What a Great time it was to be alive on the planet of Neptune in the Solar System.
The time was at hand!
After many years of conflict all Sixteen Tribes of the Sixteen Moons had been united under a single banner.
And the king who held that banner was the High Lord Ponder the Great.
The time was at hand!
After many years of conflict all Sixteen Tribes of the Sixteen Moons had been united under a single banner.
And the king who held that banner was the High Lord Ponder the Great.
'It is time to put our plans into action,' said Lord Wetly, Commander of the Fifth Legion.
'We have plans?' spoke up Lord Ponder, who had been in a very deep mood all morning.
'Why the plan to take over Earth of course, my lord,' the Commander returned. 'Everything is ready! Our designs are complete. Our forces assembled. We shall take the war to the heart of the enemy!'
'Please remind me, Commander Wetly, why are we doing this again?' said the king.
'To steal Earth's resources, of course, my king,' the commander replied. 'Do you have a problem with that? Sorry for my impertinence, my king, its just I don't understand how you cannot know about any of this. I mean, we have been planning this war since your fathers time.'
'Please, speak no more of this matter, I beg of you,' said the King. 'I have not the stomach for it, and my heart is weak. Please, leave me now so that I might have time to regain my breath...'
'But my king! The people of Neptune and the Sixteen Moons are expecting you to lead an attack! It must be done,' the commander persisted. 'We have no choice in the matter. We are running out of precious materials back here on our home planet. Darn it! We are running out of food stocks for goodness sake! We have to attack Earth if our people are to survive the next Sun Turn!'
Hearing this was enough to make the king collapse on top of his knees.
'Please don't put pressure on my feeble heart! I...I can't handle it!' he replied.
He started to have a panic attack.
It took three hours for the mighty king to recover and regain himself.
When breath had finally been restored into the lungs of the flabbergasted king, Wetly continued to press the monarch with Neptunes vital war plans.
'It has to be done my king,' he went on. 'The survival of all our people lies on your shoulders!'
'I can't do it,' the king replied. 'Look at my hands! They are shaking. I cannot do this. Please take pity on me. I understand how you feel, Commander Wetly. You are young, you are headstrong. You are a man of destiny. You want to prove yourself - you want to make the ancestors proud! I get you and I get all that, but I still can't do it. I am not the king you need. I am not the king you want. Maybe it is time I passed the crown down. Might you be willing to bear such a burden, Commander Wetly?'
'You are the true king and that is how it will always be,' Wetly returned passionately. 'You will keep the crown! Perhaps we require a new strategy! We need to ease your nerves my king! Let me tell you something, and this is true: Our enemies are weak! We can destroy them! And I can prove it to you with your own eyes!'
The king was confused and asked Wetly to explain himself.
How could his fellow comrade prove anything about Earth when they were all stuck on Neptune?
And Wetly had his answer prepped and ready:
'We will mingle with the enemy. Let's go to Earth now and you will see for yourself.'
'Wait! Wont the people there recognise how weird we look? I mean, we have six eyes for goodness sake. Don't we run the risk of being arrested?'
'Don't worry, my king. I have prepared disguises for us! The people on Earth will think that we are nothing less than common tramps! That is, a member of the everyday rabble...'
Marvellous stuff!
So dressed up as common streets urchins the King of Neptune and his Commander Wetly landed on Earth and proceeded to mingle in.
Eventually they found themselves attending the confounds a local bar.
Inside lots of people were getting very drunk and falling on their faces.
The king did not know how to react!
'They are so stupid,' he said. He did not know whether to be sad or happy. But like his friend Commander Wetly he did feel very embarrassed, for the humans at least. 'We don't need to conquer them!' the king continued. 'We can steal their resources and they wouldn't even know about it!'
'I think I agree with you my king,' said Wetly. 'Maybe we don't need an army after all!'
'But my there are so many people,' and the king started to feel very faint again. 'Wetly!' he cried. 'I am feeling panicky. My legs have gone all wibbly wobbly! I think another panic attack is coming on!'
A nearby ruffian with coin to burn plumped a full brimmed glass of foaming alcohol into the kings feeble and shaking hand.
'Have a drink to calm your nerves mate!' said the ruffian, and then he added, encouragingly, 'Take it in the eye if it helps! It works for me and the lads!'
So the King of Neptune splashed his full glass of alcohol on top of all six of his eyes - and like that he was cured!
'Why Wetly my dear friend! I am feeling very calm all of a sudden!'
The king had never felt so euphoric not in all his days!
He splashed his eyes a second time, for good measure...
'Even better!' he said. 'More! More! I want more!'
So came the third splash...
Then the fifth and so on!
And soon he was dancing with the commoners, throwing his four legs into the air and doing the cha cha!
'Never in all my days have I ever felt this way!' said the king after his tenth splash in the eyes. 'My six arms and twenty five fingers and fifteen toes have I never ever felt so good! Wetly my boy!' he called the commander over. 'As king I make my new order of the day! Delay the invasion forever! And bring round the lads! All Sixteen Tribes! Let's have a laugh!'
Wetly was with his king on the matter.
The Commander had already wetted his eyes fifteen times that night and was too busy trying to think about how he was going to move one of his four legs again let alone leading a battle against a whole planet.
It was time to end the war and wet the eyes of Neptune!
Hooray! Hooray!
LET'S WET THE EYES OF NEPTUNE!
And it was a merry night for the whole Solar System, until the morning came, and the hangovers kicked in, and the king died of a panic attack.
THE END
(Remember! All spelling errors and grammatical mistakes are intentional - the author 😆)
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