The American flag was flying high and proud over that courtyard where the five men were standing waiting for duty...
The proud army of Fenwick was ready to defend her shores and her liberty from the enemy.
Five men. Brave men... hopefully... or at least very stupid both things are the same. But most importantly they were unknown men - which was a handy thing because it meant nobody was going to ever miss them if they got themselves killed - and the chances were very high that these men were going to die very soon.
These were their names:
Private Smith. 25. Never been out of his bedroom before. Didn't know what the army was. That was why he was in the army.
Private Harris. 35. Drunk. Suicidal. Looking for the chance to die. Chose to join the army hoping to remedy his suicide problem.
Private Timothy. 40. Bored. Thought it would be fun to join the army. Realising that the Fenwick army was only five men strong was probably sleeping in bed regretting the decision and presently looking for a way to escape the army...
Private Phillip. 95. Veteran of WW2 and an original member of the Fenwick Resistance task force against the Nazi occupiers during the 1941 invasion and German takeover of Fenwick. The occupation lasted right up to 1950 because the Germans got drunk and the Allies couldn't be bother to liberated the island and for a long time didn't actually know that Fenwick existed.
And then there was Private Jack and we all know about him - he might as well not even be there because he was beyond useless (and that is putting it mildly).
Wilkins stepped up to Jack and looked him up and down. 'I see your shoe laces are untied yet again, Private Jack? Explain please why this is so. You are in the army now for goodness sake! It's time to man up Jack and take responsibility.'
'Sorry sir...'
'So you should be, Private. Those shoe laces are a safety hazard. Don't you realise you could trip on them and break your neck? For goodness sake Private Jack! What's wrong with you? Don't you realise we are at war? In such situations as these health and safety are our primary concern!'
'Yes sir. I will make sure to tie them up in future drills sir! I will do it right now if you like...'
'No. We have more important things at hand, Private. Captain Jones wants to see you at headquarters. Better quick march there, Private! And don't trip on your shoe laces as you go!'
Private Jack gave a salute and marched his way over to the headquarters where the Captain was sitting waiting for him. The Captain was your typical nasty barking American soldier - the kind you have seen in all of the war movies.
'Stand to attention Private Jack!' the Captain yelled as soon as Jack entered the door. 'Are you ready to prove to the core what you are made of? Good! Now this is the situation: The Brazilians are going to attack but we don't know if the attack is coming from the North or the East... Intelligence tells us it will be to the North, but it could be a ruse like what the Allies pulled off during D Day. Ask Private Phillip. He was in World War 2.'
'Yes sir. But Private Phillip was stuck on Fenwick in WW2 and served the local resistance up until 1950... I know. He told me... My point being that he never saw D Day.'
'Are you talking back to me, Private?'
'No sir. Well, yes sir I guess I am. Sorry sir.'
'You better start showing some respect Private or we are not going to win this thing. And I want to win this thing, do you here? I want to win! There is no other option. AM I making myself clear Private?'
'Yes sir. Of course sir. But if you don't mind me adding sir I don't think our five lads are going to be able to do much against the Brazilians...'
'Get down and give me ten Private Jack! I won't have that kind of weak sissy talk in my army. We are not just fighting for Fenwick here we are fighting for the glory of the United State of America! Do you understand me, Private Jack? Give me ten! Right. I think you have had enough. Stand up and stand straight. You are in the American army now, Private. And the US Army knows only one thing and that is how to win...'
'O yes? What about Vietnam then?'
'Get down and give me another ten Private! I won't have that kind of negative talk not in front of me! This is the battlefield of Fenwick now and we are going to win this thing do you hear me Private Jack? I repeat do you hear me!'
'Yes sir!'
'Now get up! Brush yourself down. Straighten yourself up! Let's get back to business!' said the Captain harshly. The fierce man continued, 'We don't know where the Brazilians are going to attack,' he said. 'They could strike from the North. Maybe even the East. So I decided to send our jets out and bomb every town and village on the coast, even the ones where there has been no fighting just in case.'
'I bet a lot of people got killed...'
'This is war, Private. You need to buckle up. Now listen Private. Have you ever tasted action before?'
'What kind of action sir?'
'Battle.'
'Yes. I have been in battle - in a video game...'
'So you have experience! You are a credit to the core, Private Wilkins! That's why I want you to lead the task force and attack the enemy and take their base!'
'By task force you mean the five men standing outside in the courtyard? Shouldn't it be Wilkins leading the Task Force I mean he is above me in rank?'
'I have got reason to believe that Corporal Wilkins might be a spy for the Brazilians!'
When Jack heard this he couldn't help himself and he burst into laughter!
'I don't think so!' said Jack. 'I know Wilkins and he does not seem to be the kind of guy working as a spy! He is too polite!'
'Get down and give me ten Private!' shouted the Captain and Jack got down and reluctantly gave another ten. After that embarrassing moment was over the Captain got Jack to stand back up again. The Captain had something extremely important to say! 'Jack! Listen up! I am promoting you to Sergeant.'
Jack thought the Captain was joking.
...Turns out the Captain actually wasn't joking...
To bad for Jack...
'It is your responsibility to attack and bring down the enemy!' the Captain went on in his rolling hideous bark of a voice. 'The success of this war is now on your shoulders Sergeant Jack! I hope you are proud of that! The honour and the glory of this conflict in Fenwick is now yours to take!'
Jack was beyond confused and entirely baffled.
How did he ever get into such a stupendously awful mess?
All he ever wanted to do in life was play video games...
'Okay. I will do this. I guess I have no choice,' said the newly anointed Sergeant of the Fenwick army. 'But I do have a very serious question to ask. You want me to lead the men and attack the enemy? Right? You want me to take their base?'
'That's what I said.'
'Well where are they then? I mean - where are the Brazilians positioned right now?'
'There base is situated on an island somewhere.'
'And you don't know where the island is?'
'Do you have a problem with that Sergeant?'
'Well... Yes. How can we attack a place when we don't know where it is?'
'That is why I promoted you to Sergeant! It is your job now to find that information out for yourself. So you had better get to it. Find and defeat the enemy and take their base! We are counting on you Sergeant Jack.'
'Yes sir, of course sir! I will pop off and do that just now sir!'
'Never forget the glory, Sergeant Jack! We are going to win this! YOU are going to win!'
When Sergeant Jack returned to the courtyard he found that the five men, his army, the defenders of the honour of Fenwick, had all ran away.
Great start to things then...
The only one who remained was Corporal Wilkins. He walked up to Sergeant Jack and patted him on the shoulder. 'The men abandoned their positions,' he said. 'I couldn't stop them. We are fighting this war on our own now, just the two of us. It's almost poetic isn't it?'
POETIC??????????????
Jack didn't know what to say so he just shrugged his shoulders. 'Well things couldn't get any better, and certainly couldn't get any worse,' Jack replied. 'If I am honest at this point in my life I am just past caring!'
'I think we both need a drink,' said Corporal Wilkins and the two soldiers of the American Army went off to pay a visit to the local pub.
I mean why not?
They were on break after all!
(Remember! All spelling errors and grammatical mistakes are intentional - the author 😆)
(For Part 4 Click HERE).
(For more adventures set in the town of Fenwick Check out: IT HAPPENS AT NIGHT & JIM'S SUBWAY).
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