The 1st time my uncle got himself arrested! (part 1)

This is the story about the first time my uncle got arrested.

He has been arrested many times, since.
But this was his first time.

My dear old uncle Clyde is very accident prone...
He's a kind person.
Tries to do right, but no matter the situation he always messes it up.
On this occasion he messed things up very badly indeed.
And all he wanted was to be helpful!

Poor fool...

He was working as a janitor for Wilkinson's at the time, this was four weeks after being sacked from Tesco's where he had worked fort eight years as a floor sweeper:

He had dropped his bucket onto a customers foot...

Clyde was driving home, minding his own business.  It was nine in in the evening, winter, dark, and in the flash of the car light he saw a fellow stranded on the side of the road and frantically waving his arms for help.  It appeared that their car had crashed into a bank and there was oil spilling out everywhere!
  He was a stranger by my uncle was still up and willing to help!
  It was his way.
  My uncle stopped his car and stepped out an asked what the problem was.
  'Just crashed me old car,' said the stranger.
  'I can see that,' my uncle replied.
  'I don't suppose you could help us out could you?  It would be great, mate, if you could.  I just don't know what to do!'
  'Are you with the RAC AA?'
  'No mate I don't do that sort of thing!'
  'I will call the police!'
  'No mate!  Don't do that!  I don't want the police involved in this.  This is a private matter, mate.  Private!  And private means no police, like!  I just don't want those police sticking their noses into my business!'
  'Well,' said my uncle, 'I don't know what to suggest.'
  'I don't suppose you know a mechanic?'
  'No.  Do you?'
  'Are you a mechanic?'
  'I am a janitor.  Formerly a floor sweeper of Tesco.  I have been demoted.'
  'Sorry to hear about that, mate. Look.  I need help here.  I don't suppose I could use your car?'
  '...I can give you a lift...'
  'I need somewhere to stay?  Hey!  I have an idea!  Why not let me stay with you!  That sounds like a great idea!'
  'Well I don;t know...'
  'How about one day?  How does that sound son?  I stay at yours for one day!  Come on man!  Where's your charitable spirit?  We are all brothers of the road here!  We've got to help each other  out!'
  My uncle agreed to help.
  You can stay for one day!
  That's all.

Back home and the stranger made himself nice and comfortable.
  My uncle was amazed to see this!
  The stranger just walked in, grabbed a can and spread himself out on the sofa.
  'Cheers mate!'
  My uncle was in despair!
  How had he gotten himself into this utterly mad situation?!?!
  My uncle said he had to get up early for work.
  'Good for you mate,' said the stranger.
  'What's your name?'
  He was called Edward Price.
  He didn't ask for my uncles name.
  He didn't care.
  He was too busy rubbing his dirty boots on the arm of the sofa.
  Just then there was a knock on the door.
  Edward jumped behind the sofa.
  'Tell them I'm not here!' he screamed.
  MY uncle opened the door.
  It was the police!
  'We're looking for a man called Edward Price.  Seen him?  Here's a picture of him.'
  My uncle said he had never seen the man before.
  He was a loyal fool.
  'Let us know if you do,' said the police officer.  'He's dangerous and wanted!'
  They left.
  Edward emerged from his hiding place patted my uncle on the shoulder.
  'Good man!' he said.  'You and I are like brothers!'
  'I... don't know about that...'
  There was another knock!
  Edward retook his position behind the sofa as my uncle opened the door.
  This time it was two large brutes!
  They were big lads!
  Not the kind of guys you wanted to mess with!
  'Can I help you gentleman?'
  One of them spoke.  'We want to look behind your sofa!'
  What?
  'Not so fast!'
  It was Edward!
  He was holding a Berretta 9mm at the two thugs.  'You won't get me this time!' he cried.
  He shot one of the men dead.
  The other thug fled into the dark, barely escaping...
  Edward fired two more shots, then turned to my uncle!
  'Get into the car mate!  They'll be back with more lads before you know it, and then we will have a war on our hands!'
  'A war???!!!!'
  My uncle couldn't believe what was happening.
  I don't think anyone in his situation would either.
  'Get in the car!' Edward screamed.
  Not feeling in the mood to argue with an armed man my uncle got back into the car.
  Edward sat at the back, and placed the guns muzzle at my uncles temple.
  'Stay calm mate,' he said.  'Just drive!'
  'Drive where?'
  'Anywhere!  Just keep going otherwise those lads are going to find us again!'
  So my uncle turned the car on and drove.
  Edward said my uncle was a good guy, and then added, ominously, 'But I will shoot you if I have to.'
  They drove along quietly for a while.
  My uncle was tired.
  He was hoping he was going to wake up from this nightmare soon.
  'I've got a six o clock shift you know?  Those toilets won't clean themselves you know?'
  'Keep those lips from moving,' said the madman Edward.  'Remember who has the gun!'
  Just then another car pulled up.
  My uncle saw it steer into view from his right screen window.
  A dark beetle, black against the night.
  'I can walk to work if you just want to steal my car,' said my uncle to his captor.
  'Silence boy!' Edward screamed.  'You and are brothers in this war.  We are in cahoots.  We need each other to survive against the dark forces.  If things are going to end in a blaze of glory then let us go out together.  You and I!  To the end brother!'
  O no!
  The drivers in the black car behind pulled down their windows and started shooting.
  Bullets were ringing around everywhere!
  Edward wound down his window and fired back.
  'Go em!' he cried.  'Those Russians won't get me!'
  Russians????
  'Yeah!,' Edward replied.  'Russians gangsters.  Been tracking me for the last few months!'
  Good lord!
  'There are a few more turning up!  Keep driving lad, and I will keep firing.
  My uncles car sparkled with bullets!
  It might have looked nice, in a movie, or somewhere else.
  This is a living nightmare!
  'Did I tell you I start work at six in the morning????'
  But Edward didn't car.
  He just kept firing.
  He was actually quite a good shot!
  'This isn't your first gunfight is it?'
  'NO,' Edward replied.  'I am fighting a war remember!'
  Great.
  The Russian cars disappeared from view.
  Thank goodness!
  'Pull over!' Edward cried.
  My uncle obeyed.
  'I've been shot!' said Edward.  'I am bleeding out man!  I won't last the night!'
  'I'll call the ambulance!'
  'No son!  Don't do that.  No ambulance!  No police.  I want to keep this private, remember?'
  'Yeah.  Sure.'
  'Listen.  Take this.'
  He stuffed several paper packages into my uncles hands.
  Edward said they were drugs.  'Take care of them!'
  'I don't want them!'
  'Just take them!' Edward cried in pain.  'This is all I am worth!  My legacy!  Sell them if needs be!  Make some dough for yourself.  You deserve it!'
  No!
  'Better put the fuel on son!  I hear police!'
  Edward died there and then.
  My uncle was in despair, again.
  What was he to do?
  'What the heck am I going to do!?'
  I think in every human brain there is this little thing - this little cell - and it kicks into action in a crises and makes rational (by that I mean boring) people do crazy things!
  And so my uncle did a crazy thing.
  He got the dead body of Edward and bundled his corpse into the boot of the car!
  There was blood everywhere it was crazy.
  Just then the dark road lit up yellow and blue.
  The police were there in force.
  A police officer slowly got out of his car and casually strolled over.
  'Let me see some ID citizen,' he said.
  'I don't have any on me right now officer,' said my uncle.
  The police officer chuckled.
  'Don't worry son I just like to say that to scar people,' he said.
  'That's very good officer.'
  'Indeed.  Anyway.  I need to ask you some questions.  Are you ready?'
  'I guess.'
  'Good!  Now are you aware that this road has just been turned into a warzone?'
  'Ah... no...?'
  'What?' the officer exclaimed.  'You mean you didn't hear all the crazy explosions?'
  'Very very bad hearing...'
  The officer smacked my uncle round the face.
  'You refer to me as sir, do you hear, son?'
  'Sorry sir.  Yes sir.  I didn't hear all the gun-firing and explosions, sir.'
  'Good man!  Shame you didn't hear the explosions.  Damn Russians!  At it again!'
  'This sort of thing happens regularly, sir?'
  'Indeed my man.  Regularly!  Every other day.  There's a war going on, don't you know son?'
  'NO sir.  But I do know now, sir.'
  'Have you seen anything suspicious tonight?'
  'Not really sir.  Saw a...  wagtail, in a tree, and they are usually asleep at this time of day.  Like I should be, sleeping and getting ready for work!'
  The police officer slapped my uncle again across the face again.  'Are you disrespecting me boy?  Are you saying you would rather be in bed, getting ready for work, than helping me solve this terrible crime?'
  'NO!  NO not at all!'
  The police officer smacked my uncle for a third time, then adjusted his tie.  'Good!  And you forgot to call me sir,  that was what the last smack  was for.'
  'Sorry sir.'
  My uncle bowed his head.
  'What's all this red stuff up and down you?'
  'O...That's just some wine I spilled before I set out on my peaceful enjoyable evening drive.  I wasn't careful, sir.  It was a good wine!'
  'The wine is all over you!  Don't you know how to drink properly?'
  'Obviously not, sir.'
  'We can remedy this!  Follow me back to the station and I will teach you the best way to enjoy wine before an evening drive!'
  'I'd rather not sir.  If it's okay with you...'
  'NO it is not!  And here is another smack for not calling me sir and another smack for your ignorance.  Now get in my car.  We are going to the station!'
  My uncle spent the whole night at the station with the officer, in a cell, where they shared a bottle of Burgundy red and watched several policemen try to eat a Chinese with chopsticks and fail.

They finally let him go in the morning.
  Now my uncle had two problems:
  1.  He was late for work...
  2.  And he had a dead body in his car.
  My uncle had to literally run to work.
  He turned up ten minutes late.
  His manager was not impressed.
  'Do you know how many people out there in the world would love to have your job?' he said.
  'I am so sorry sir I will get my bucket and broom at once!'
  The manager wasn't having it.
  He dragged my uncle aside and pushed him against a wall.
  'I shouldn't do this.  But I will.'
  The manager punched my uncle right in the gut.  'I guess you are thinking about suing me?  Go for it.  There are no witnesses and no one will listen to you, a janitor, with no money.  SO you will take it, right?'
  'Yes sir,' said my uncle, trying to get his breath back.
  'Good.  At least we understand each other.  You will do double shifts today.  I am also docking your wages for two days.  You speak against me and you'll be sacked, and find my boot up your backs side so fast Santa's home for Christmas!  Do you understand me?'
  'Yes sir.'

As my uncle was cleaning the toilets all he could think about was the dead body in his abandoned car.
  He had to get back to the damn thing!
  Anyone could find it!
  But he had to work double shifts?
  What was he to do?

That will have to wait for part 2...