The party was on and Freddy was there ready to do what he had to do.
The original plan was for Freddy to pretend to be drunk.
BUT - because Freddy could not act his way out of a teabag he decided to just get drunk in real life, something that was easy for him to do, and wait for the guests to leave so he could steal the dregs from their unfinished cups.
It was a lively night full of lively folk. The first of 2026 was three days old and people were mainly talking about how they celebrated the arrival of the New Year...
'Well I celebrated the arrival of the New Year in my usual fashion by climbing up a chimney!'
This was Phil talking. Phil was an old boy and one of Franks cronies in the brewery industry and boy did the old boy like talking my golly gosh! He could talk for England and half of Wales too!
'Climbing a chimney, hey? What's that all about?' said Jo another one of Franks cronies.
'The climbing of the chimney on New Years day is an old tradition that stems back five generations. In Ireland its called Leprechauns Luck,' Phil explained.
Everyone asked Phil to speak more about Leprechauns Luck because nobody in the room had ever heard about it before.
So Phil explained the odd ritual to his friends:
'So here it is. You take a glass of whiskey, Irish obviously, in your right hand, and with your left hand you climb up a chimney. Once you get up on the roof you slide down to the ground without spilling your drink! When you land on your feet you drown your whiskey in one go. That part is important. ONE GO! And if you are still standing at the end of it that means you are going to have a good year! Every year since my dear old mother cranked me out into the world I have been playing Leprechauns Luck - yep! I used to fancy my chances climbing chimneys even as a babe in arms! Babies were stronger back in the old days than they are now. They had to be because of the war. IN 1942 after the occupation most boys were fighting from the age of four. The thinking was that if Hitler can recruit children from the age of nine, we will beat him to the punch and recruit children the moment they can begin to walk! Ruthless but necessary. The Third Rheich had twelve million men armed and we Fenwickians had twelve people armed so we needed the numbers. Babies had to learn to fight like the adults. It was the only way to win back our beloved freedom.'
'So are you going to have a good year then?' said Jo.
'No. I spilt my drink halfway up the chimney,' Phil replied. 'It doesn't matter! I still had a lot of fun!'
That was when Vincent wheeled himself into the room.
He had been listening to the conversation and he wanted to say his piece on the matter:
'I would love to climb a chimney,' he said. 'But well...my legs wouldn't agree with such things.'
'Don't be silly!' Phil replied. 'There is a way to do anything these days. We will find a way to get you up a chimney!'
'I once read a book about a horse that liked to climb chimneys. It was called Aradas I think... written by a a really weird guy... Can't remember his name,' said Jo pensively.
'Never heard of such a book,' said Phil bluntly.
'Not many people have,' Jo replied solemnly. 'I think I might be the only person who has ever read it!'
Among the guests was a finely dressed gentleman by the name of Simian Farquhar.
Now Simian was old school and of aristocratic breeding. He owned several factories, a dock and he was Franks partner in the brewery business. He had been standing there all night listening to all this talk about chimneys and horses and leprechauns and felt that there was a need to change the topic of conversation and so that is what he did.
'Annie and I stayed in a hotel in Hampshire last week. What a lovely part of the country that is, very green and very fine full of flowing meadows and gentle country lanes! Marvellous!' he said. 'One fine morning I took my bitch for a walk across the fields!'
Freddy, who had been drinking quietly up until that moment felt like he had to stand up and say something about Simians manner of language.
'Excuse me Mr Farquhar,' he said gently. 'I know you grew up in the old days, but with respect this is the year 2026 and you just can't talk about women like that anymore.'
'I was talking about Sally, a thoroughbred greyhound who follows me everywhere! How dare you!' Simian returned aggressively.
'O! I do apologise. I...I didn't realise you were talking about a dog,' Freddy replied meekly.
'No? Really?' Simian came back at Freddy hotly. 'But then boys of YOUR generation realise so little!' he continued speaking in a demeaning way. 'My father fought in the war! And who are you boy? Who do you think you are to speak to me? Frank! Frank!' Simian called his friend over. 'Who is this boy you keep in your company? I do not recognise him from past gatherings?'
Frank explained that Freddy was new to the business and a very good friend.
But Simian had been offended and he didn't want to let it drop.
Simian was a great hefty man, well bred and well fed and the kind of man who hunted his food in the forests like his ancestors who served in the court of Henry the VIII. He was the kind of man who could tackle a boar, tusks and all. He ploughed his way through the crowds of people towards the bar and poured himself a good sized glass of Irish Whiskey before turning back round to face Freddy again.
He came charging back pointing a finger and started hurling insults directly at the man.
'Men of your generation are a disgrace!' he bellowed. 'What do they call your sort these days?' he said to Freddy. 'Gen Z is it? Zoomer! You bloody Zoomer! I don't like any of or your kind. You Zoomers think that you know it all! Ha! You know nothing I tell you nothing! You are just a boy! All of you Zoomers are boys! What do you know about hard work? I bet you have never worked a single day in your life have you? Bedridden video game addicted vermin the lot of you that is what you are! What kind of world will you inherit when the time comes eh? What is your plan when your pathetic loser generation finally takes over?'
'Well actually I am forty years old and I run a funeral business,' said Freddy politely.
For some reason this response enraged Simian even further that the great man finally raised a fist! But before he could take the shot Frank stepped in front of him and started trying to calm the country-bred man down.
'Freddy is good. He is one of us,' said Frank in a pleasant manner. 'He saved the business. Helped us beat the Brazilians in the war. You need to pipe down Simian and show him a little of respect. If you keep carrying on like this then I will have to throw you out! Are you listening?'
'Yes! Sorry Frank. It's the whiskey! I say again I am sorry. But I am not going to apologise to that sly Zoomer. NO sir! That won't be happening not even if you paid me! I am going to go for a walk instead.'
'Sounds like a good idea, Simian. Calm down and then come back when you are ready. Remember, there are more free drinks to enjoy!'
'You are a good sort, Frank. I will see you in a minute.'
And it was literally a minute before Simian returned - ready for a second crack at Freddy!
Simian glugged his second glass of Irish before turning slowly round and returning to face Freddy again.
Freddy tried avoiding the great man by walking away, but with a few large strides Simian managed to back the weak middle-aged man into a corner.
There was to be no escape for Freddy from this crazy drunk person...
So Simian started his new barrage of insults for Freddy starting thus:
'By the time I was your age I had fought in battles and seen the world! Do you have a wife, Freddy? Or are you one of those miserable loner loser fools. You have the look of a loner loser Freddy boy.'
'Well actually I do have a wife and we are are recently divorced.'
When Simian heard this he laughed in Freddy's face. When he had finished he said this:
'Let me guess. This woman you were supposedly married to - she was a figment of your imagination, right? Or was she a character in one of your stupid video games?'
'No! She was real! We met in Thailand!' said Freddy.
Simian made a O shape with his mouth and continued with the insults saying, 'Thailand hey? Got any pictures to prove it?'
Freddy dug out one of the pictures of him and Bolly during the wedding, the one where she was holding him lovingly with both hands around his throat and looking like she was going to bite him, when really she was going to give him a tender kiss... of course...
'I may be old school but I know a picture that has been photoshopped when I see one,' said Simian.
Freddy asked Simian what he meant by this because the picture was genuinely genuine. Freddy grew up using Amiga 1200's and couldn't photoshoot a bee in a photo of a beehive.
Simian continued:
'The woman in that picture. I have seen her loads of times before when my wife wasn't around. She is a model. There are pictures of her everywhere on the internet posing with that big Brazilian guy, you know the one who disappeared a week ago? So you are single now, eh?'
'Yes.'
'I knew so! So you have only got one woman to your name, hey loser Zoomer?' and Simian laughed with his whiskey laced breath in Freddy's face. 'I thought so. Loser! I have had loads of women in my day but then I wasn't called Freddy, hey!? Freddy!? What a stupid name you have. Boy. A stupid name for a stupid boy. Boy. Freddy boy. Freddy. Loser Zoomer. Freddy plays his video games while Freddy lets his wife play with other men.'
Now listen to this.
Freddy was not a fighter.
Freddy was used to being insulted by stronger men. He could absorb insults like a blob that can absorb matter. In fact in another universe he might have actually been a blob and who knows earned himself a little bit of success (and maybe some respect and dignity) staring alongside Steve McQueen in a movie with the same name.
But in the present universe Freddy was a soft and weak man who accepted that he was the plaything of the stronger men...
Until that day came.
On that day things changed.
Like I explained Freddy could take harsh words like a bat can take a ball, but when people talked dirty about his beloved and beautiful Bolly well now that was a different matter.
This is what Freddy said:
'Listen, Simian Farquhar! My friend Vincent over there may be dead from the waist down but at least he has dignity. But you on the other hand? You wear your sins on your sleeve: disgusting and dirty for all to see. Yeah. And my name is Freddy. Stupid name I know. But seriously who calls their child Simian Fat Twat? You are dumb, you are stupid, you are out of shape out of fashion out of time. Now sod off! Go crawling back to your bitch Sally and the lonely fields you walking in. Dog!'
'I want to fight you Freddy! Outside now!' Simian started rolling up his sleeves. 'Let us do this. Fist on fist. Man against man! Winner takes all. And the last man I fought I broke his jaw!'
'I am sick of this! Fine! I will fight you!' Freddy returned and then he started rolling up his sleeves as well.
It was up to Frank to intervene yet again.
Thankfully for Freddy he took Freddy's side, and with the help of a few others in the room Frank tackled the drunken toff to the ground and managed to roll him out of the door. Simian would not be welcome back to the King estate not for a long time!
'Not until he can learn some damn manners,' said Frank brushing himself down.
'Thank you for helping me Frank,' said Freddy.
'No problem Freddy,' said Frank. 'He was rude to you for no reason. He deserved putting in his place. You stood up for yourself. I am proud of you! I look at you as a friend and I hope you look at me in the same way.'
'You are a good friend Frank,' said Freddy.
And when the party was over Freddy repaid his good friend Frank by stealing all of his booze!
(Remember! All spelling errors and grammatical mistakes are intentional - the author 😆)
There is a prequel to this story. Check the link below if you would like to read it:
Jim's Subway part 1
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