Showing posts with label ridiculous. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ridiculous. Show all posts

Friday, 20 July 2018

Drunk on water?

I once knew a man from Leeds

Who used to deal in seeds...

Poppy seeds don't you know?

He told me he had a problem with water. 
  I felt so sad for the fellow.
  'Every time I drink water,' he said, 'I always get stone drunk.    It's so awful!'
  I said to him, 'That is so awful.  How do you get by without drinking water?'
  He looked so forlorn.
  'It is a struggle,' he replied.  'A desperate daily struggle, a struggle where I suffer very badly.  What I do is, whenever I need to drink, I mix my water with cockney tea blend.  It tastes strange, and makes my head go all weird, but it works and it is the only way I can drink water.
  The other day, at work, while at a meeting someone got me some water from the dispenser unit.  I drank the water because I didn't want anyone to think I was being rude.  I got so drunk and made a fool out of myself.  It was awful.  I danced around on the desk and my manager was outraged.  I tried to explain my situation but he thought I was lying, and he sacked me there and then for drunken misconduct...
  'It was a sad moment for me because I worked so hard to get that job.
  'Now I am a washer man - but whenever I get a drop of water in my mouth I get drunk and end up getting into fights with people.'

I felt I needed to help this person out.
  So I did some research. 
  And after some time I discovered this strange ancient Shamanistic method for removing Drunk Water Disease.
 
One day we decided to carry out the Shamanistic method.
  It was going to be a day of cleansing.
  So we sat out in a forest, and I read the ancient words, and blew honey dew leaves through a fire. 
  My friend inhaled the honey dew and already I saw a change come over him.
  He started to speak:
  'I feel...
  'I feel!
  'I feel happy!  Happy happy Hippo!'
  And then I watched with my own eyes as my friend transformed into a great big fat old hippo!
  Ha Ha!
  What  a sight it was!
  'I am going off to find my friends now,' said the Hippo.
  And he plodded away to a zoo.
  So he was a hippo all along, eh?
  That explains a few things.
  Now my friend could relax in a swamp with all the other big hippos, and get a drunk as he wanted because he didn't have to work anymore!

THE END!!!




Witches Brew a short text based adventure game!

Sunday, 28 August 2016

Creepy Watson Gets Squashed !!!

Watson, a very strange and creepy man, joins forces with Martin to try and solve a mysterious, riddling case ...




Sunday, 7 August 2016

Martin and the Chipmunks 2 Martin gets arrested !!!! (almost)

So it's here

Part 2 of my new wacky cartoon series that follows the adventures of a weird talking owl and his friends.

Today Martin manages to get the police riled up!  The idiot!












My twitter page -
https://twitter.com/septic_stork
Join the Septic Storks septic brood.

Saturday, 28 May 2016

Ever heard of the Septic Dance?

So my friend said to me:

'Ever heard of the Septic Dance?'

  I said 'No' because of course I never had and I asked what it was about.
  'The Septic dance!!!  It is the thing everyone is into these days!'
  'Truly?  Now that is fascinating!  How does it go?'

And then my friend showed me this....



Monday, 19 September 2011

Don’t go up to the top floor!

Here is a new short story

starting below...
=======================


I had just moved into the new house with my poor mother when the old proprietor handed me the keys, gazed back up at the old building, sighed, and then said to me, ‘Enjoy the house!  It’s a beautiful building.  Just make sure you don’t go up to the top floor!’
  I laughed at him, of course, thinking he was having a joke, but when I laughed he gave me a funny, almost offended glance, and then stalked away before I even had chance to ask him what he meant.

It turned out I had inherited a sizable and attractive house.  When I first glanced about it I thought, I could live here quite comfortably.
  The first floor was a series of passages leading to several rooms all of which were very large, and clean, well ordered and full of light and air.  The house had a bar, at the back, and a cellar, and beside this a small archway led to the kitchen which was elegantly combined with the dining room, and beside this was an excellently proportioned living room.  There were also two good-sized bedrooms on the ground floor, and a bathroom with a wonderful marble floor.
  It was marvellous!  I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to own all this.
  Of course I decided it was time to peruse the second floor.  And so off I went to explore, and at the top of the steps I found something that amazed me.  The second floor was a mirror of the first floor, with exactly the same rooms, exactly the same size and in the same places.  There was one marked difference; the condition of the rooms was slightly lived, there was a certain shoddiness, with peeling paint and large accumulations of dust in certain areas.  But the living room was huge, and it had a great window that looked out on the grounds below, and positioned beneath it was a fire, and even now a living flame was already flickering away inside it!
  Now I made my way to the third and final floor - but stopped fast at the first steps.  Now here was another significant change in the quality of the building.  This final set of steps was without a carpet, and the walls without decorations, and the little window by the side of the steps was stuffed up by a scruffy, greasy curtain.  There was something grey and depressing about this part of the house, and the gathering of dust was so amazing I could plough my hand through it and leave a finger trail behind like it was a pile of old mud.
  I shook my head, but for some reason could not put my foot on that first step leading upwards.  It was like an invisible wall stood against me - and not just that, but an awful feeling of claustrophobia that vanished the moment I walked away.
  Now I remembered the old man's words - don’t go up to the top floor!  I think it was his fault I feared those steps!  He had put ideas in my head!  Well, whatever, I didn’t explore any further that day, and returned back down below.

The first few weeks of my new life in the house were wonderful, and relatives visited, and we had parties and mother seemed happy.  I don’t know how, but I almost forgot about the third floor!  A whole section  of the house I had completely forgotten about.  And yet every time I did remember the final set of steps leading to the top, a sudden gloom clouded my mind, and I shuddered with a inexplicable sense of fear.
  It was about our third week in when the first strange thing happened.
  I was on the second floor, in the living room, stoking up the fire, and whistling a tune, quite mindful of anything other than my good humour, when I noticed the cabinet door behind me.
  Now I hadn’t checked this place before so I opened the door, to find a little set of steps on the other side.  They curved round and then went up, and no doubt ended at the top floor.  A second secret set of steps?  “How strange!”  I thought.
  I decided to ascend, and then I had to stop, for halfway up a solid metal gate closed the way off.
  Now I looked at the gate, and with the attitude of any other normal human being I thought “what’s this doing here?” and felt quite ruffled to find my steps blocked by such a thing, and when I started to think of plans to have the gate removed I heard footsteps from above!  Then, on the other side of the gate, standing on the steps just above me, an old man appeared!
  I’ll be honest with you, I was scared, and I ran down the steps in a panic, but then a took a grip of myself, and returned, to find the man had gone, but the gate would not budge by my hands.
  I returned to the room below shaking.  The man I saw did bear a resemblance to the old proprietor who had left the keys to me, but even so, if it was him, he was still an intruder, and had no right to camp himself in my property.
  Eventually I returned downstairs and somehow forgot the matter.

The next morning I checked on my mother, who had been very quiet in her room, and had not stirred for breakfast, to find she had disappeared.
  She had gone off exploring on her own…  and then I thought in dread of the third floor, had she gone up to the top without me? And when I remembered the strange man that lived up there terror gripped me!
  I had been living in the house for a month, and still had not gone up into the third floor.  It was crazy!  It was only then I realised how mad it all was.  Really , it was like my house was two different countries, with the border lying between the second and third floor, and then over that border was some foreign land where I was not welcome.
  Well!  I thought now, plucking myself up.  “This has to end!”
  I wasn’t going to stand for it anymore.  I charged my way up to the top!
  When I reached the third set of steps I did hesitate for a while, but then remembered myself, and I tore down the greasy curtain, allowing a pale oily light threw, and then I blasted my way up to the top without stopping!
  So now I had reached the top floor, for the first time in my life.  The first thing I noticed was how cold it was.  And that was because none of the windows up here had glass panes, and a cold breeze was freely running through!
  I shivered, then braced myself, before beginning to explore.
  Again, the third floor was a mirror of the floors below, only the quality of the rooms was seriously degraded, with  chipped wooden floors and naked walls, and windows torn out and left as holes before the open air.  No furniture, no furnishings.  There were no lights, only a chill darkness.
  I shook my head wearily.  What was this?  It was like no one had lived here, and the place was left to fall into ruin.  Then I remembered my mother, and I had to find her, for she had to be hiding somewhere, in these creaky worn halls.
  As I reached a large open room, adjacent to the secret steps beyond the gate which led down the living room below, a ladder dropped down before me. I climbed it, till I reached the attic above, in the roof of the house.  Dust was in my eyes but when I had rubbed it out, an unimaginable sight awaited me.
  It was the old man, standing on a chair, with a taught rope fastened round his neck.  Right beside the chair was a huge wooden chest…
  ‘I told you!’ he said.  ‘Don’t go up to the top floor!’  He kicked the chair away from under him, and the rope snapped about his throat.  I rushed to grab his legs, to support him, but I was too late to save the mad fellow…  By the time I readjusted the chair, and was able to climb up myself and cut him down, I found he was dead, and a great gloom clouded my mind.

The authorities quickly zoomed in and carried the dead body away on a stretcher.  I was left with a strange burden to bear.  Nobody could explain what the man was doing in the roof; he had possibly fabricated a key which granted him access to the house after we had handed over the legal deeds, but how he had obtained sustenance and carried out his affairs without my knowing, I don’t know.  I could only guess he was mad!
  But then of course there was the question of my mother.  My mother!  Where had she got to?  On that we were all stumped.  She had completely vanished.  But the authorities were out with search parties already, and I could only sit in my chair and dwell in thought and hope for the best.

Everyone was gone by the time it happened.
  I was on my own, and I poured myself a drink, for my nerves were shaken, and my wits exhausted with the burden I carried.
  That was when I saw the huge wooden chest by the fireplace before me.  The same wooden chest that had been in the top floor, by the spot where the old man had hung himself.  Now the lock flicked open by itself, and the lid slid back…  White fingers flopped out and groped about like little grubs.  And then out crawled a gaunt and shaggy figure.  Pale and emaciated, and clad in rags - an old hag with dark eyes and a hooked nose, and an evil toothy grin…
  Good grief!  No!  I looked again, and saw, beyond that vile visage of a leering hag, my own mother, only warped into a vile crow beyond description!
  ‘Mother!’ I cried, ‘what has happened to you?’
  She laughed, and then croaked, ‘I am not your mother!  And I never was!’
  Dropping my drink I fled to my room and locked the door.  That mad thing is now smashing against it, hacking away with a great cleaver!  Already the wood is giving way, but the window will not budge, and there now seems no escape for me!
  As I desperately write the last lines of this record, I don’t think I shall ever know the dark riddle that creeps along the twisted ways of this house.
  There is only one thing I do know for certain, just before the darkness takes me - and that is the number of my days…

The End

Friday, 19 August 2011

Is it Friday? Good grief!

Another day, and another good kick from the Australia's by  the other side of some wild donkey seeking random adventure in the great outdoors.  Well, at least that's how I feel.

Anyway, let's return to something sensible.  Here are a few more daily tips to help you lead a healthy and mature life.

1.  If you see an oddly shaped sheep walking in an awkward fashion and it looks like its head is about to fall off, call the police at once!  It's probably a madman in disguise!

2.  If you feel worried you might commit a terrible crime hand yourself into the police and confess before-hand, and the crime will never happen!

3.  If you can't cross a busy road because of all the zooming cars, try to climb onto the roof of a building and leap from one roof to the other.  It's a brilliant way to move about, and you'll only fall if you think about it too much.

4.  If a fat and oddly large seagull accosts you in the street asking for directions please refer to point 1.

5.  The best cure for hay fever is to leap head-first into a pollen field and roll about in it all day long into the morning.  I have never tried to do this, and that's probably why I am still alive.

6.  if you have seen a dinosaur freely walking around in your back garden go check your medication now!!

Sunday, 14 August 2011

Sean Wadley's Words of Wisdom 14.08.10

Time for your daily enrichment:

1.Never trust a man in top hat - he might hide a gun in it

2.If a grandfather clock starts talking to you go to the doctors - you're going mad

3.Fish live in the sea, because if they lived on land we would be overpopulated and driven out

4.Penguins are intelligent enough to read books - they just can't tell you what they mean because they don't speak our language

5.Never underestimate your own strength - you might knock yourself out while scratching your eye

Saturday, 13 August 2011

What the Sun Doesn't Know

I have added a new story.  It can be found in the "story" section on the right side of the screen.  I would probably describe it more as mad - than strange; but its an experimental piece of fun I enjoyed writing.  As before, feel free to comment on it, any feedback is appreciated, good or bad.  There will be more stories to follow.  As soon as a new idea springs into my head I will place it down without hesitation!  Have a brilliant day, and I wish you all the best.

Sean Wadley

Thursday, 11 August 2011

The Deep of Space

Here is the first part of a very short story called the Deep of Space...

Not a very great name, I know, but it is an odd tale, to the say the least, and a bit silly at times, but the best way for you to understand what I mean is to read on!  Please feel free to comment on this tale.  Did you think it was good, or a load of complete jabberwock and something that should be stuffed into a rocket and blasted off into the Earth's atmosphere.

I would be pleased to hear anything!

Story starts below-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Deep of Space


Lacking the relevant qualifications to be recruited by NASA as a professional astronaut, I knew that if I was ever going to land on the moon I would have to build my own spaceship.
  It wasn’t until I finally met Doctor Kensler that the opportunity to bring about a lifelong dream came into my hands.
  I myself knew Doctor Kensler from old, from his lectures at Mastow University.  He had acquired fame locally, and he was a great speaker renowned for his precise diction and economy of language.
  It was said that he was to one day to be the globes next leading physicist, and that he would be remembered as one of our greatest thinkers, and I believed this myself, until I finally met him in person.
  In the end it turned out that he was little more than a clever actor.   Having said this, he had my respect on one subject, the only thing that made my interest in our friendship hold, that he was an inventor of singular brilliance.
  By drawing upon his vast pool of knowledge in thermodynamics, he was able to make miniature rockets fly as far as the earth’s atmosphere using as their fuel only refined quantities of water and air.  His first rocket, which all scientists recognised as the earthbound – was created wholly out of a plastic bottle filled with enough air to propel it into space itself!  And it would have entered space, finally, had the bottle not melted in the earth’s atmosphere…
  But his latest project had me thrilled to core, for now it was his intention to construct a much larger model, ten times the scale of his original constructions – a rocket that would be large enough to propel even human beings into the very bowels of space!
  After studying the diagrams, the annotated plans, and seeing the actual model in its early construction stages itself, I could easily see with my own eyes the precise method and succinct orderliness the Doctor Kennsler had placed into his brilliant invention.
  His work held me in complete awe.
I decided I would work with him, and aid him in the completion of the noble and great project.  Yet the more I worked with him, the more I began to know him; the more I began to fear him.
  It seemed that his brilliant mechanical knowledge was counterbalanced, badly, by fatal fits of madness; for as sad as it may sound, he was indeed quite mad.  There were occasions, which appeared to occur quite randomly - at least from my perspective so it seemed, when this usually passive and genial man was overtaken by passionate fits of unwarranted aggression.  This was attributed to his belief that he was himself loosely descended from Greek Legend “Alexander the Great,” and on various unfortunate occasions he could be seen, marching up and down the roads, in full public view, holding a wooden stick aloft (his sword) and demanded support for the invasion of Persia.
  Then at other times he thought himself to be Captain Blackbeard.  All it took was for it to rain, and at the sight of the falling water he was away, charging out of the door, roaring wildly, flaying about like some wild thing, and it took all my efforts to restrain him; on one occasion, were it not for my hasty interference, he would have attacked and possibly beaten up a passing pedestrian…
  Other than that he was just a perfectly ordinary person.

We donated weeks of our life in the building of the rocket.  The actual frame of the rocket was based on the earlier designs, and made of hundreds of compressed plastic bottles.  Then we covered the plastic frame with paper; the little gaps and creases we filled in with mud; the doctor told me that mud would turn into a strong glue when the rocket made its journey through the atmosphere – the raw soil would turn into a type of tough cement and stop the rocket from falling to pieces.  Because he was in charge, and a man of superior intellect, it took his word for it.
  Our rocket was fitted with one large room, with two chairs, for the both of us, and the window, which we forgot about to begin with, we cut out of the plastic frame and covered in several layers of good thick tracing paper.
  After about a week of solid work, the doctor started to load the rocket with large glass jars, each one sealed tight, and all containing the air we would need as part of the fuel source.
  The next day we loaded aboard the water, which we kept in large see-through containers.  Later we attached the water and the air to a machine we called, The Power, where all the power of the rocket would come from.  The air and water we connected to this machine using an intricate series of pipes.  With little valves we could enter certain quantities of water and air, and if we used the right amounts in combination with the helium, gas and fire we also kept on board, we would have the combustion we needed to lift off the ground and beginning our space bound voyage.
  We didn’t have the resources for a test flight, because if it went wrong, and the ship was to implode, we would have to build it again…and we just didn’t have the material for that.  So it was to be a one way trip, as it were.  If the experiment was to fail, and we all died, that is destiny.  ‘And what is life without risks?’ I said to the doctor, and he smiled, chuckled briefly, and replied, ‘If there were no risks, there would be no life!’
  I agreed with him when he said this – though later I didn’t know why.

The 17 sept was set to be our lift-off day.

We lit the rocket with my old cigarette lighter, which I kept on me always to remind me of how I succeeded in giving up smoking a month ago.
  The computer began to count us down – five – four – three –

And upon three there was a huge explosion, which we were indeed lucky to have survived, and then, just a little short of two seconds, we were going up in the sky!

…IN SPACE…

So far the experiment had been a success.  We were off the ground, and within only a few minutes we were within reach of the earths rim.
  The skies were getting closer, closer – and soon would be behind us…
  At last, I thought with great excitement, I was on the verge of mounting the greatest pinnacle of my adult career.  I was finally going to enter space.
  Then finally we entered the atmosphere.
  …And good grief did we ever know it.  Thankfully, we obeyed the doctors precautions, adding extra layers of pure mud to seal in the ships creases – and just as he predicted, the soil hardened and the ship held, and we finally arrived in space seconds later – all in one piece.
  I, personally, felt such great relief with our success that I sighed, deeply, and mopped the perspiration on my forehead; but as I did so I looked on my companion, doctor kennsler, who was the perfect model of calm and tranquillity.  It looked like he had done this before, and to see him there, calmly looking out of the window, with his ease of mind, whistling a tune, just made me laugh!
  ‘Ease some water into the engines will you Walker?’ he said.
  Taking one of the tubes a released a cylinder and allowed just a few drops of water into the power engines.  ‘Not too much there,’ said the doctor, though he could plainly see I had hardly used any.  ‘Every now and then the rocket will slow down, and to give it a boost we must release the water.’
  ‘How does this work?’ I asked him, with genuine interest.
  ‘Some of the water evacuates the ship and as it does so, space freezes it, our engines then explode it, and as the ice shatters into shards, it pushes us forward, offering a rocket a tremendous boost!’
  ‘Why have scientists of old not thought about travelling through space in the economical fashion as we do?’ was my next question.
  ‘They never thought to use the right values,’ he told me, simply.
  I never understood this answer, but then I don’t think he intended me to.
  The man may have been a quack, who didn’t really understand science – but still, he managed to get us safely into space, so he was obviously good at doing something.
  ‘More water!  Water!  Let it flow!’ he would shout at me every now and then, and moments afterwards admonish me for using too much of it.   ‘You are far too liberal with the water, my son,’ he would say, afterwards.  And then he would add, sarcastically, ‘Leave some for the return journey, wont you?’

The moon became an ever growing phenomenon on our screen.  It was a glorious sight.  Indeed, I was surprised how quick we reached it.  I was expecting a few days of travel but it seemed that only in a few minutes and the moon was there, right in front of us!
  ‘How did we reach the moon so quickly?’ I asked the doctor, and as I waited a response, my friend began to emit strange, bird-like clucking sounds.
  I was in true fear that a madness had seized him again, here, now, in space.  Which would it be, Alexander, Blackbeard?  Or something new, perhaps more terrible?
  Thankfully the man held his reserve, and replied, ‘Our fine precise mixture of air and water helps keep the rocket in line with relativity.  We are presently travelling at light speed, my boy, light speed!’
  ‘But that’s impossible?’ said I, but he only laughed at me when I said this.
  ‘Improbable,’ said he, ‘but never impossible!  Now then,’ he said, speaking of something completely different, ‘pay attention to my words, and ease off with the water there on the engines.  We want the ship to slow down before we literally collide with the moon!  And I say again with vigour, collide!  For we shall do that, unless we cool off the engines!’
  So I eased off the supply of water and looked out of the window.  And there, sure enough, was the ugly fungous like body of the moon below us.  I felt the desire to get out of the rocket and walk across the moons’ surface – to fulfil that old dream of mine…
  …When I realised the great mistake we had made.
  We had no space suits.
    I was about to raise this setback in our plans when the doctor suddenly, and rather aggressively as well, ordered me to be quiet.
  ‘We must reach the shadowy part of the moon,’ he said to me.  It looked like he was trying to bring us about on the opposite side of the moon, for reasons that lay far beyond my mind.  I had no idea that unlike myself, it was not the moon he wanted to see.
  That was when I began to see the true foolhardiness of our whole expedition.  In the weeks we worked on the rocket, we never once discussed what it was we wanted to do when we got into space – that it was my dream to see the moon, and his to go somewhere far grander… far more unimaginable.
  ‘This is what I want to see,’ and he pointed and I looked at the window, and saw before me what I could only guess to be a black hole.
  ‘I observed it in my telescope a month ago,’ said the doctor.  ‘This is the reason why I built the rocket.  It was to be here, to see this!’
  ‘But what is it?’
  ‘A jump bridge,’ he told me.
  ‘Never heard of one?’
  ‘What about a wormhole then?’
  ‘Sounds vaguely familiar…I think…’
  ‘This is what it is, basically.’
  ‘And what is a wormhole?’
  ‘They are doors, my friend.  Ways of quickly moving around vast distances of space.  Why, this one right here before us could lead anywhere in the universe!  Why, it might even lead to another universe altogether!  Ha!  Think of it!’
  ‘I prefer not to,’ said I.  ‘We should turn around now.  Can’t you see, you have aimed the rocket right at it!’
  ‘And of course!  That is my plan!’
  ‘What?’ I exclaimed, and now true fear had gripped me.  What was this madman planning?  What had I fallen into?
  ‘I am going to go through it, and travel to the other side!’
  ‘Not while I am on board,’ I replied.  ‘This was meant to be a simple mission to the moon, but I didn’t sign up for this.  Turn around now or I will take over.  Don’t try to stop me, doctor, I’m sure in a fight I would best you.’
  By the time I realised the fantastic danger I was in the doctor had emptied the last of the water supplies into the engines.  Now there was no way of pulling back or turning the rocket round.
  ‘What have you done?’ I cried.  ‘You have killed us both!’
  ‘Surely I have,’ he said, and then laughed (for madness had obviously taken him), and then he shouted, ‘but at least we shall be famous!’

There isn’t much I have seen that is darker than space, but that black hole, or whatever it was, was darker than dark itself, like the vastness of our universe was some unfathomable beast and here then was its huge ugly mouth; and there we were heading right into it.  There was now no way back.  ‘How long do you think it will tale for us to die?’ I asked the doctor.
  A sense of calm suddenly settled between us.  It was a strange time for calm, I know, but things were very calm at that moment, and around us there was right sort of atmosphere for a question.
  But the doctor did not reply.  He was sleeping…
  I braced myself.  Now we were in the hole itself.  The blackness that was not part of space but part of something else which was all around us.
  In fact, at the time, I remember thinking there not being much difference at all, at least visually, between space and the inside of the black hole; the only thing being that there were no stars here.
  ‘We are in the black hole now,’ I said allowed, and my saying this seemed to force the sleeping doctor to suddenly arise in an eruption of anger.  ‘It’s not a black hole!  I told you.  A wormhole!  Philistine!  It is a doorway – between our universe and another!  Where it will lead I do not know- it might not lead at all!  We may be destroyed. ’
  ‘Then there is a chance that we might survive this journey?’ said I; and I was still surprised that we hadn’t died yet.
  ‘The odds, put simply, are a million to one, but yes, we might yet survive!’

And that was when it happened!  The rocket jerked violently, and then began to spin around, and to say that I felt sick then was an understatement, but my British reserve prevented me from unleashing the stuffing of my unsettled stomach.
  Then, at the edge of the blackness, a great thing, as I can only describe it as a thing, made of light, shimmering, made of lots of strands, came floating forward, moving strangely through the space like a jellyfish in the sea.
  It came closer, and closer.  I was so horrified I could not speak, the doctor seemed to have fainted, so he didn’t see any of this.  A shame really, as i imagine this sight would have boggled even his wild imaginative mind.
  Then the rocket, all of it, seemed to melt away, vanishing into nothing, leaving us stranded and floating in the darkness.
  It seemed an eternity but I knew nothing more for a very long time!

…I AWAKEN…

How I survived these cataclysmic events is a topic of debate that would be far too extensive to elucidate here in this rabble of notes I have kept as a journal.  Let us just say, in the interest of brief and clear narrative, that I just survived.
  There were flashes of vision, and when I think back on them now they seem more like dreams, though very real dreams at the time.  I can only guess that my companion and I had been taken prisoner, and were for some time in thrall of the jelly fish creature I described earlier.…
  We were inside it, floating along through the universe.  We must have made it through the black hole – or wormhole whatever it was.
  But I could see no stars, but the blackness was not so black, and all across one point of my view was a vast sheet of pink-red, which I guessed was a nebular of some sort – but then what do I know?  I have seen photos of nebulas, but what do they look like up close, or when you are in them?  Do they really have colour like this, as I was seeing?
  Then it all went black – we were moving to a blank rock like object, a type of floating rock – I suppose I must have thought I was an asteroid at the time.  We were put onto it, the doctor and I, and that was when I slept, for a very long time.

When I opened my eyes again things had changed very much.
  It looked like I was inside a prison cell.  All around me, four stern steel walls – and on one a great door, which would be, no doubt, locked against me.  There was no window, but there was light, but I could see no place for it to flow from.
  Too tired to think too much I just sat and lay there, with my back against one of the walls, and dozed, and dozed – till the realisation flushed through my ears, around my brain and out of my eyes and nostrils!
  I was a prisoner in a strange room!  I had been abducted!
  It actually turned out that I was not, and I hadn’t been, but at the time, my imagination ran in circles.  We must have been taken by aliens, I thought.  We were their prisoners!  Now in their power, they would embark on a series of diabolical experiments upon us.  The horror of it all was too much.
  Finally, when I tried the door, it actually opened, and I entered upon a great polished corridor.  I don’t know why but I felt like was in a hospital, for there were lots of other little wards, as it were, branching off on either side, and there were beds, with curtains, and above, a dull horrible light, flickering.  It all looked very earthly – human almost – in fact I would have thought my whole experiences so far, the rocket and the wormhole, just part of some mad dream; but the wards were so quiet, and there was nobody about.  No, this wasn’t Earth, I knew that.  There was a strange feeling.  The air was humid, but there was a cold chill in my spine.
  And there was writing on the wall, just little signs and notices as we have, but the writing was all outlandish, written in no alphabet I had ever seen.
  My first plan was to set out in search for doctor kennsler, my erstwhile companion, the only human I knew that must be here, and perhaps, with our company joined again, we might make a sensible plan of action.  At the moment I just felt such a sense of loss I just didn’t know what to do.
  Then, just like that, while I whirled in desolation, someone stepped out of one of thenearby wards and stepped right up to me.  ‘Best be leading you back to your room, good sir!’ he said.  He I say, for it was in fact a human, at least it looked like a human, who stood before me.  A small aged man, with glasses.  He was very thin and had strange long arms with knuckles that almost brushed the floor.  He aimed a broom at me and with it shoved me backwards.
  ‘Wait my good man!’ I started.  ‘Tell me first, where am I?’
  ‘Welll…er…’ and then the stranger laughed, ‘I don’t really know meself,’ he said.  ‘Now let’s stop this talking and be getting you back to your room!  It’s more comfortable there.  Don’t know why it is you wanted to leave!’
  I was too weak to resist even this old figure of a man.  He shoved me back into the cell where I began, vigorously poking me with his broom, and when I was back inside he put good strong cuffs around me feet and hands.  ‘That will do,’ he said and brushed his hands on his coat.  ‘I’ll fetch my old mate, Wretch, along.  He’ll get some food for ya.  Can’t have you been ‘ungry now can we?  Ha!  Can’t have that.  And this place could do with a polish!’  he spat into a clothe and began wiping the walls with it.
  As he worked he whistled, and shouted, ‘Wretch!  Where are you?  Wretch!  This man wants feeding!’
  I was surprised when his, mate, Wretch finally arrived, that he was in fact a great shaggy dog.  The food, which looked to me like green slime, was on a dish the dog carried on string around its throat.  The dog dropped the dish on my lap, dunked its nose in it, and walked away.
  ‘You’ll find you get treated well here,’ said the old man, wistfully and half to himself.  ‘Better than most other hospitals you’ll find.’  When he said better, he looked at me precisely in the eyes with so fearsome a consternation I shrunk in on myself – trying everything I could to just disappear.
  ‘So I am in a hospital?’ I asked him, but he seemed to ignore me.
  ‘There may only be me and old Wretch working here, but that’s all this place needs.  The best hospital, we have.  I mean, just look at this place.  You have good food to eat, you’ve got a clean room, and your comfortable as well.’
  He got down to his knees, and tightened the cuffs around me feet.  ‘There,’ he said.  ‘Nice an’ comfortable.  You’ll find you get looked after here.’
  What sort of a hospital was this?  I was so scared that I found the strength to try at the iron cuffs that locked onto my arms and feet.  When the old man sucttled off somewhere, I crawled out into the corridor, and shouted, at the top of my voice, ‘Help!’  and I cried this twice, as loud as my voice-box would allow me.  When my strength gave out, I collapsed in a heap, and lay there.

Moments later I heard footsteps in the corridor.  To my horror, the old man was returning, the dog at his side.  He was carrying his broom again, and was pointing it at me.  ‘What’s this then, hey?’
  ‘Please!’ I cried, hoping my cries would force the man to take my prediciment seriously, ‘I just want to know where I am!’
  ‘Do you, aye?’ said he, in a very gruff and grim way.  It seemed I had caught him at a bad time.  ‘Well I can tell you where you ain’t,’ he said, and began to growl – i thought it was the dog at his side, initially; but no, it was the man.  ‘I don’t run a hair saloon, my friend, or a cocktail bar.  We don’t do manicures here.  Oh no, sir.  This is my hospital, my little place, and i run it my own way.  You go along with the rules and you are treated well.  Go against them, however, and, well, things get a little bit messy.’
  That was when he grabbed me, with strange strength, and pulled me down the corridor, where i was led to a strange dark cupboard, strapped onto what had to be a type of pull down bed, which he then closed up and shoved me into the side of the wall.

Was this to be my fate then?  To have managed the unimaginable – to have travelled through space - to another dimension...to be locked in a cupboard...?
  The initial shock of my predicament was exchanged with the ancient biologically inbred human will to survive.  I kicked and pushed and strained against my constraints, and when that failed I yelled as loud as I could for help.
  And it worked!  Moments later I was released from my confinements.
  To my vast relief I did not see that mad old man and his dog standing before me, as I feared it was him who had released me at first.  That he had returned merely to offer me more of his outlandish brand of torture.
   My cooped up conditions had stifled me, and it wasn’t until I had regained full consciousness that I looked at last upon the face of my rescuer, to find, indeed, that it was no human stood before me – but an alien!

…I look upon the face of an alien…
Yes.  It had to be an alien.  It couldn’t be anything else.  I know the old man and his dog I just met could easily have passed for aliens, at least, in their behaviour – but this new fellow, well, in his appearance he visually was alien.
  He was of average size, I record him not being much taller than myself, and he was sapient in form.  But his skin was silver and glittered; and his eyes were just small bright sparks!  His hair had been cropped, and he had no ears, just holes; and in the middle of his chest, where his heart was, stretched a sheet of translucent material and behind it, a series of glowing wires, engulfed by a strange yellow jelly.
  ‘I will thank you for your help, now that I have my breath back,’ said I, to it.   ‘I do not know what is going on, but maybe you can help me.’
  ‘You may call me Brill,’ said the alien, speaking in a piping, musical voice.  ‘Brill-I-Aint, in full, and I was born to a shoemaker, apparently.  My father was a brilliant craftsman!  I never met him, of course, he was one thousand five hundred and five years dead when they cloned me from one of his eyelashes.  But still, that ancient particle buried away in my sympathetic biological frame brings on old urges; my love of shoes, for example.  I love shoes so much, you wouldn’t believe it.  You are a very lucky person to wear shoes yourself,’ he finally said to me.
  ‘Why?’ I asked him.
  ‘Well, it’s just one of the problems of being biologically enhanced.  I must be at least a thousand years ahead of you, in terms of my human artificial development.  While you grew, I was made – in a tube.  My skin on my feet is made of iron, so I don’t wear shoes; but I think of it, and always think of those quaint old ancient days, when people wore such things as shoes.  Your life must be so exciting!  All those wars and catastrophes you had – so very little ever happens these days.’
  ‘You are – human?’ I said to it, but it did not reply, and continued its reverie.
  ‘I wish I could have met my father, my real father, that is.  But you never know; some paradox might bring us together sometime in the unforeseeable future or past as it were.  One can never quite tell in this particular universe – which ways front to back.’
  Though it was interesting to be able to speak to an alien, but the topic of conversation so baffled me I was eager to change it.   So I said, ‘Where am I, and why was I imprisoned?’
  ‘It seems you’ve met Rhubarb Friddler?’
  ‘Who’s that?’ I said.
  ‘The old man that put you in here.  Yes, his name is Rhubarb Friddler, and he is a stupid person.  So stupid he has won a medal for it, you know?  But don’t you worry about him.  Thinks his in charge of the place, but he isn’t really.  The rest of us find it wise to ignore him.’
  ‘I need your help,’ I said.  ‘I had a friend, Doctor Kennsler.  He and I built a rocket, and we were travelling through space, when we encountered something I think my friend called, a Black Hole.  When we entered it, I think we must have been taken to another dimension.  You must help me find my friend.  He could be in desperate danger.’
  ‘Was he like you?’ said the alien.  ‘What I mean is; was he sort of short and fat and very unimpressive looking, as you are, as are most of the people living in your age of history?’
  ‘He had a beard, so that might have made him look different to me, I suppose,’ I said to it.
  The alien observed me, than, with his curious blue specks, and he said, ‘A beard?  Is that some sort of apparel?’
  ‘It’s like hair, on the head, but on the face instead.’
  ‘Hair?  ON the head?  Oh that!  Sorry I thought that was your hat.  We don’t have hair, my people.  Must of us don’t even know such a thing exits.  I only do because I’m an historian.’
  ‘So have you seen him?’ I said, losing my patience with this strange, and as I thought at the time, slow creature.  ‘Have you seen doctor kennsler?’
  ‘No.  But I have read of him in a book.’
  Good grief!  I was at loss.  The alien seemed intent on talking nonsense, and I could not drag even an inch of sense from it, so I tried some other question instead, with the hope that I might eventually prise some intelligence from this odd and slow creature.  ‘Where am I?  I mean, what planet am I on?  Please, I just want to know where I am, and I would also like to know what year it is.’
  The alien seemed to be totally overjoyed with being given the chance to answer my questions.  ‘Well, there are no years, for starters,’ it replied cheerfully, ‘and where we are, as you just asked, as far as I am concerned where is wherever it wants to be.  I mean, if there was such a thing as where, we would all get lost all the time wouldn’t we?’
  I could have seriously cursed that creature, with its irksome riddles.  The alien could obviously speak English, I could understand what it was saying and everything, but why it ever insisted on talking so unintelligibly left me utterly baffled.  But then, I reminded myself; it was an alien after all and probably only in the early stages of learning a human language.
  I decided to rephrase my questions, to simplify them, as it were; I would streamline my speech; synchronise our oratory, with the hopeful result that I might be able to eventually weld a common understanding between us.  So I began by simply asking: ‘We, inside A Hospital?’
  Studying my expression it laughed, and said, ‘Jokes are not my forte.  There were never allowed to be.  In fact, by my time, they had all gone out of fashion.’
  I obviously wasn’t going to get anywhere with this dumb animal, so I decided to ignore the creature and plan my method of escape.  There had to be some sane person nearby, with whom I could communicate, and learn something about my surroundings.  I presumed I wasn’t on earth any more; so where as I?  I had to find out – before I went mad.