Shovel into soil.
Good start.
Dig Dig.
Almost there...
LIGHTS!
Wow? What are the lights about?
There are the sounds of aggressive footsteps heading their way.
O no! It's the police!
'Run for it uncle Lucian!'
Lucian jumped into a ditch. He was not proud.
Freddy on the other hand was caught and cuffed.
In little time at all Freddy was ducking his head as he was pushed into the back of car.
It was over...
The police took Freddy to a quiet cell where they got the chance to ruff him up for a bit. Nightshift officers had a hard time staying awake and they required a little entertainment to keep them going... Freddy was good sport. After giving him a black eye and a bloody lip, they dragged him by his feet into the main office.
In there they tied him to a chair using cold hard chains. The officer gave Freddy one last good hard punch across the jaw, just for old times sake.
Then everyone left except one man, and he introduced himself next:
'Hello Freddy. I am Chief Constable Fiddler. You have been a very naughty boy. I would give you a sharp slap or three if I had the energy, for thee. But tonight I don't and that is a very lucky thing for you. I am an ex boxer, Freddy, and if there is one thing I know very well and that is to throw a good punch in a mans face. And you have the kind of face that would serve an eager fist rather well. But tonight, Freddy boy. Tonight you get lucky.'
Freddy, terrified, dared to ask a question:
'What is this all about? Why have I been arrested?'
Fiddler brought out a large box from beneath his desk. He opened it and brought out a pair of old boxing gloves. 'These are what I used to use back in the day. I would like to use them now on you, Freddy. But like I told you already, I am very tired. Now let me remind you of something before we continue with this pleasant little conversation. I am the Chief Constable of this region and you are a nobody. This is my prison, and you are my prisoner. You don't get to ask questions, Freddy. That is my job.'
Fiddler put the boxing gloves away, much to Freddy's enormous relief.
Now the Chief Constable asked Freddy a very very weird question:
'Do you have a pet parrot? NO? I do. I like parrots. They are willing prisoners. Lock them in a cage and they never complain. They just stay there. They know their place. Unlike people. I don't like people. You lock people up and they complain about. They bring in their lawyers, and then you go to court and then there is a lot of talk, and it goes and on until you lock them up again. And then they start another case! You don't get any of that nonesense with a parrot. Did I mention that I have a pet parrot? Yes I do. I have a pet parrot because I like to take my work home with me, you see? You do see what I am saying, right, Freddy?'
'You don't like lawyers?'
'Exactly. And I don't like cocky punks like you. I can see that you are going to be trouble, Freddy. I have seen your kind a hundred times before now. And they all end up going out the same way, either winding up dead in the sewers, or behind a cell where I hold the keys.'
'Mr Fiddles... Fiddler, sorry. Can ask what it is I have supposed to have done wrong here?'
'That question is for me to know, and you to unravel the night I lock a cell down on you...'
'So basically you are detaining me here for no reason? Surely there must be some kind of law against that. I mean this isn't the 1212 and you aren't the Sheriff of Nottingham, right? Because let tell you now I am definitely no Robbin Hood!'
'But you are a robber, and one of a very serious and sinister nature,' Fiddler returned, grimly. 'We are watching you, Freddy. You and that weird guy who looks like that character out of that old TV show, the crypt keeper!'
'That's my uncle Lucien you are talking about there!'
'Yes, exactly. Your uncle who looks like the crypt keeper. Which is ironic because the man likes to hang around crypts doesn't he? Often people have seen him loitering around graveyards at nighttime, shovel at hand. He is a very suspicious and dodgy seeming fellow.'
'Then why aren't you questioning him as well?'
'In good time Freddy. Here in the Fenwick Police Department we like to tackle the small fish, before moving up on the bigger fish.'
'Fine. So you are holding me here because I like to hang around graveyards. That's not a crime.'
'I am going to find dirt on you, Freddy. And not literal dirt, because you are covered in enough of that stuff already, looking at your dirty coat and scruffy shoes. I cannot believe that people really think that you are an accountant. It's a ruse and it doesn't fool me Freddy boy.'
'Mr Fiddler. Please. I am not being funny here, but Fenwick is infested with cartels, gangs and now it looks like the New York Mafia has randomly decided to show up with that L.A Thinns geezer. Surely these mafia people are the real big fish, not me and my old wobbly uncle who can't sit down in a chair?'
'Like I pointed out. We start with the little fish.'
'Sounds alike an excuse to me. You don't want to go after the Mafia because they are too scary so you are going to pick on me and my uncle because we are unimpressive and stupid...'
'Do you still want that punch in the face? Because let me tell you my fist is p and ready to go!'
'Alright. I will keep quiet.'
'You need to know your place, Freddy. WE are watching you. There is a whole folder in the office titled: let's get Freddy. And we will get you. Chief Constable Fiddler is in charge of this town now, and I am going to root out evil and put things right again. I am on a quest to cleanse Fenwick, Freddy, starting with you and your sinister crypt keeping walking corpse of an uncle.'
After this final speech had been given Fiddler let Freddy go home.
When Freddy finally got out of prison he decided that life was too short and it was time for him to make peace with his beloved Bolly. Pearls or no pearls, love is built on more than crystalline calcium carbonate.
The stint in prison taught Freddy that the most important thing in life are the people that you love, and even though he and Bolly we going through a bad time at the time, his marriage was worth saving.
Freddy finally realised how lucky he was.
He was lucky to be free.
He was lucky to be alive.
And he was more that lucky to have found a woman like Bolly.
Freddy started to think very deeply about life - how differently things could be if he had done things in a slightly different way, if he had gone left in stead of right, spoke to that person and not the other person, chosen a slightly different loan shark to help him pay back his credit card debts, he's life might have been very different.
It made him quite philosophical!
'There was a million in one chance of me ever finding Bolly,' he said to himself as he was walking down the streets. He found himself standing outside his home. The door was unlocked and so he let himself in. 'I am so lucky to have met her,' he said. 'I need to cherish that luck! I need to make the best of it! I am going to go home and win her back! I am going to do what I have to do as a man! I know there is still a good sized spark of love lingering between us. Okay!' He took a deep breath. 'I am going to do this! I am home Bolly my love!'
'There was a million in one chance of me ever finding Bolly,' he said to himself as he was walking down the streets. He found himself standing outside his home. The door was unlocked and so he let himself in. 'I am so lucky to have met her,' he said. 'I need to cherish that luck! I need to make the best of it! I am going to go home and win her back! I am going to do what I have to do as a man! I know there is still a good sized spark of love lingering between us. Okay!' He took a deep breath. 'I am going to do this! I am home Bolly my love!'
Freddy was ready to get things done!
Nothing was going to stop him!
He was going to get his woman back!
So it came as something of a disappointment to Freddy when he found his beloved wife fully in bed with another man...
And not just any man - NO - but the infamous Brazilian Cartel Lord Corta Boa Almoço!
Five minutes later, after Bolly had gotten dressed, she and Freddy got talking in the kitchen.
'How could you do this to me Bolly?' said Freddy weakly. 'You know how much I love you. We are supposed to be married for goodness sake!'
'I like being married to you Freddy,' said Bolly. To be honest her positive answer shocked Freddy so hard to the core that it nearly knocked him off of his feet!
She continued:
'Being married to you suits me Freddy. It allows me to live here in Fenwick for free. But you must understand, Freddy, I am a woman and I need a good strong man in my life. You are not strong, Freddy,' and with those words being brought forth into existence Feeddy's heart smashed to pieces like a Nintendo controller being thrown against a wall by an angry child back in the 1980s. 'You are a simple man, Freddy,' she went on. With each word that left her soul, Freddy's general mentality started to edge closer and closer to the abyss... 'You are weak,' she said. 'You are a cake with no yeast. A dog with no bite. You have no passion. I want a man who is an oak tree. You... You are a weed. Corta is a beast of a man! But you, Freddy, you are a dandelion.'
Well at least she was being honest, there was that at least. But honesty didn't make Freddy feel any less like throwing himself out of a window with a tight and taught piece of rope snuggled around his throat.
'I can put up with a lot of bad things, Bolly, but this is too much even for me!' Freddy replied. 'Of all of the men in town you could have taken into your bed you chose that monster Corta? Do you have any idea who he is? He is the leader of the cartel... Have you not heard about him on the news? Remember hearing about that guy who was put living inside a barrel of acid? Corta did that. Corta is one of the most wanted men on the planet! Indeed the only reason the army has dragged him off somewhere is because Fenwick doesn't exist anywhere on any map. Damn Bolly! You are putting yourself in danger being with that vile man.'
'But I love danger,' Bolly returned with ease. 'Corta is a beast, yes, but he makes me feel alive. I love being with Corta. He is so frightening and I love the fear I receive from him never knowing from one day to the next whether he is going to kill me or throw me out of a window - I love it! The thrill of his next temper tantrum it makes me tremble! It is like being on a wild roller-coaster ride; a ride without straps and handles. Every morning I awake with the prospect of facing death and its wonderful! He literally makes my heart skip a beat. I just love Corta and his aggressive ways! You must respect my feelings, Freddy.'
'You just said you love the thrill of danger from one day to the next... So have you been seeing this man for a long time then? That's how it sounds to me.'
'Since I arrived, Freddy. The first day you left for work I brought that man into my bed.'
'Good lord...'
'Without Corta I would not be able to live in this town. I am sorry, Freddy, but you make me want to kill myself.'
'Well I am sorry to make you feel that way, Bolly, but let me educate you about a very real fact: you definitely won't live for long in that man's company!' Freddy replied, and he was speaking truly and from experience.
Freddy was shaking his head. He did not know what else to say.
'If it makes you happy, Freddy, you and me we can get divorced,' said Bolly.
Freddy had to weigh out the ramifications of such a procedure.
Divorced equalled two things: Humiliation on the streets, and total humiliation on social media.
He said NO to that.
'It's okay Bolly,' Freddy replied. 'I think our marriage is always worth fighting for! I love you and I know that you love me...somewhere...somewhere very well hidden. I am willing to forgive you for this affair and I am willing to wait for you to return to me. This thing you have going on with Corta it will not last. It's a faze that's all. Everyone has them (except me). You will leave him. You will come back to me I know you will. Remember what you said to me when we first met in that beautiful Thai city of Tittybong?'
'I was going to cut your throat while you were asleep?'
'No! After that. You said to me, "I want no other man but Freddy."'
'No other man but Freddy buried in the ground I think that is what it was I said?'
'That's right! We will grow old and get buried together (unless good old Uncle Lucien decides to dig us up!). I know we can make it through this Bolly. This is just a bad patch. All good relationships have them! Why should our marriage be any different.'
Just then in the midsts of that heart warming moment Corta came down the stairs holding a machete.
'YOU! PIG!' he shouted pointing at Freddy. 'You come with me DOG.'
Corta led Freddy into the back of his car, and by the back I mean the trunk, and drove him away somewhere...
They must have been driving for about thirty minutes when the car finally stopped and then Corta let Freddy out.
They were in the park, near the woods.
'You walk now, Dog, in front of me. You do not talk unless I tell you to talk. Comprende? Good! Now carry this shovel and go!'
Corta took Freddy on a long and deeply unpleasant walk through the woods.
Freddy could not believe there were still places left in the world more disturbing and ugly than the inside of Mr McGregor's toilet, but there he was in Fenwick Wood with an insane lunatic holding a machete at his back and now he knew the solemn truth... There is always something nastier out there waiting to greet you in the big bad ugly old world!
It couldn't get much worse than this, could it? Freddy decided not to think about such things as they went along - it just wasn't worth the effort of tempting fate like that (because good old fate always has something much nastier lurking up its horrible long dirty bedraggled sleeve).
They finally stopped when they reached a clearing.
Corta made Freddy lift his shovel dig.
Luckily Freddy had a lot of experience with this kind of work, and he dug a decent sized hole in the ground.
A hole large enough for a person to lie in.
O wait! Where was this business with Corta leading exactly?
'This is your grave,' said Corta, and then he thumped Freddy in the chest, edging him closer to the rim of the pit. 'You stay away from me and Bolly. Bolly is mine. I see you with her again and I will bring you back here and I put you in the hole and cover you in dirt! I bury you here, do you hear me, Dog? Answer when you are spoken to!'
'I hear you,' Freddy replied meekly.
'Good! I can go home to my woman now, in peace,' said Corta. 'You, dog, you stay here and think. You mess with Corta business again and I break your legs. Know your place dog. Corta owns Fenwick. I rule in this town. The people here are mine. Bolly is mine. YOU are mine, dog. And when I want to put you down, I will put you down! Now go to sleep!'
Corta returned to his car and drove away, leaving Freddy covered in mud but still breathing.
(Remember! All spelling errors and grammatical mistakes are intentional - the author 😆)
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