The 1st time my uncle got himself arrested! (part 1)

This is the story about the first time my uncle got arrested.

He has been arrested many times, since.
But this was his first time.

My dear old uncle Clyde is very accident prone...
He's a kind person.
Tries to do right, but no matter the situation he always messes it up.
On this occasion he messed things up very badly indeed.
And all he wanted was to be helpful!

Poor fool...

He was working as a janitor for Wilkinson's at the time, this was four weeks after being sacked from Tesco's where he had worked fort eight years as a floor sweeper:

He had dropped his bucket onto a customers foot...

Clyde was driving home, minding his own business.  It was nine in in the evening, winter, dark, and in the flash of the car light he saw a fellow stranded on the side of the road and frantically waving his arms for help.  It appeared that their car had crashed into a bank and there was oil spilling out everywhere!
  He was a stranger by my uncle was still up and willing to help!
  It was his way.
  My uncle stopped his car and stepped out an asked what the problem was.
  'Just crashed me old car,' said the stranger.
  'I can see that,' my uncle replied.
  'I don't suppose you could help us out could you?  It would be great, mate, if you could.  I just don't know what to do!'
  'Are you with the RAC AA?'
  'No mate I don't do that sort of thing!'
  'I will call the police!'
  'No mate!  Don't do that!  I don't want the police involved in this.  This is a private matter, mate.  Private!  And private means no police, like!  I just don't want those police sticking their noses into my business!'
  'Well,' said my uncle, 'I don't know what to suggest.'
  'I don't suppose you know a mechanic?'
  'No.  Do you?'
  'Are you a mechanic?'
  'I am a janitor.  Formerly a floor sweeper of Tesco.  I have been demoted.'
  'Sorry to hear about that, mate. Look.  I need help here.  I don't suppose I could use your car?'
  '...I can give you a lift...'
  'I need somewhere to stay?  Hey!  I have an idea!  Why not let me stay with you!  That sounds like a great idea!'
  'Well I don;t know...'
  'How about one day?  How does that sound son?  I stay at yours for one day!  Come on man!  Where's your charitable spirit?  We are all brothers of the road here!  We've got to help each other  out!'
  My uncle agreed to help.
  You can stay for one day!
  That's all.

Back home and the stranger made himself nice and comfortable.
  My uncle was amazed to see this!
  The stranger just walked in, grabbed a can and spread himself out on the sofa.
  'Cheers mate!'
  My uncle was in despair!
  How had he gotten himself into this utterly mad situation?!?!
  My uncle said he had to get up early for work.
  'Good for you mate,' said the stranger.
  'What's your name?'
  He was called Edward Price.
  He didn't ask for my uncles name.
  He didn't care.
  He was too busy rubbing his dirty boots on the arm of the sofa.
  Just then there was a knock on the door.
  Edward jumped behind the sofa.
  'Tell them I'm not here!' he screamed.
  MY uncle opened the door.
  It was the police!
  'We're looking for a man called Edward Price.  Seen him?  Here's a picture of him.'
  My uncle said he had never seen the man before.
  He was a loyal fool.
  'Let us know if you do,' said the police officer.  'He's dangerous and wanted!'
  They left.
  Edward emerged from his hiding place patted my uncle on the shoulder.
  'Good man!' he said.  'You and I are like brothers!'
  'I... don't know about that...'
  There was another knock!
  Edward retook his position behind the sofa as my uncle opened the door.
  This time it was two large brutes!
  They were big lads!
  Not the kind of guys you wanted to mess with!
  'Can I help you gentleman?'
  One of them spoke.  'We want to look behind your sofa!'
  What?
  'Not so fast!'
  It was Edward!
  He was holding a Berretta 9mm at the two thugs.  'You won't get me this time!' he cried.
  He shot one of the men dead.
  The other thug fled into the dark, barely escaping...
  Edward fired two more shots, then turned to my uncle!
  'Get into the car mate!  They'll be back with more lads before you know it, and then we will have a war on our hands!'
  'A war???!!!!'
  My uncle couldn't believe what was happening.
  I don't think anyone in his situation would either.
  'Get in the car!' Edward screamed.
  Not feeling in the mood to argue with an armed man my uncle got back into the car.
  Edward sat at the back, and placed the guns muzzle at my uncles temple.
  'Stay calm mate,' he said.  'Just drive!'
  'Drive where?'
  'Anywhere!  Just keep going otherwise those lads are going to find us again!'
  So my uncle turned the car on and drove.
  Edward said my uncle was a good guy, and then added, ominously, 'But I will shoot you if I have to.'
  They drove along quietly for a while.
  My uncle was tired.
  He was hoping he was going to wake up from this nightmare soon.
  'I've got a six o clock shift you know?  Those toilets won't clean themselves you know?'
  'Keep those lips from moving,' said the madman Edward.  'Remember who has the gun!'
  Just then another car pulled up.
  My uncle saw it steer into view from his right screen window.
  A dark beetle, black against the night.
  'I can walk to work if you just want to steal my car,' said my uncle to his captor.
  'Silence boy!' Edward screamed.  'You and are brothers in this war.  We are in cahoots.  We need each other to survive against the dark forces.  If things are going to end in a blaze of glory then let us go out together.  You and I!  To the end brother!'
  O no!
  The drivers in the black car behind pulled down their windows and started shooting.
  Bullets were ringing around everywhere!
  Edward wound down his window and fired back.
  'Go em!' he cried.  'Those Russians won't get me!'
  Russians????
  'Yeah!,' Edward replied.  'Russians gangsters.  Been tracking me for the last few months!'
  Good lord!
  'There are a few more turning up!  Keep driving lad, and I will keep firing.
  My uncles car sparkled with bullets!
  It might have looked nice, in a movie, or somewhere else.
  This is a living nightmare!
  'Did I tell you I start work at six in the morning????'
  But Edward didn't car.
  He just kept firing.
  He was actually quite a good shot!
  'This isn't your first gunfight is it?'
  'NO,' Edward replied.  'I am fighting a war remember!'
  Great.
  The Russian cars disappeared from view.
  Thank goodness!
  'Pull over!' Edward cried.
  My uncle obeyed.
  'I've been shot!' said Edward.  'I am bleeding out man!  I won't last the night!'
  'I'll call the ambulance!'
  'No son!  Don't do that.  No ambulance!  No police.  I want to keep this private, remember?'
  'Yeah.  Sure.'
  'Listen.  Take this.'
  He stuffed several paper packages into my uncles hands.
  Edward said they were drugs.  'Take care of them!'
  'I don't want them!'
  'Just take them!' Edward cried in pain.  'This is all I am worth!  My legacy!  Sell them if needs be!  Make some dough for yourself.  You deserve it!'
  No!
  'Better put the fuel on son!  I hear police!'
  Edward died there and then.
  My uncle was in despair, again.
  What was he to do?
  'What the heck am I going to do!?'
  I think in every human brain there is this little thing - this little cell - and it kicks into action in a crises and makes rational (by that I mean boring) people do crazy things!
  And so my uncle did a crazy thing.
  He got the dead body of Edward and bundled his corpse into the boot of the car!
  There was blood everywhere it was crazy.
  Just then the dark road lit up yellow and blue.
  The police were there in force.
  A police officer slowly got out of his car and casually strolled over.
  'Let me see some ID citizen,' he said.
  'I don't have any on me right now officer,' said my uncle.
  The police officer chuckled.
  'Don't worry son I just like to say that to scar people,' he said.
  'That's very good officer.'
  'Indeed.  Anyway.  I need to ask you some questions.  Are you ready?'
  'I guess.'
  'Good!  Now are you aware that this road has just been turned into a warzone?'
  'Ah... no...?'
  'What?' the officer exclaimed.  'You mean you didn't hear all the crazy explosions?'
  'Very very bad hearing...'
  The officer smacked my uncle round the face.
  'You refer to me as sir, do you hear, son?'
  'Sorry sir.  Yes sir.  I didn't hear all the gun-firing and explosions, sir.'
  'Good man!  Shame you didn't hear the explosions.  Damn Russians!  At it again!'
  'This sort of thing happens regularly, sir?'
  'Indeed my man.  Regularly!  Every other day.  There's a war going on, don't you know son?'
  'NO sir.  But I do know now, sir.'
  'Have you seen anything suspicious tonight?'
  'Not really sir.  Saw a...  wagtail, in a tree, and they are usually asleep at this time of day.  Like I should be, sleeping and getting ready for work!'
  The police officer slapped my uncle again across the face again.  'Are you disrespecting me boy?  Are you saying you would rather be in bed, getting ready for work, than helping me solve this terrible crime?'
  'NO!  NO not at all!'
  The police officer smacked my uncle for a third time, then adjusted his tie.  'Good!  And you forgot to call me sir,  that was what the last smack  was for.'
  'Sorry sir.'
  My uncle bowed his head.
  'What's all this red stuff up and down you?'
  'O...That's just some wine I spilled before I set out on my peaceful enjoyable evening drive.  I wasn't careful, sir.  It was a good wine!'
  'The wine is all over you!  Don't you know how to drink properly?'
  'Obviously not, sir.'
  'We can remedy this!  Follow me back to the station and I will teach you the best way to enjoy wine before an evening drive!'
  'I'd rather not sir.  If it's okay with you...'
  'NO it is not!  And here is another smack for not calling me sir and another smack for your ignorance.  Now get in my car.  We are going to the station!'
  My uncle spent the whole night at the station with the officer, in a cell, where they shared a bottle of Burgundy red and watched several policemen try to eat a Chinese with chopsticks and fail.

They finally let him go in the morning.
  Now my uncle had two problems:
  1.  He was late for work...
  2.  And he had a dead body in his car.
  My uncle had to literally run to work.
  He turned up ten minutes late.
  His manager was not impressed.
  'Do you know how many people out there in the world would love to have your job?' he said.
  'I am so sorry sir I will get my bucket and broom at once!'
  The manager wasn't having it.
  He dragged my uncle aside and pushed him against a wall.
  'I shouldn't do this.  But I will.'
  The manager punched my uncle right in the gut.  'I guess you are thinking about suing me?  Go for it.  There are no witnesses and no one will listen to you, a janitor, with no money.  SO you will take it, right?'
  'Yes sir,' said my uncle, trying to get his breath back.
  'Good.  At least we understand each other.  You will do double shifts today.  I am also docking your wages for two days.  You speak against me and you'll be sacked, and find my boot up your backs side so fast Santa's home for Christmas!  Do you understand me?'
  'Yes sir.'

As my uncle was cleaning the toilets all he could think about was the dead body in his abandoned car.
  He had to get back to the damn thing!
  Anyone could find it!
  But he had to work double shifts?
  What was he to do?

That will have to wait for part 2...

New Game: Given 'em Hell!

My new game is ready to play!

You are promoted to manager of your office.

Your objective is to give your members of staff a really hard time!

You have three people working for you, Jim, Bob, and Phil, each one will react differently to your decisions.

HINT:

Drink lots of whiskey at the beginning!

You will need the help of your imaginary friend Billy!

Play Given 'em Hell

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A scream in the night - the Owl Man strikes again?

I feel like I am involved in a living nightmare that will not end.

He was in the window.
I was beyond scared!

I saw it - this looming shadowy shape:
By the way it was just standing there I could see it contained some kind of darkness.
It was sinister - and horrible.
You could see no eyes but I knew it was watching.
How long had it been there?

I moved to another room.
Anywhere away from its great dark shape.
As large and terrible as the creature looked why did it not try to enter?
Surely it could have broken through the window if that was its intention?
But it did not?
But then why was it there why was it watching me?

By the time morning arrived there were no signs that the creature had been there.
I opened the window and checked.  I looked for anything, claw marks, but there was nothing.

Of course then doubt started to set in.
I must have dreamed it the shadowy shape, right?

But then the night came in again, as it's doomed to do,
and outside in the dark I heard a sound.

An ear splitting screech!

I climbed towards the window.
Nothing is out there.
But I feel no relief.
That sound was made by no normal animal that exists on the earth.

It can only be him:
The Owl Man.

What does he want?

==============
Poem about dreams:

The mare steals dreams,
One must think hard, doubly hard,
and hold onto what is yours,
For your dreams are the most wonderful things,
and they are yours.

Resist the mare - forget his stare -
Do not let his deep eyes look into your brain,
For when he is inside those caverns he is hard to drive out.
And he will take your dreams
In bags of gold,
And swim away into the night.

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Further signs of the Owl Man...

I am not comfortable speaking about this...   But it must be said.

I  have seen him again!!

I recognise him anywhere.

A great dark shadow standing in front of the light of the world.

I knew I should never have taken the shortcut.

It was a foolish decision on my behalf.

And every fool on the earth must pay a price -
my price would be unbridled terror.

For I heard its screech at first - it was the foulest most terrible thing you can imagine.

The vile sound turned the blood cold: drove your mind insane!

And then I heard branches snapping as this vast shape started to move my way.

I knew something foul was on me so I picked up my pace.

I saw red lights flashed in the dark - I heard the screech again, and heavy breathing - and then another terrible sound, like a great blast of air - and the branches of the trees shook and leaves flew up all around me so it became more than difficult to see where I was going.

I ran madly, in any direction.

Anywhere that was free of the sight of its shadowy shape.

Then I found the Church, and shelter for the night.

I did not see that thing again.

 But I know it is out there, in the forests.

It is powerful and it is at large...

If you ever see a man standing in a tree DO NOT trust him.

He is your enemy.

Always remember this in your heart.

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Never trust a man who looks like an owl...

I fear not the hobgoblins, sneaking in the glades...
  I ignore the whisper of the haunted trees.
  I know their lies from old, experience has made me wise.
  I know the spirits that live in the roots, that drink up the water, dry up the life, sink into the wood, and speak through the branches and leaves in evil tongues.
  I know their ways.
  I am old.
  Experience has made me this way.
  I am no stranger to the dark.
  I have seen the mare charging through the night.
  I have seen the eyes gleaming in the firelight.
  Green eyes, watching me.
  Music helps keep it at bay, but it knows me and knows my way.
  I do not fear the goblins, or the whispering of the trees.
  In the deepest part of the forest, you find none of these.
  Because like me they know not to go there...
  Like me they fear the Owl Man.
  The Owl Man...
  The Owl Man...
  They know where he lives, where he sleeps at day,
  They know where he stalks at night and keep well away.
  Up in the trees he fills the air with a screech that's hard to bear, he calls up the spirit folk, and speaks in many tongues.
  He haunts our dreams at night, and he is talked of in many songs.

  Do not trust the owl man!
  He will give you sweets, and speak sweetly.  He will offer promises, and speak to you in poetry.
  Do not trust the owl man...

His eyes are vast like moons,
He watches you in dunes,
In dreams,
In worlds made of a thousand thoughts.
He lives in trees,
He lives in our hopes,
But at nighttime you are sure to be caught.
For the night is his domain,
And you are a fool should you remain,
On the open road at night.

He will sail over you, a vast cloud of doom,
Darker than night,
Fear him!
The owl man!
He is no friend.
Ignore his words and fear his eyes...

Should you ever see a man standing on a branch,
In the middle of the woodland glade,
Fear him, fear him!
Fear the Owl man!
Flee if you can!  Don't get caught in a trance!

Get away from the woods...
Seek your homes...
Lock your doors and windows...
Because he knows,
Lord of dreams,
The wild ways of the human mind.


Put light to the shadows.
Turn away not from the dark...
And pray for morning rise,
To wipe away the lies,
Of the Owl Man's power -
For he is the Lord of Dreams.



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Prepare yourself for an Elfin adventure across the magical lands of yore.

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Drunk on water?

I once knew a man from Leeds

Who used to deal in seeds...

Poppy seeds don't you know?

He told me he had a problem with water. 
  I felt so sad for the fellow.
  'Every time I drink water,' he said, 'I always get stone drunk.    It's so awful!'
  I said to him, 'That is so awful.  How do you get by without drinking water?'
  He looked so forlorn.
  'It is a struggle,' he replied.  'A desperate daily struggle, a struggle where I suffer very badly.  What I do is, whenever I need to drink, I mix my water with cockney tea blend.  It tastes strange, and makes my head go all weird, but it works and it is the only way I can drink water.
  The other day, at work, while at a meeting someone got me some water from the dispenser unit.  I drank the water because I didn't want anyone to think I was being rude.  I got so drunk and made a fool out of myself.  It was awful.  I danced around on the desk and my manager was outraged.  I tried to explain my situation but he thought I was lying, and he sacked me there and then for drunken misconduct...
  'It was a sad moment for me because I worked so hard to get that job.
  'Now I am a washer man - but whenever I get a drop of water in my mouth I get drunk and end up getting into fights with people.'

I felt I needed to help this person out.
  So I did some research. 
  And after some time I discovered this strange ancient Shamanistic method for removing Drunk Water Disease.
 
One day we decided to carry out the Shamanistic method.
  It was going to be a day of cleansing.
  So we sat out in a forest, and I read the ancient words, and blew honey dew leaves through a fire. 
  My friend inhaled the honey dew and already I saw a change come over him.
  He started to speak:
  'I feel...
  'I feel!
  'I feel happy!  Happy happy Hippo!'
  And then I watched with my own eyes as my friend transformed into a great big fat old hippo!
  Ha Ha!
  What  a sight it was!
  'I am going off to find my friends now,' said the Hippo.
  And he plodded away to a zoo.
  So he was a hippo all along, eh?
  That explains a few things.
  Now my friend could relax in a swamp with all the other big hippos, and get a drunk as he wanted because he didn't have to work anymore!

THE END!!!

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Almost a dinosaur

Ha ha!

Amazing!

Prehistoric beasts roaming the earth.  Imagine being stuck in a jungle.  Your plane crashes and your trapped in this place, all alone, armed with nothing but your wits.

Because that is all that you have got in, the deep jungle.

It is like a whole new world to you.  Everything in this new dimension wants to kill you -

the plants

the insects

the reptiles

Everything is after your blood.

It is a foul thing.

But your worst enemy will always be yourself.

Panic you lose your wits, and then you die. 

But there are times where it really doesn't matter how skilled you are - when you are taken out of your chosen environment you drop to the bottom of the food chain - and then survival is more about luck, than skill.

Because there is something out there in the forests.

It's bigger and badder than you.

And nothing will hold it off.

And once its got you,  it's game over, and your elements will join with the dense living underground of the underworld - that vast jungle where man has no influence and no power.

IN the jungle all is as dark as night.

For in that place there are creatures who breathed air before man, vast monsters who care not for the rule of man. 

This is there domain -

They survived the thing that killed the dinosaurs - and they will rule in the dark forests long after man has sunk under the the shadowy mountain of fate.

15 foot crocodile

---------------------

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Living Ghosts

You can always have a  laugh at ghosts stories...

Are they real...

Are they fake...

You can film them and everyone will just say - "Great special effects son!  Did you do that on Windows Film Maker!"

It's crazy crazy stuff...

But then there is the strange world of the sea...

O yes!

The sea is the strangest place of them all!

The last great mystery!

Who knows what is going on in that beautiful and deadly place.

And I don't mind not to know either.

I prefer the deep gloomy depths of the inner world to remain as dark and out of bounds as the confines of a madman's mind...

Living ghosts...

PS

New game in the works

Elfin Quest...

the more upbeat sequel to Witches Brew!!!!

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Witches Brew !! New interactive story game...

Enjoy my interactive story...

Witches Brew game

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