There she was across the road...
Bolly...
Freddy's love.
She was already partnered up with a new man by the look of things and her belly was swelling with signs of growing babe. As the couple walked the streets hand in hand the couple smiled at each other pausing momentarily to kiss. She walked right by Freddy like she had never met him before in her life. It broke Freddy's heart in three ways and then four.
But yes - it was the shocking size of the woman that shocked Freddy the most more so than the ease in which she had obtained a fresh partner.
She looked massive!
She was definitely pregnant.
Now Freddy got thinking about this. Such matters were probably not worth the effort, but he couldn't help himself. This was his wife, once, the love of his life. How did she become pregnant?
Freddy was a million percent certain that he was not the father as he and Bolly never slept together not once not even on their wedding day, and on the honeymoon Bolly insisted that Freddy sleep in the jungle alone with the snakes (they went on a trip to the Darién Gap).
The father couldn't possibly be the new man, Freddy never took any interest in biology at school (he was more interested in reading The Hobbit) but he was quite certain babies didn't grow that quickly...
So that meant that the baby had to belong to non other than Corta Boa Almoço the dreaded Brazilian warlord!
The very thought of Bolly carrying the seed of that dreadful monster of a man filled Freddy with such a deep and heavy depression that he walked back home and put a taut piece rope around his throat. He was seconds from kicking the stool away when he thought better of it, thinking: "No way! This is going to hurt too much! And what if I end up going to hell like my poor mate Mr McGregor!"
So instead he decided to do something equally as suicidal and depressing and start using a dating website.
It was time for Freddy to find love again with somebody new.
So Freddy booted up his laptop and switched on the dreaded website.
Ah! It was a sad business indeed...
At first he thought he had clicked on the wrong site and he was starring at clips of Peter Jacksons Lord of the Rings movie trilogy but when Freddy realised that these were actually women he was looking at and not orcs he took a deep breath and started to scroll through the varying profiles.
And scroll.
And scroll.
And scroll.
And as depressing as it must be to read those words again and again well that is how it was for Freddy on that website.
Finally he settled on someone:
Joanne. 46. Busty (which in layman's terms means fat). Unemployed. Two children.
Okay! So Freddy sent her a message.
Hi there! My name is Freddy. I am a nice guy. Let's meet up for drinks sometime and get to know each other better.
To Freddy's utter disbelief she responded!
Freddy almost fell off of his chair!
The other thing that shocked him was that she seemed rather keen about the business of meeting up.
He felt that there was something peculiar about her enthusiasm... But o well! Freddy suggested the Grill and Bar would be a fine and fun place to serve as their meeting ground and she agreed and so the date was set!
Marvellous!
The date was set for that evening, but an hour before they met Freddy did what he always did when going on a date and that was check out the toilets...
So he made his way over to the Grill and Bar and the first thing he did was check out the mens room. Why? Because he wanted to make sure they had a reachable window so that if the date was going badly he could excuse himself and then escape out of it.
The Grill and Bar had a window in its toilets. Beautiful. 'I think I can climb out of that thing if things go wrong,' Freddy said to himself.
Freddy didn't realise it but there was a gentleman in one of the cubicles and he said, 'You do realise that talking to yourself is a sign of madness?'
'Yes! And madness is a sign of genius,' Freddy replied sarcastically.
'And are you a genius?' said the man.
Freddy returned with an honest reply: 'No.'
And so came an end to that awkward conversation.
An hour later and Freddy was standing outside the Grill and Bar waiting for his date to arrive.
He stood their checking his watch - she's late! What if she doesn't turn up?
Just then a fat stinking swelling dirty man walked out of the Grill and Bar. Freddy almost bumped into him. Freddy apologised to the man and then said to him politely, 'I don't suppose you have seen a lady by the name of Joanne? It's just that we are supposed to be having a date this evening?'
And the man replied loudly, 'Idiot! I am Joanne!'
O BLOODY HELL!
Freddy was thrown into a wild panic.
He had never seen such a... manly looking lady before...??
'I have been waiting for you inside the bar for ages now!' she bellowed.
Freddy knew that he was in a bad situation - but he decided to do his duty as a man and see the date through - and then there was always that lovely window in the toilet to escape through! And so he took her great and beefy hand and led her back into the bar.
Freddy tried looking at her, but it was hard work...
She has signs of a beard! Good lord how can that be?
Freddy gulped. He had never felt such a sense of fear not since he had been a prisoner of the cartel. He could feel himself starting to get the shakes, and he was sweating like a man in withdrawal.
Stay calm Freddy stay calm! Let the lady do the talking. At least the food will be nice so at least there is that. And don't forget that lovely delectable window... It is always there waiting to save you! Now! Stay calm. Try to remember the bravery your ancestors bore in the Battle of Hastings! You are a man so act like one! At least you have proven to the world that you can actually attract a woman... sort of...
The walk towards the bar seemed to last a lifetime. As they walked Freddy started developing coping mechanisms in his brain and they worked like this:
She could be a lovely woman! We could have a lot in common. I bet we will spend a lovely day. And at the end of the day it's not someone's looks that matter - NO! It's personality. And I am sure Joanne has a very lovely personality.
I am sure...
I am sure...
I am sure...
Eventually Freddy started trying to convince himself that Joanne wasn't bad looking after all. She just look bad in the daylight. But she was starting to look better in the shadowy darkness of the bar.
Freddy was blown away by how big she was as well, big in all directions. He felt that there was a genuine risk he might be swallowed into her vastness!
Maybe that is her plan? To consume me? NO! Stop speaking to me thou evil demons! Go back to hell!
She was a robust lady, and that is putting it politely. Robust - yes that's it! That was how Freddy was going to describe her to his friends because well rude words like - fat, blubbery, swelling, smelling, hairy, pulsating, sweating, vaguely bearded - well those words would just not do. Absolutely not.
Freddy was going to chose a table for them to sit to, but to his surprise Joanne had already set one up ready for them.
Freddy felt that Joanne was slightly confused because there were already two huge and I mean huge men sitting at the table and so not wishing to offend her he said in a gentle voice,' Joanne. I am sorry. But it looks like that table is already occupied?'
'Those are my sons you dunce!' she retorted. 'Now sit down!'
Freddy did as he was told.
Freddy sat down.
As Freddy took his seat the two huge men dragged their chairs around and sat either side of him.
My gosh! What a duo of fearsome thugs were these fine pair indeed! Tattooed and shaven they looked like they just gotten out of Belmarsh. Freddy did not feel happy. He was claustrophobic at the best of times and being jammed in together by these two beasts made him feel quite nauseous.
Joanne plumped her vastness down on two chairs making the table in front of them shake as she came down and the first thing she said was this:
'If you want to love me you must also love my sons.'
Freddy new it was time for him to put his escape plan into action...
'Okay,' said Freddy in a meek and wobbly voice. 'If you please excuse me I need to relieve myself in the mens room... I drink a lot of water you see, Doctor says I need to keep myself hydrated.'
'Don't be long,' said one of the lads. 'We have got our eye on you!'
Freddy knew that it would look suspicious if he started running and so he stood up slowly and walked slowly, calmly towards the mens room. He looked so natural, so at ease. Nobody watching would have suspected that this was a man about to flee for his life. That display of calmness was Freddy's acute survival instincts kicking in at just about the right time!
But when Freddy finally gained entry of the mens room he violently broke down and started acting like a madman! He was shaking and sweating. He clasped at the window handle. CLUNK! O no! That sound meant that the window was locked! NO! PLEASE NO! FATE I BEG YOU DON'T DO THIS TO ME! I KNOW I AM A SINNER BUT I DON'T DESERVE THIS!
No... wait. There is the latch. I will lift it. Yes the window is opening! YES! I am finally free!
Freddy scrambled out of the window like a desperate soul. Once his feet touched with the firm ground outside he started running like a man being chased by a bear and a rhino!
My great golly gosh how Awful was that?!
"And NO! I will not be doing that again!" Freddy thought as he closed the door on his house!
And that was how the day ended.
(Remember! All spelling errors and grammatical mistakes are intentional - the author 😆)
Previous part here
There is a prequel to this story. Check the link below if you would like to read it: Jim's Subway part 1
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