Jim opened the door and a short rotund gentleman blundered inside. He started looking under the bed, checking through the wardrobe, and then snooped around inside the dresser drawers.
Then he turned round and stormed right up to Jim's face and bellowed, 'Right then you! Where is she? Tell me where she is! I want to know right now!'
Jim was unsure how to respond to this madness. 'Where's who?' he said finally.
Jim was unsure how to respond to this madness. 'Where's who?' he said finally.
'Don't play Mr Innocent with me! I know your sort!'
'Sir I really don't think you do...'
'Then why are you here?'
'I am meeting someone!'
'I knew it! You devil! You swine!'
'Calm down and tell me what this is about please!' said Jim.
'You have been having an affair with my wife haven't you?' the short gentleman returned. 'You are the one she has been seeing! I know it! You turn up out of the blue, dressed up all fancy dancy!'
'Sir please! I implore you! I don't know your wife. And I am a drunk dressed like a tramp! I live in a squalid apartment and hang out with a homeless man! Do I honestly look and sound like a fancy dancy man? If you still think so then please sir offer me up a glass of what you have been drinking because I would sincerely appreciate some of it right now after everything have been through!'
The gentlemen sniffed at him, and then retorted: 'It's a disguise! You are wearing a disguise that is what is going on! This dishevelled coat of yours you bought it form a pantomime shop!'
Jim told the man he had actually found the coat in a bin, which was pretty close to the truth and definitely more exciting than the truth in that he really got it for exchange in a bargain shop after handing over a pair of his old woolly socks.
'Right then this is the next step!' The gentleman demanded Jim to empty his pockets. 'I want to see if you have a phone or are keeping any letters. Don't just stand there like a blithering fool! Jump to your stations! I want to see what you have in your pockets!"
Jim told the man that his pockets were empty and finally proved it by turning them inside out.
The gentleman took and deep breath and polished his spectacles. 'So you can confirm that you are not doodling about with my wife?'
Jim responded:
'Listen sir I don't know your wife. I don't even know her name. I don't even know YOUR name!'
'I think we got off to the wrong start.'
'You can say that again.'
'Okay. If that's what you wish. I think we have got off to the wrong start. My name is Mr Rits. Mr Pollock Rits in full. I am a fine man and I am also a fan of fans, you know the things that keep you dry in summer. I also like wearing tinfoil hats and hiding in the fireplace whenever my Aunt Deirdre comes round to visit with one of her special pies. I eat four meals a day and fast every second day and although I am not a spiritual man I do believe that a man does live on top of the moon.'
'Well that's splendid,' said Jim. Jim gave over his name, told Mr Ritz that he worked in an awful job for a horrible boss and that was all he needed to know about his personal life. Later they shook hands like old lads returning from the wars, or from a heavy night of drinking.
'I didn't mean to put you on blast earlier it's just I have been ever so suspicious of late,' explained Mr Rits. 'It's my wife, you see, Mrs Rits. She hasn't left her bedroom in five days and I am sure she is up to something. I mean she is always out and about and its not normal for her to be housebound like this. I am suspicious of her. I think she is vacating through the back window yonder and from their embarks on a lot of suspicious business in the streets. She is the kind of girl to get up to that sort of thing. You stay clear of her, you hear me Jim? Do it for your own sake. She is not the kind of person you want to get mixed up with. I should know I married her for goodness sake! Six happy years we have been together - it is only the last five that have been unpleasant. Five years of pure darn misery that's what married life has brought to me. Marriage is a horrible business, young Jim. You are better f out of it.'
'As I am a poor tramp I don't have much choice than to just stay out of it,' Jim returned.
'I have known one or two tramps in my time and they were all lusty charismatic men,' said Mr Rits. 'I have already lost two wives to tramps! I will not lose a third! Certainly not to a scoundrel like you! Ah and there I go again giving you a blasting. Sorry about that young Jim. You are a good one I can see that. In fact I will go as far as to say that I actually like you in that I find you quite agreeable.'
Jim didn't know whether to feel relief or a indeed a sense of dread on hearing this.
'Hopefully this ansty business will soon be over with,' said mr Rits. He then proceeded to explain what he meant by this. 'I am going to make a lot of money and run away. That's right, my boy! Listen to me Jim for I am speaking from the heart here. I am going to make enough money to flee Fenwick for good. You see I just found out that there is a lot of money to be made in cotton. That's right my boy! Cotton grows on trees in the swamps of Florida. If one can find a way to navigate the alligators, the reeds, the bugs and certain strange people, you can harvest the cotton from the great populus trees. O it is true! Cotton grows aplenty in those parts! It's a wonderful thing. And people of the swamp fill their beds with the cotton, and they will buy it off you for a huge price! There is money to be made! And coton is the future. And once I have made my fortune in the cotton trade I will flee the walled city and live as a free man in my favourite country, Angola.'
'Well good luck to you,' Jim replied.
Mr Rits sniffed at him and snapped his braces. 'I don't need luck,' he snapped. 'I know I can do this!'
'I have every faith in you.'
'So do I,' the gentleman replied.
Mr Rits announced that he was leaving Jim allowed, saying that, 'I know you and you know me so our business is done!"
Jim was thankful that. the gentleman was going to leave him alone.
But before Mr Rits opened the door, he turned and said:
'Be at ease here in my hotel! Enjoy yourself! BUT if I find you in the company of my wife it will not go well do you hear, sonshine? If I find you with her I will break my foot off inside your nether regions, do you you hear me Jim?'
'I hear you indeed,' Jim replied.
When the gentleman had finally vacated the room Jim proceeded to relock the door and block it with a nearby chair and he also dragged the dressing table over as well for good measure.
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