Of Rabbits and Men
Most men in town seek work. Most men in town see drink - shelter - food...
A life.
But there was one man who sought none of this...
The only thing he wanted was paper...
Why?
He wanted paper because he wanted something to nibble on...
This man was called Ben.
He was thirty years old as of the year of our lord 2025, and he slept in the back yard among the cabbages.
His parents couldn't have him in the house anymore...
His father hated him. His mother loathed him. His brother despised him, and his sister feared him...
Why was Ben the bane of his family?
It was because Ben truly believed in his heart that he was a rabbit.
It was because Ben truly believed in his heart that he was a rabbit.
TRULY.
NO joke.
NO acting was going on - Ben really thought he was a bunny.
And it wasn't funny!
He lost everything.
From the day he was cranked into the world by his mother it was obvious that Ben was not a normal boy. From the moment he could engage his limbs he began adopting bizarre animalistic traits. He would bounce about the house where he lived, bounce like a beast... or maybe like a rabbit?
When Ben learned how to speak he would say strange things to his folks...
He used to tell his people that he could understand the language of rabbits, that he could speak to rabbits and that rabbits made more sense to him as living beings than actual human beings. 'I feel a deep connection with rabbits,' he said one day to his folks. Ben wasn't being funny. He meant it with all his heart. He meant it like the trees mean it when their branches sway in the breeze...
His folks were shocked - horrified. They did not know what to say or what to do.
What could they do?
Their son and heir behaved like a rabbit and that was that.
And they were stuck with him because he was there son.
Stories of Ben and his outlandish animalistic antics started to spread. Ben grew to become deeply unpopular with the locals living in town.
There were protests. People started ganging together: "Arrest the rabbit man!" they would say. "Lock him up with the other beasts!"
When Ben reached adulthood he was the talk on every lip...
Why is he unemployed?
What does he do for a living?
Why hasn't he grown out of these strange rabbit-like ways?
He is an adult he needs to take responsibility!
Would you employ him? Would you give him a job?
Employ a rabbit? No way! Call the RSPCA that's what I say!
Employ a rabbit? No way! Call the RSPCA that's what I say!
A couple of local lads were in the pub watching the game - Cardiff V Dublin - but all of the talk was about the rabbit man.
The talk ran like this:
Old Man: I am hedging my bets on Cardiff.
Even Older Man: Best team in the world!
Old Man: I want to enjoy my pint and the game... I really do... But I can't stop thinking about that awful man who lives up the road...
Even Older Man: Do you mean that odd chap who can't stopping acting like an old rabbit?
Old Man: The very one!
Even Older Man: He is an odd eh?
Old Man: To odd for even the average odd and definitely too odd for my liking.
Even Older Man: He is a bizarre rabbit-like man indeed.
Old Man: I hear you. I just don't like it. This is a strange town and I have seen a lot of strange things but this rabbit-man it's just too much. Something has to be done about it. Men can't go round acting like that! No sir. A man has got to roll up his sleeves and work. A man like that is a burden to his parents. No parent wants to give birth to a burden. A child is supposed to provide, help the family to grow. How can a child contribute anything to the family when they sleep among cabbages and eat grass? No sir. Something has got to be done. He needs shaping up that boy. He needs putting into the army. Discipline, that is what is lacking in that boys life. You would not have seen such things as this, people acting like rabbits, no not in my day. In my day times were hard. You knew your place. My grandfather was part of the resistance during the war and he was not afraid to use his fists. I will admit there was a little portion of my life where I thought I was a squirrel, but my grandfather beat that nonsense out of me clean. And that is why now as a man I don't mind getting myself all dirty fishing for crabs.
Even Older Man: Fancy a smoke?
Old Man: I think so. I need one to calm my nerves, thanks. Thinking about that rabbit-like man gets me all worked up.
And so ended the conversation between the two old men...
***
Ben was not the only man who believed that he was a beast of the wild.
There used to be a man called Jim Lo who thought himself a hippo.
Governor Krogar had a scheme for men like this... "Arrest them and make them disappear."
Krogar's strategy was simple: setup a crime scene and frame the individual he wanted gone.
And that is what happened to Jim Lo - the hippo, and now Krogar wanted the same thing to happen to Ben.
Everything was fine as long as Ben kept quiet... But Ben didn't help himself.
His rabbit-like ways were steadfastly getting out of control!
He started jumping on people...
One unfortunate day, while feasting on hay, Ben went crazy and started jumping on random people. One of those people he bounced on was none other than Diane Heathrow, an retired school teacher and well liked by all. She fell unconscious after Ben jumped on her. It was a terrible scene. Diane turned out to be completely fine in the end, but the police planted the seed and spread the word. In all the papers and all the other nooks and crannies where people sit and read the word was that Diane had been murdered by the rabbit man.
The next day Ben was arrested, taken to a cell and interrogated by Krogar's right hand man, the ruthless Constable Maddox.
And so the interrogation of Ben began with gusto and glee, with Maddox leading the charge. This is how the talk flowed:
Maddox: You know what this is about don't you Ben? You have been acting too much like a rabbit haven't you?
Ben: But I... I am a rabbit...
Maddox: I would like you to read this report. It concerns your recent rabbit-like behaviour.
(Ben takes the report and starts nibbling on it!)
Ben: Mmmm thank you! I love paper! It is my favourite food, alongside grass and moss of course!
Maddox: Would you like a cup of water?
Ben: No thank you. I drink water from the dew in grass and moss...
Maddox: Would you like a smoke?
Ben: Yes please! (Ben eats the smoke!) Mmmm tastes like paper! Thank you!
Maddox: You have got to stop acting like this - Ben. You have got quite the reputation in town, and not of the good kind either. The thing is, Ben, I actually do like you. NO. What I meant to say is I respect you. You are a man who knows what he wants to be in life. You want to be a rabbit, and you are not afraid to be a rabbit either. You are not ashamed or embarrassed to make a fool of yourself in public. There are some people out there that might even call you courageous. These days it is hard to be what you want to be. There is so much against you. People living in town they want everything to be nice and smooth. They don't like anything that affects business. In Fenwick people like people who roll up their sleeves and work. That is how it is and has always has been in this town. This town stands on the shoulders of farmers, fishermen and warriors. There are still veterans of the Second World War living out there in the various corners of town and they pass down their knowledge of the hard times - they keep the old ways alive. They don't like to see people lounging about and acting like fools. It's not the Fenwick way. So when people see you frolicking around like a fool people take offence to it. Real bad offence in fact. I will be honest with you Ben, there are people in this town who want you gone. In the old days we would have shipped you to the UK, but the new governor has a new way of dealing with things. He wants me to make you disappear - and when I say disappear I mean I make a phone call to the RSPCA and they put you down as one very large and sick rabbit - which they will do. They did it before to a man who proclaimed to be a hippo. They will snuff out a sick rabbit in a heartbeat. I don't want that to happen to you, Ben. Help me help you. Confess to the murder of Diane Heathrow and you will spend seven years in a prison cell and I will make sure you are okay. I will look after you. I will make sure none of the lads gang up on you. You will be safe. All that you have to do is make a little confession - sign this paper... NO! Don't eat it! Sign it. That's right... sign just here on the line. It is for the best, Ben. Once you are in a prison cell no one will be able to trouble you ever again. And guess what the best thing is? You can carry on pretending you are a rabbit and no one will know or say anything about it. You will be free.
Ben: Pretend to be a rabbit? But I am a rabbit! A real rabbit!
Maddox: Stop it Ben! I am trying to help you here!
Ben: The rabbits will save me! You will never take me... There are rabbits out there... Rabbits in spaceships! Rabbits from beyond the deepest reaches of space!
Just then the power turned off! When the power came back on Ben was gone. His chair where he was sitting was now completely empty - and the door leading back outside was now fully open. Panicking and very much afraid Maddox rushed out through the door and out into the courtyard to just catch in time a glimpse of a saucer-shaped flying object disappearing into the sky...
There was an officer standing nearby. Maddox turned and said to him:
'Don't say anything about this to anybody, do you hear me?'
'Don't you worry mate! I ain't saying anything!' he replied with a weak and quivering voice. 'But I tell you what I am going to do - I am going to stop drinking washing conditioner that is for certain!'
THE END
(Remember! All spelling errors and grammatical mistakes are intentional - the author 😆)
For more adventures set in the town of Fenwick check out:
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