This is a normal story about a normal seal and how he ended up being detained at his Majesty's pleasure...
There was once a seal who lived down by the coast - a great big cheery lump of blubber named affectionately by the locals Bill - because Bill rhymes with seal... see?
Bill was a hopeless feckless bungling creature, forever rolling around, blocking roads and breaking fences. A true nightmare! But everyone loved him because he was extremely entertaining to have around. He would make strange barking sounds and was very clever at playing little pieces of music with a whistle that he had recovered one day while far out at sea.
Bill was having a good time of it, enjoying a rather nice life - jumping about and whistling tunes. Things could have gone on like that forever, until the day came he met the wandering Frenchman Jean de Orléans.
Now if you thought Bill was an odd character with his whistle and bungling blubbery ways well let me tell you the seal had nothing and I mean NOTHING on Jean.
Jean was an absolute madman - a rollicking and rambling lunatic. A deeply unpopular character. Jean was spend all day making a pest of himself, harassing random people and getting into brawls with the local lads.
Jean was also a drunk to boot... People would often find him wobbling about with a half empty bottle of wine in his hand! His drunkenness only enhanced his unpopularity further.
There is this one story that tells of Jean wandering around the beach one day when he found a couple sunbathing on the sand. Jean walked right over and started emptying his dirty soggy boots all mover them explaining - 'Don't worry! Tis only water! And there is plenty of that around as you can plainly see!'
The couple were furious, and immediately made a complaint to the police.
The curious incident of the soggy boot got our boy Jean a few days locked up at his Majesty's pleasure, and made him a great enemy of Constable Maddox's, the fierce head of the police department, who always had his eye on the drunken Frenchman:
'I know you Jean!' said Maddox one day while out on patrol - Jean had been up to his old tricks chasing people around with soggy fish he had plucked out of the sea! 'You are a menace to society!' the constable went on. 'If I could find a way of getting you permanently locked up... O if only!'
Jean responded by taking off his boot and throwing a wet sock at the Constable!
The Constable gave chase but Jean just giggled and ran away!
Old rascal - he had a hiding place, you see! Down by the sea there was a cave and whenever Jean was in that cave the police could never find him (because they never ever thought to look there... for some bizarre reason. It was the ONLY place they never looked, and maybe, just MAYBE might be the place where he might be hiding - but ah o well).
Each day when in his cave Jean would prepare all of his tricks ready for a fresh spring of harassment! He would bathe his socks in the sea water so they were nice and soggy ready to be thrown at people! And he would collect fish and crabs because he liked to put them in peoples pockets when they were not looking...
This might all sound rather strange but it was just Jean's way!
And then one day our boy Jean, while out looking for crabs, stumbled upon the lump of blubber named Bill!
Bill looked Jean up and down and started barking at him.
Jean clapped his sides and exclaimed:
'My gosh! Dear seal! I understand what you are saying! I can understand your language! What a blessing hey?'
'Really?' said Bill. 'Well isn't that nice!'
Jean asked for the seals name and the seal gave it over freely and fully.
'Bill the seal hey?' said Jean curiously. 'It is good to be in the company of a fine beast like you. A beast who can understand me!'
'Indeed,' Bill replied. 'We are both damp and sea washed - yes! We have a lot in common plainly.'
Jean asked the seal if he liked to drink wine. The seal said no that he did not. Jean responded to this by making a strange O shape with his lips. Jean then asked the seal if he liked to smoke: 'I have a smoke for you if you would like to have one.'
Bill explained that he had never smoked anything before.
Jean patted Bill firmly on the head and said, 'You are a wise fellow! Now I have a plan! I want you to put on this old scarf and hat I have here. My mother knitted them back in the day! That's right! Put them on there's a good fellow! Ah yes! You look good dressed in that. Now we are going to go on a mission... We are going to tackle as many people as possible today! My plan is to move along the breadth of the beach. Now listen up, Bill my son... we might get into trouble with the police for what we are about to do. If we do get into trouble I want you to tell anyone who asks that you are my son and the heir to my estate - my worldly possessions that collectively equate to a couple of shells, this old boot, this here pipe, this bottle of wine and yes - this old crab as well. I want you to have them - because you are my son!'
'Yes! I am your son. Thank you father for these wonderful things I will treasure them when the time comes,' Bill the seal yelped happily.
'Good man,' Jean replied. 'Right! To business then! Let's get out there and frighten some people!'
The Frenchman and the seal set out on a right rowdy rampage!
They chased people here. They chased people there.
Outside one of the locals pubs there was a couple of people in suits sat to a table having a business meeting. Jean just rolled up to them and put his dirty wet old boot on their table!
It was a lot of fun doing that but sadly it was the last straw for the mischievous duo. The one lady sitting at the table got up and cracked Jean out with a good hard clean slap to the face!
She addressed the two rascals:
'You two are a disgrace,' she said. She was talking to Bill as well. She actually thought the seal was a human being dressed in his delightful scarf and hat! So she pointed a finger accusingly at the seal and said, 'I have never been so offended in all my days! I am outraged and I will not stand for it!'
The woman pulled out her phone and made a little tinkle to the police.
It wasn't long before Constable Maddox turned up with his boys.
Maddox was ecstatic! He finally had the chance he had always been looking for to lock up Jean for good...
'And you are not getting away with it either!' Maddox said to Bill the seal. 'You two are going to be locked up for a decent length of time!'
And that is how Bill the seal ended up in prison!
Bill served five months before he was finally released but our poor boy Jean didn't make it. NO. Sadly Jean died in that prison.
When he was free Bill returned to Jeans cave to enjoy his inheritance.
'I shall look after your legacy Jean,' said Bill. 'Your dirty old soggy boots will be safe with me! I shan't forget you you crazy old dog! You were the best friend I ever had!'
But for now I will bid you adieu as the memory of you still lives between the stars and the seas...
(Remember! All spelling errors and grammatical mistakes are intentional - the author 😆)
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