in the crab factory?'
  'Like pretty much everyone else in this town.  Yep.  I work for the Kings.  What of it?'
  'You like your job?'
  'It's a job.  That is all it is.'
  'Ted worked with you.  He loved the crab factory.  He was unemployed for five years and was so happy when he got that job.  Time to make some money.  He had been through hard times our Ted.  Nasty divorce.  Lost his home.  Credit cards...  owed a lot of money to a lot of different folk.  Nasty business...  Drinking problem to boot.  He wasn't allowed to see his children either.  It was hard times for our Ted.  But hey, now his dead right?  Now the nightmare of life is over for Ted.'
  'I really do not want to talk about this!  I need you to realise that this conversation is making me feel very uncomfortable,' Phil replied harshly and he almost spilt his drink.  'I am a busy man with a lot to do and I need to get to bed...'
  'Of course.  I understand.  Ted used to be very busy too, back when he was alive.  Your name is Phil, right?  Phil.  Indulge an old man and walk me home will you?'
  Fine.
  Phil agreed to walk Steve home.
  So off they went, out of the pub and down the road.
  They walked in silence.
  Eventually they met the train crossing.  The barrier was down, of course...  another train was on its way.
  It was time to stand and wait.  Wait for he train.  Phil checked his watch.  
  One minute.
  Two.
  Five minutes...
  Damn it!  "Lift barrier lift!  Why won't you lift?"
  The barrier would not lift.
  Another train went by.
  Ten minutes.
  Twelve.
  'Ted was my boy,' said Steve suddenly.  'He was my son and heir and I loved him dearly.'
  What?
  There was another train on its way.
  Phil lost his nerve with Steve and grabbed a stray stone.  But just as he threw it Steve nudged Phil's arm so that this time the stone hit the train at the wrong angle - this time gravity sent the stone bouncing right back at Phil's head - killing him dead.
  Steve looked at the stricken body and shrugged his shoulders.
  'O well,' he said.  'It was just an accident!'
  The barrier finally lifted and Steve walked away.
  
THE END

(Remember!  All spelling errors and grammatical mistakes are intentional - the author 😆)


For more adventures set in the town of Fenwick Check out:
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Monday, 13 July 2026

WORLD CUP 2026: Channel Island Match

A small island in the English Channel called Fenwick is about to participate in the World Cup...


There was a conversation going on between two local lads at the local pub, The Short Tailed Fox, and it ran thus:

Dave:  Damn!  I can't believe Wales didn't qualify for the World Cup!  Something isn't right!  

Bob:  I agree.  It is a disgrace!

Dave:  It's a conspiracy!  I have seen Wales play many times, they are the best for sure!  I will tell you something and this is true - you put a couple of those Cardiff boys on the field and they would take the world by storm!  

Bob:  Of course!

Dave:  Cardiff is one of the best teams out there.  I just don't get it!  I just don't understand why they never get a chance at the beautiful game.

Bob:  The world is a very unfair place I am sad to say.

Dave:  I have lived here in Fenwick for about twenty years, but I was born and grew up in Wales.  So there is Welsh blood in my veins, you see, that is why I am so passionate about the country.  I tell you Bob one of these days my boys from Cardiff will have a chance to kick for their country and win the game in the face of all the world.  Everyone will know that Cardiff is the one.

Bob:  I can't wait.

Dave:  Ah!  A man can dream hey?  

Bob:  When one must one can.

Dave:  So who is Fenwick playing against tonight then?

Bob:  Uruguay 

Dave:  We are going to win aren't we?

Bob:  Of that I have NO doubt my friend!

Dave:  I have total faith in our new team manager, Ben Heath.  He is a good man.  He knows what he is doing.  He has a strategy to win the game.  Bless Ben Heath!  He is going to win the World Cup for us I know it.  This is our day, Bob.  The time has come for our country!  Fenwick will win the big game!

...And Bob echoes - "Fenwick will win!"

***

It's the night of the big game: Fenwick V Uruguay.
  Ben Heath's strategy to win is to play devils advocate...
  Ben gives his team some pep talk:

Ben Heath:  Alright lads!  Listen up!  This is what we are going to do!  We are going to play bad.  We are going to make the enemy think they are winning.  We will give them a couple of scores, and then in the last minute we take it ALL BACK.  They will think they are on top, but they won't know what's hit them in the final round!  Fenwick is going to win this.  Alright lads, let's do this!  REMEMBER!  Let 'em think they are winning, and in the end we will crush them.  Let's go!

***

The Match is OVER in under fifteen minutes.

The score:

Uruguay: 5

Fenwick: 0

During the game a local Fenwick lad hit the ball with his head so hard he got brain damage!
  It turned out to not be all that bad in the end because when he woke up he discovered that he had a new talent for music, specifically with the piano.  He would go onto write the most beautiful songs to touch the ears of humanity!  Wonderful stuff!  Such music as you cannot imagine - marvellous and flowing...
  In the years that followed this lad would eventually become known locally as the Beethoven of Fenwick.

THE END

(Remember!  All spelling errors and grammatical mistakes are intentional - the author 😆)


For more adventures set in the town of Fenwick Check out:
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Sunday, 12 July 2026

The Legend of Rudwin returns!

First publish in 2011 - the Legend of Rudwin is back with a new front cover!  Marvellous stuff.  

It's still the same story though!  

And this is how it goes...

At the start of summer when all is fair and fine a young fellow named Rudwin is out and about, wandering this way and that - picking mushrooms and fishing and have a generally good time of it.  When the weather is this good one must drink it in!
  And that is when Rudwin meets a good old friend...
  It's Hobbleweed!
  'I hear of strangers abroad, Squire,' said Hobbleweed.  'Watch the roads and keep an eye on the fields.  Better keep up and keep quiet!  Strange times are these...'
  'The stranger the better!' Rudwin replied happily.  'This is how I like things - brooding and mysterious...  and who is that wandering up my lane and now knocking on my door?  Ah!  Strangers and strange things afoot, hey Hobbleweed?  Marvellous!  Better answer the door - by the sound of it a great adventure awaits!'






Enjoy the Legend!

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A HORSE IN SPACE - Available NOW!

There is a spaceship that is powered by h2o. There is a horse that can talk. There is an eccentric Doctor and a Space Cowboy. What could go wrong? What could go right! This book - A Horse In Space - is literally what it says it is. Ever wondered what might happen to a horse in space? Well the answers are all here - just turn the pages... 




A horse in space!  Come join the stars in space!

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Saturday, 11 July 2026

In the works: The Trials of Rudwin!

Remember the Legend of Rudwin? 
  Well the adventures do not end there...
  O no!
  Rudwin will return - let me introduce you to the Trials of Rudwin.




Currently in the editing process - but once it is complete the epic adventures of Rudwin will continue - strange worlds and even stranger characters all for you to enjoy!
  So step up and join Rudwin on his most epic Trial yet.
  (But you will have to wait for it to be published first!  😊)

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Thursday, 9 July 2026

A Cat IS Watching ME...

A CAT IS WATCHING

 A cat is watching a cat is watching!
  A cat is watching I know of that.  A cat is watching I am sure of that!


I walk the streets as innocent as a sparrow haunts a hedgerow.
  But I am being watched.
  Of that I know...
  It is a dark night and there are eyes on me...
  Of that I know...
  Of that I know!
  In the darkness the lights I see shining green - 
  It is IT watching me.
  I have no doubt there is a cat watching me!

A cat is watching I know of that.  A cat is watching I am sure of that!

There is a turn in the road I refuse to take.  I must admit every step I make makes me shake...

A cat is watching I know of that.  A cat is watching I am sure of that!
There is a cat watching I am sure of that!

I saw in the distance a shadowy figure go, with green eyes it had I saw them glow...A cat I am sure of that.  I am being watched by a cat.  A cat indeed, a cat!  I am sure of that.
  I must walk true and with speed.  There are green eyes watching me indeed...
  I fear the eyes!  I fear the eyes!  I see them in the darkness!
  Those green eyes I see them in the darkness...
  I fear those eyes - I move and I move, but those eyes stay always where they are, watching.  I know they are watching.  A cat is watching, I know that.
  My dreams are like my steps, I see the eyes when I rest - and I awake to the cry of something fierce in the streets.  It never sleeps, the cat that is watching, ever watching a cat is watching I know of that.
  On me it is finally dawning...
  I might never see the morning...
  A cat is in my way - in it's shadow my sins are displayed - ITS eyes are ever reading - always searching - ever seeking - seeking the truth deep inside the depths of me.
  O indeed it seeks me - a cat is watching me!  Of that I know that...
  In the streets I am fleeing, desperately retreating, from my shadow and something more than that.
  There is something that is creeping - and while I am dreaming it arrives seeping into my dreams.  And there in the darkness I see it crawling, ever pawing at my darkest fears - O my gosh there it leers!  It's shadow is always growing, ever pushing, ever nudging - at my presence it is always pulling.  With my conscience shattering it always seeks me as it leads me through the door.  And once in the street there is no retreat, from the shadow that hangs around my feet, is there anyone out there who will remember me and mourn?
  I fear the cat.
  I fear THE CAT!
  O please, dread!  Please let me flee the cat!
  
*          *
*****
********
*******
****
*******
*******
**********
**********
********
*****
***
*
YES.
I am being watched by a cat - of that I know that...


(Remember!  All spelling errors and grammatical mistakes are intentional - the author 😆)
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Monday, 6 July 2026

SHAVEN

"I shall tell you of Richard Lock, a man who walked the streets with golden locks...  Hair he had to the shoulder it fell, till the day came when it all fell...
  ...ALL OF IT...Fell down and down ALL down to the ground!"

This is the tale of Richard Lock and the severing of his golden locks...

***

Richard, or Rich for short, was walking down the street minding his own business.  
  It was a fine day for a walk!
  Beautiful weather!
  "I am going to have a nice day today," Rich thought to himself.  "It is going to be the most perfect day!"
  That was when Rich was flanked by three good-sized lads.  They grabbed him.  They carried him away and threw him blindfolded into the back of a truck and then they all drove off just like that.
  Rich was beyond terrified.  He almost passed out!
  Eventually the truck stopped and Rich was pulled out - he tried to fight, kick and lash out with his limbs but it did him no good.  He was completely in the power of his captors.  
  The three brutes took Rich down some steps and dragged him into a room.  Finally they removed his blindfold.
  He was being made to kneel inside a very dank and gloomy office.  Dead cigarettes were being built up into hills on the desk, and there was smoke flying out of the windows.  On the other side of the dirty desk sat a huge man.  
  Rich knew this man, but wished that he didn't...
  The vast trunk sitting in that chair belonged to non other than Hombrecito Grande Y Tonto - leader of the feared Brazilian cartel in town!  
  Rich was made to kneel in front of the mighty crime-lord.  Guns were being closed in on his head.  
  What was this all about?
  What was going on?
  Finally Hombrecito spoke:
  'You owe me big dollar boy!' he said.
  'I can't pay you!  I told you!  Not yet!  I need time!' Rich replied.  Rich was desperately trying not to cry like a child.  He was so afraid.  He was having three guns being aimed at him at the same time - that was a tough thing to face for any man, even a trained stunt model used to working with fully armed weapons in Hollywood movies.
  'I want big dollar now.  Or there will be big pay in another way,' Hombrecito bellowed on mercilessly.  
  He was a mean piece of work was our Hombrecito when the mood took his fancy.  Not a man to be trifled with was our Hombrecito and everyone who knew him knew it as well - that was about six people in all including his grandmother, his mate Jimmy, and O yes Rich of course.
  'I have got a job lined up in the crab factory,' Rich went on in his sad wobbly tearful voice.  'Once I have got the job I can start paying back what I owe you...'
  'That is not good enough boy,' said Hombrecito sternly.  'I want big dollar now.  I wanted big dollar yesterday.  It is no longer yesterday.  It is now.  And you do not have big dollar now.  So you must pay another way!'
  'What are you going to do to me?' said Rich quivering.  'Are you going to put cement on my feet and throw me into the docks?'
  'I am going hit you where it hurts,' Hombrecito replied menacingly.  'It is not my way to kill.  Too easy.  I will not kill you.  I will send out a message instead!  Every man out there who owes me big dollar they pay, if not they suffer another way.  Now you suffer...'
  That was Hombrecito brought out the electric shaver!
  Rich saw the shaver and gulped.
  'What is this?  Please!  Tell me what you are going to do I beg you!' said Rich.
  'You have nice hair!,' said Hombrecito.  'I shave it all off!  You will look like an bold badger when I am done shearing you!'
  Rich begged the mighty Brazilian crime lord for mercy.
  Rich received none.
  And so Hombrecito got to work.  He switched the shaver into action and with stroke after hideous and harsh stroke Rich's refined golden locks fell freely to the ground!
  'There you go badger!' said Hombrecito bellowing with laughter.  'I turn you into badger-man!'
  Out of pure cruelty Hombrecito gave Rich a mirror so he could see what had become of him.  Rich was fully bold!  Rich burst into tears.  He couldn't believe it!  The cartel had stolen not only his soul, they had stolen his beloved fleece of golden flowing hair!
  After that Rich was knocked out thrown back into the truck and then later dumped into a ditch.
  It was over for Rich.

***

Three days later a man named Bill received a letter.  The words on it flowed thus:

William,

My dearest friend!  A great dishonour has been done to your fellow friend.  You know me as I know you and there is nothing I have ever had more pride in than the golden locks that grow from my head - or should I say grew - the past tense is certainly permissible in concurrence to my present predicament.  Forgive my heavy tone but the hand that has written this letter has been driven by a sad force lurking in a sad mind living in a heavy soul...
  Let me explain:
  I have been defeated.
  My enemies have struck me with a heavy blow.
  They took from me my love.
  It would have been better if they had killed me...
  I beg thee, dearest William my oldest and most cherished accomplice I beg you again pray visit me in my  home.  For the shame you will soon learn I cannot leave the confines of my domicile.  My home has become my prison.  I no longer feel happy here.  I feel trapped as dog tied to a kennel.  I feel like a dog...  Darkness is before my eyes and in my limbs.  The darkness is palpable, I can feel it touching me gnawing at me.  I hate it as much as it hates me.  My life has become a horror.  O sublime gloom take me in your wings and fly me away into the shadows beyond the dreams of living minds.  I beg thee, hide me from the waking eyes that watch in the streets.
  Please seek me out!

Your good friend,

Richard Lock.

The day after Bill read the poignant letter Bill paid a visit to his friends house.  The following conversation proceeded:

Bill:  My gosh!  It's a giant badger!  I better make a call to the RSPCA.  It is the only way.  We cannot allow such a large and dangerous looking beast to be loose in a public area!  It might...  it might hurt somebody!  O No!  I might be in danger of the beast myself!  No!  Badger!  Good Badger!  Stay back badger!  Don't hurt me badger!  Do anything you want to me badger just...  just don't touch my face!

Rich:  It is not badger that stands before you.  It is your dear friend who sent a letter to you four days ago...
  
Bill:  Rich?  Is that you?  No!  It can't be!  But now I look again I can see you, sort of - at least I think I can.  Stand closer...  

Rich:  I am too ashamed to step into the light...

Bill:  I can't see you from back there.  Unless you step into the light I won't know that it is really you, or some imposter!  Listen!  You could be a dangerous stranger!  I have my phone with me and I will call the police!

Rich:  NO!  Don't do that.  Very well.  For you, dear friend, I will step into the light.

Bill:  Good gosh!  The light is shinning so bright off of the top of your head I am struggling to look - but I must for old times sake, I must look!  Good lord it really is you Rich!  What happened?  Why did you shave your hair off?  Did some kind of madness take you?  

Rich:  It was my enemies that took me.  They took me and they shaved me.  They shaved and shamed me and left me as this - a defeated man with only memories to keep him alive.

Bill:  So you were shaved?  Gosh!  That is brutal.  I am sorry they did this to you Rich.  

Rich:  My hair was my pride and my joy.  It was all that I lived for.

Bill:  I know.  But I warned you Rich plenty of times you were doing crazy things!  You were getting involved with the wrong sort of people in town.  You were messing with the gangs.  I told you time and time again to stay dry.  Don't let the street tuck you over.  But I am looking at you now Rich and it looks like the streets didn't just tuck  you over but they tucked you up as well.  Tucked you up good and proper.  I don't feel sorry for you Rich.  When you play with the gangs you play a game and like any game that is a game you can win and lose.  And when you lose in any game you lose good and proper.  The gangs don't take mercy on losers.  I know my words are brutal, and not what you want to be hearing right now but I am your friend and a true friend speaks the truth.  If you had kept your head down you would be working in the crab factory now with golden locks flowing above your shoulders - proud for all to see.  But here you are standing there now as bold as a badgers underside.  You have brought shame down on your family.

Rich:  I know!  Please don't remind me of all that I have lost...

Bill:  You inherited your golden locks from both sides of your family.  Your fathers hair flowed like waves on the high sea, and your mothers hair in her prime glimmered like the sun - like golden daffodils in a field - swaying in the breeze, o please the memory of her hair would please many an eye to hold.  And I am old and I can remember your grandfather, going to war with golden locks at his back.  All of that was blessed to you, a gift!  But yet you decided to throw your inheritance to the grim tides of time.  I don't feel sorry for you Rich.  You had it all.  You and you alone let your enemies cut you down, golden locks and all.

Rich:  Help me old friend!  In a month I will have my locks back.  I will stay in hiding until then.  But I cannot hide here in this house - I have no food!  But across the road there is my uncles pad - stocked up with fodder.  Please!  Help me to cross the road unseen.  Then I will stay there and wait until my locks are back.

Bill:  I think I know a way.  My cousin has had her firstborn in only the last few weeks.  I think I can find a bonnet to put on your head.  I think I can find a pram as well.  We will pretend you are a  baby!  I used to work on stage and I can find a wig and a dress!  I will pretend to be your mother.  I will push you across the road in the pram.  And when we reach safety you can go into hiding!

Rich:  I am 5.9!  

Bill:  Yes.  And this is the year 2026.  Nobody cares what anybody looks like anymore.  And if anyone asks I will tell them that you are well fed baby!

Rich:  Fine.  I will go along with the plan.  Yes.  Anything to protect my dignity.

So the plan was put into motion.  Rich placed the bonnet on his head and got into the pram.  Meanwhile Bill, pretending to be a doting mother called Ann in his dress and flowing wig, started pushing the pram along.
  It was time to cross the street...

Bill:  My gosh!  A woman approaches!

Woman:  Is this your baby?  Goodness don't they grow large these days?

Bill (Ann from now on):  My baby is merely well fed!

Woman:  I can see that!  What's her name?

Ann:  She is a boy, actually, and his name is Fred.

Woman:  O I do apologise!  These babies they all look the same don't they especially when they are bold like that!  From one mother to another it must have been tough?  You know what I mean?

Ann:  What?  

Woman:  Well.  My boy was 4.5kg and good gosh was it ever difficult cranking that big fat sod out.  Worst job ever.  Never again so long as I live I said to my husband afterwords.  All I am saying is, with respect, what's your name again - Ann?  O Ann!  How old is he?  Six weeks?  Good Lord!  With respect, from one woman to another, it must have been difficult giving birth to such a huge for a baby!

Ann:  My baby is big because my baby is healthy!  Look at me for example:  I have never smoked.  I don't drink.  I have always eaten well.  I am vegan.  My baby is a reflection of the decent person I am today.

Women:  Of course!  You have done well as a mother.  Better than me!  Good gosh!  It took twenty years to get my boy to be that size!  Your baby must be, what , 5.9?  Imagine what he will be like when he is fifteen!  

Ann:  Are you mocking my baby?

Women:  No!  Of course not!  Your baby looks like a lovely lad!

Ann:  Don't you speak against my baby!  I raised this baby from birth!  I cranked this baby out into the world to give it life!

Woman:  I meant no offence!

Ann:  Well I do take offence.  Here I am taking my child out for a walk, getting some fresh air in his lungs, and then you come strutting forward giving me your lip interfering in my business and in my life!  How dare you!  Do you know how difficult it was for me a woman of 5.3 giving birth to a baby of 5.9?  It almost killed me, do you hear?  Yes!  That's right, I almost died giving birth to this beast.  And yet you have the nerve to mock me?  Look at you, so arrogant!  So disrespectful!  I thought that you, a fellow mother, would have some idea of the difficulties I have been through.  And yet you stand there like butter wouldn't melt lashing me with the harsh edge of your tongue as though I were a common cur in the street.  Well I am not a common cur.  I am a working class woman and I have a baby of six foot and six weeks to tend to!  So get out of my way and keep your distance from me and my child in the future!

Woman:  Wait a minute!  Stop!  I recognise this baby.  Thats you isn't it Richard Lock?  Why are you wearing that bonnet there?  I am taking it off at once!  O my gosh!  What happened to your hair!  You look like a badger!  I am calling the RSPCA right now to have you taken away you dirty stinking creature of the wild!  

Rich:  Please don't call the RSPCA!  I beg you!  Anything but that!

Woman:  You deserve to be locked up with all of the other badgers!

Rich turns to his friend Bill (Ann) and begs him for help...

Rich: My friend!  Please.  It's over.  As soon as that woman puts down her phone I am cooked!  I will be locked up with the other wild animals.  I can't do it.  I can't face such a fate.  Once the other badgers figure out that I am not one of their kind they will eat me!  I read about an old drunk who fell down a badger hole one day and the badgers ate him whole!  I can't die like that.  Please, Bill, take me to the docks.  

Ann:  Why the docks?  There's nothing waiting for you there except crabs (and maybe the old seal or three.  And seals can be just as vicious as badgers in a fix.  And so can crabs!).

Rich:  Please just do as I say.  I will stay in the pram, a defeated man.  Wheel me over to the docks and tip me in!

Bill being the very good and decent friend that he was did just that.  He wheeled his old friend Rich over to the docks and tipped the poor defeated man into the waters.  And so came to an end the life of Richard Lock!  The man who had golden locks and then nothing at all!  Richard Lock never had a grave because when people saw his body floating in the docks they thought he was just a great big dead stinky old badger so they left him there to be eaten by the seals and by the crabs.

THE END

(Remember!  All spelling errors and grammatical mistakes are intentional - the author 😆)


For more adventures set in the town of Fenwick Check out:
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Tuesday, 30 June 2026

Haunted By Owls

 "There is no worse fate for a man than to be eaten by another man who looks like a decent-sized owl..."

Old Hishnash saying


Some say the moon is an eye.  And if it is truly an eye it bled well that night when I saw it in 26, as I was walking below it I saw it - the eye, the blood red eye, the eye in the sky.
  The bloody eye -
  A vast eye above!
  The moon is the vast eye - the eye of a dragon with a belly full of fire and death - a belly of doom.  Foul folks burn there.  It is a place of gloom.
  The sky was dark as night skies always are - till the eye opened behind the fickle flying clouds.  And there it was thick and red, and from it bled - mountains and rivers of gore.  Blood mountains.  Blood hills.  Blood rivers trickling into blood streams and into blood seas - the blood was all I could see - see seeping into the clouds from the skies - till all I could see was blood.
  O please save me!
  All I could see was blood...
  Blood red skies, o how I despise, those dreadful meaningless blood red skies.
  A shape flies over - turning the red to black for a second and only that.  Was it a cloud or something more - something more to stand against the gore?
  O look at all that gore!
  There is a letter waiting for me on my desk:

  "Old friend.  I beg thee to read this:  I spend most of my days these days alone, but it is for the best.  People should not be near me.  I have become a drinker.  I do not know to which degree I qualify, a drinker or a drunk, or a drinking drinker, but I drink a dreadful lot of drink when i wrote this.  it has become my new way.  and in my drunkenness i have seen many a thing, a thing that most people will not want to bring in to their average living lives.  i have seen shadows but ah!  that is just the start.  a hooded figure and hooded figures, and that is just a lark when i compare them to the changing faces, the ugly faces grinning in my window and gazing at my heart.  i see them whenever i put the drink down, or whenever i am generally down, i see the faces, the grinning faces, the fazing eyes, the dish shaped eyes - i hear the twee twoo, and i see the shadows too, and the blood lit eye of the moon becomes as dark as doom.  the mountains of gloom, ruddy as doom-filled dreams become as shadows of a nightmare.  but worst things i have seen, beyond the rim of every dream - a darkness lives and lurks beyond the axis, where no dream has a single access, the horrors of a doom filled mind.  and there i have seen it, and there again i have seen them - twisting shapes - foul and foul!  terrible things that make me tremble, and with what sanity i have left i try to assemble - something meaningful in my doom damned brain, let me say with some semblance, to something i have born witness:  I saw these signs and twisted symbols:  ##@  += ^ ****
                                                                                            ***   ****
                                                                                             *** * * *** ****
                                                                                              ***
                                                                                               **      +G+=+E+EE+"q
                                                                                                  *
The owls are real and they are doomed and damned.  Against them no force can withstand - they are darker than all time that has ever spanned.  I will not be here when they expand.
  Best wishes dear friend and be away, and do not let them lead thee astray, them owls that lurk in the night twee twoo, do not let them do to you, what they have done to the spine of time, on thy soul they must never dine!"

I put the letter down.
  My eyes are so sore.  
  My mind is so tired.
  O I am so tired...
  My body aches.
  Everything is a blur.
  I look up and open my eyes - and to my surprise I see it, for a second or less - a creamy shape twisted and strange - quite deranged - and it had a head that resembled an owl.
  Am I to be haunted by an owl?
  Maybe it is to be my fate?
  O please close the gate on my fate - o dear my fate!  Please fate!  Close the gate!
  The owl will be my fate...

(Remember!  All spelling errors and grammatical mistakes are intentional - the author 😆)


For more adventures set in the town of Fenwick Check out:
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