Freddy felt it was time to try and make it up with Bolly
He made it his personal mission for that day to win back the woman he loved.
He made it his personal mission for that day to win back the woman he loved.
But he had to sort his back out first... That toilet floor was really hard sleeping on and he didn't even have a bedroll!
A nice gentle walk in the park would help fix him up.
Unfortunately for Freddy that gentle walk turned into a crazy chase when he fell prey to a couple of members of the Irish Gang. Those fellows came striding out from behind one of the back alleys in a dodgy corner of town, a whole group of them, strutting down the streets in their suits and bowler hats and with their beating sticks in hand!
The situation was this:
McGregor had gotten himself mad drink the night previous and let slip that Freddy had been doing dealings with Corta, though he never explained what those dealings actually were but the Irish got wind of this news and naturally presumed that Freddy was tied up with the Brazilians in someway, and as these two gangs were presently locked in a fearsome war for control over the streets they saw Freddy as an enemy and were compelled to do their duty and give chase to the man.
They meant to kill him.
But Freddy, despite his poor bent back, manage to swerve the gang hiding in a dirty bin.
Freddy let loose a well deserved sigh of relief after that swift escape.
Freddy waited a good amount of time, nearly an hour, and when he finally felt that his enemies were out of deaths reach he climbed out of the bin and retook the mantle of his forsaken quest to win back the heart of his beloved Bolly.
Now what were two things in life women absolutely adore?
Diamonds and flowers.
Diamonds and flowers.
So Freddy knew what he had to do...
Freddy paid the local florist a visit.
Freddy walked right up to the owner and explained his situation:
'Listen up mate! My marriage is breaking down faster than Berlin in the last weeks of WW2. My wife has thrown me out onto the cold streets. I have been forced to sleep in a toilet for the night! Now listen. I need to cheer her up real bad and win her back into my life. I need flowers. Your best flowers. You are a florist? I need flowers and I need them now!'
'Sorry mate,' the owner replied casually. 'We don't have any flowers in stock right now. We are waiting for a new shipment that won't be here until tomorrow afternoon. But what we do have however are plenty of wasps. Here. Take a look. There are a few of them down there by the window. Take your pick. Most of them are dead, but there is one that it still alive over there in the corner. I can give you those dead ones down there on the window sill for a good price. What do you say? Want to make me an offer?'
Freddy couldn't believe it. The only florist in town and it didn't stock any flowers? Beautiful perfect Fenwock logic right there in action.
Now the poor man was truly vexed beyond belief.
His plans were melting like snow in the sun...
'Wait a second? I am trying to be romantic here,' Freddy explained to the wistful owner. 'Wasps don't spell romance to me. They spell DISASTER, especially during a picnic. Nobody wants wasps around.'
'That is a bit of mythology speaking right there. Old wives tales as it were,' the owner replied in a sneaky and very confident way. 'Now listen up lad. I am going to do you a favour. I am going to sell you five wasps for a fiver, that's a pound per wasp. Tell me that isn't a good offer?'
Having little choice Freddy dipped his hand into his cold pocket and dragged out his last remaining five pound note. He slapped the crumpled piece of paper into the other mans sweaty hands, and walked out of the shop with his five dead wasps lying at the bottom of a paper bag.
This refined and well thought out gift should please Bolly, Freddy was thinking as he made his way back home.
Confident that things were going to go well, for there were beads of love sown into every single one of those dead wasps, Freddy stepped to the front door with a skip in his stride.
No need to sneak in through the back this time. I know that this is going to work!
He used his knuckles to make contact with the door until it finally opened.
'What do you want?' said Bolly.
'Bolly, my dearest, I have bought you this very fine and charming gift. For you my sweet.' He brought up the paper bag. 'Here you are. Five crushed and dead wasps. I bought these for you, Bolly, because the florist told me that women love that kind of thing, and that florist seemed like a pleasant person who wanted to help me out so I went along with what he said.'
Bolly slapped Freddy around the face and promised to report him to the police for harassment if he ever dared to return home again.
The poor dead wasps in Freddy's hand blew away with the wind. It was like a sad scene out of a really badly conceived low budget movie filmed straight to VHS back in the 80s, the kind of movie the producer, who was most likely depressed and not quite right in the head, would sneak on the shelves of a Blocbusters in order to trick customers into thinking the movie was legitimate and not just a piece of feckless trash.
After that Freddy went back home, that is back to his second home which was a broken toilet cubicle down in a basement.
On his way back to his second home Freddy met up with old boy McGregor. The Scotchman was standing in the bar rubbing his hands together and looking very pleased about something. That pesky old man always had some business going on! The old war vet didn't know how to rest and he didn't know how to die either...
'I've got some good news,' he said as soon as Freddy was within earshot. 'As of today my business is going to be expanding.'
'What's happening then?'
'The Kings are back in town and they are looking to invest in a local business. They turned to me first! I feel honoured. With all the trouble that is going on these days with the street gangs it feels really good to have the Kings backing me up! They promised to protect my humble abode from the gangs if I sell their product for them!'
'O right. Nice! But that sounds more like a racket job than a financial investment...?'
'You think that way because you don't know business, Freddy. Men like you always see the negative when a good opportunity flies their way. Now come over here boy and you will learn something good.'
There was a pint sitting on the bar. It was full to the brim with a very fine, very calm looking golden liquid.
'Do you see that pint sitting over there on the bar? Do you know what is in that glass, Freddy? No? Well settle down because old McGregor here is going to enlighten you. Prick your ears Freddy and soak this in: that there, my boy, is a pint of refined G-Juice,' said McGregor delightedly.
'No way?' Freddy was genuinely surprised and you could hear it in his vice.
'The real deal and no less,' McGregor continued. 'I have a hundred barrels of the stuff signed over in my name. Delivered to me this morning from the Kings Brewery! They want me to sell it to the public, and if I do my job well enough, which we all know I will, I get a few soldiers on my doors and a share in the returns.'
'That is such an awesome deal! Damn it! Some folks around here get all the luck.'
'That is such an awesome deal! Damn it! Some folks around here get all the luck.'
'The Kings know me from old. Their grandfather and my grandfather go way back. They were in the war together, fighting in the resistance against the Nazi occupation. The story goes that my grandfather gave up his life to protect the Kings. Ever since then the Kings have always made sure to do my family a good turn whenever there was the possibility to do so. And here we are, the Kings and the McGregors back in business! I am going to be making a lot of money soon, Freddy.'
There was nothing better for healing the soul than listening to old man McGregor rub your face in his good fortune.
'Like I said you are a lucky man, McGregor and I am happy for you.'
McGregor drunk the whole pint of G-Juice down without offering Freddy a single drop!
'What's wrong with you today, Freddy? Still homeless?' said McGregor after he had finished drinking the good stuff.
'Aye.'
'What's with the bruise on your right cheek? Been on a fight with a couple of tough lads?'
'No. I tried to make it up with Bolly and she just punched me in the face. I even bought here a couple of wasps from the local florist,' Freddy replied weakly.
'Well nice try lad! Better luck next time. Now they say diamonds win over a ladies heart but I recommend pearls... Find your woman a pearl neckless and she will be locking the doors so you can never leave home again!'
'But all I can afford are wasps?'
'Then you need to get to work! Come on Freddy you are an accountant for goodness sake. There must be something out there for you to do? I tell you what, Freddy, seeing as I like you so much, I will put in a good word for you with the Kings. They might need somebody of your skill to check over their books... They might need help running that big old brewery of theirs!'
'Thanks for the offer but its okay. My list of clients is already very full.'
'If you say so, Freddy.'
Just then a man entered the bar and once he was in the atmosphere of the whole room changed with one stroke.
A grey headed and portly gentleman came waddling right up into view. He was wearing a suit and his left hand he was carrying a pool cue. Now this man had this kind of strange high falutin manner about him, very pompous, very swaggering, and he talked to you with this kind of aggressive confidence like you were already supposed to know who he was. The stranger flung out a ringed finger ready for Freddy to kiss. Freddy was happy to refuse to do this especially to somebody he knew nothing about until McGregor pulled the young man aside and quickly and quietly explained in his left ear that this stranger was no stranger. This man was in fact L.A Thins, master pool player and all round American super star.
'He's also got ties with the New York Mafia,' McGregor added. 'So bend that stubborn knee of yours Freddy and kiss that darn old ring of his unless you want to see my place being shut down, or worse burned to the ground,' McGregor pressed with great haste and with steady earnest. 'Upset this man and I will be out of a job and you will be out of a toilet.'
McGregor pulled Freddy back to the scene and Freddy did what he had to do.
L.A Thins looked very pleased. He slapped Freddy gently on the cheek like Freddy was kind of a dog.
'It's good to see the youth of today still show some respect,' said the master pool player. 'As you two men both know already I need no introduction, but I will introduce myself nevertheless because it gives me something to talk about. My name is L.A Thins. I am a pool hustler of a special kind. I have won bets worth a million in New York, L.A and beyond.'
'It's good to have you back in my place, Mr Thins,' said McGregor doing his duty by taking his turn to kiss the ring. 'I have not seen you in a very long time, Mr Thins! Where have you been? Boy it must be like five years since you were last seen in this town?'
'I like Fenwick. It's the kind of place where a man like myself can rest. But you know me from old, McGregor, pool is not only my game it is my life and I am always on the hustle. The only place where there's good pool money to be made is in New York, so I have to go back there every couple of months whenever I need paper to buy another boat, or a building block. The pool sharks of New York are ready to bet six figures sometimes more, and old L.A Thins is always ready to separate a man from his numbers. That is how I made a name for myself.'
'Bless you Mr Thins! You were always one cracker of a hustler!'
L.A Thins returned with a shrug, 'It's just pool,' he said, calmly. 'The game is in my blood. I am looking around your place, McGregor and it still seems you don't have a pool table at hand?'
'I could probably pick up a cheap one from Argos right now if you like...?'
'I only play with the best,' Thins returned casually.
Freddy found Mr L.A Thins uncomfortable to be around. He had this strange, demanding manner about him. And if he really was connected to the Mafia then that made the man appear even scarier and it made Freddy feel like he needed to hide in the toilet or find a suitable means to keep well out of the reach of his eyes.
I really hope this lunatic doesn't try to make conversation with me!
Too late!
L.A Thins beady brown eyes fell on Freddy. The master pool player had a question or two for the young man:
'Where are you from Freddy?'
Freddy told Mr Thins that he was from Brighton.
'I know that street it's in Chicago somewhere. Nice. Do you have any Italian blood in your veins? You must do you being a Chicago man and all?'
'I don't think so, Mr Thins,' Freddy replied nervously. 'I will go to the doctors and look into one day...'
'See that you do. If you are of Italian stock you have got my immediate respect. I can help you out with business. Just keep me informed.'
'Of course Mr Thins. I will do that.'
Thins started slapping Freddy on the cheek again.
Then Mr Thins fired his next dreaded question in the direction of the young man:
'Freddy boy! Do you play pool?'
'I don't Mr Thins. I am very bad at the game. I keep on knocking the ball off the table and ripping off the felt with the cue. I am an embarrassment at pool.'
'We have all got to start somewhere my boy. My saying is this: TRAIN TRAIN TRAIN. It's the only trick that works. You train at pool and one day you will be as good as old Thins! Now McGregor,' and it was with great relief to Freddy that the Mr Thins turned his attention back to the Scotchman. 'You need to get a pool table in your place.'
'I will do Mr Thins. I will invest in a good one.'
'That is what I like to hear. And then I can start training up Freddy here.'
And to Freddy's utter horror the legendary pool player turned his attention back to him. 'I am going to train you up to be a legend in the game Freddy. A legend like your new buddy Thins!'
'Thank you Mr Thins I appreciate that!'
'Don't think nothing about it. I am willing to help any Chicago man to learn the game. And to learn it well.'
McGregor asked L.A Thins whether he had a game coming up anytime soon.
'NO,' he replied while chewing on a toothpick. 'The real reason I am in Fenwick is because I wanted to meet my mother.'
'That sounds really nice,' said Freddy, trying to impressive the pool player. 'Where does she live?'
'Six feet under. How did you not know? She's been dead for ten years?'
'O! I am sorry...'
'Freddy! When I train you up you had better be a good pool player because if I beat you in a match I might have to do something unpleasant to you after insulting the memory of my mother like that! Ha!' he started patting Freddy on the head again as though the man was some kind of humble dog. 'Just kidding kid. I am always around paying respect to my mother. I will never forget the day we buried her. She had an open coffin, that is just the way of our family, she looked great, just like she did in life, and she was wearing a beautiful pearl neckless...'
On hearing this Freddy's eyes boggled like two giant fully inflated balloons!
A pearl neckless?
A PEARL NECKLESS!
The perfect gift for Bolly!
Now all Freddy had to do was utilise his cunning and sneak the name of the dead lady out of her sons wobbling lips...
'She sounds like a fine woman this mother of yours. I would like to pay her my respects herself one day, her being the mother of the finest pool player in town!'
'Moo Thins. That's my mother. What can I say? She was named after an old heifer. My father met her during the war...'
'Moo Thins! That's great. I will remember that.'
As soon as Freddy could get away he was off to Uncle Lucien's house.
The decrepit old man lived in a building that looked like an empty old garage. There were no chairs in the place because Lucien couldn't bend his legs to sit down. So instead the old man just stood in the corner of the room, like a lampshade or a wooden cabinet.
When he let Freddy in there was a fire blazing in the hearthstone. It was midsummer and no need for the heat, but Lucien liked keeping the thing burning because his home didn't have electricity anymore. Lucien was prodding the blazing thing with a long and ridged poker when Freddy turned up.
'By the glint in your eye you have got a job brewing?' said the cobweb clad old man.
'A lady by the name of Moo Thins was buried with a pearl neckless,' said Freddy, excitedly. 'I need you to help me dig the body up so we can find it and grab it. I am going to give it to Bolly as a present. I think it might be the thing to save our marriage, and in turn secure my image on social media for good.'
Uncle Lucien heard this and returned with a grim smile. He started tapping the tips of his long fingers together. Nothing delighted the half-dead man more than a good grave dig! 'Very well,' he said. 'I better go and fetch the shovel!'
(Remember! All spelling errors and grammatical mistakes are intentional - the author 😆)
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There is a prequel to this story. Check the link below if you would like to read it:
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That's it sir. Disitlled from my wives...
I don't want to know! Just keep it to yourself and pour me a drink will you!
don't have me! I already have a bold patch and I don't want it to grow any bigger!
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wasps
Peter Pan story - Mcgregror - you could away with that sort of thing in the 90s
Talk to McGregor about meeting Bolly, McGregor talks about his stories, Freddy wrongly arrested Meets DC Fiddler. Talk about Irish and their beating sticks
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