Obviously...
But luck struck him that day!
It came at him like an arrow!
Straight and true!
My uncle was a janitor by trade, and he was walking from toilet number two to toilet number three when he bumped into a customer asking for directions to the fruit and veg section.
'It's...right at the front of the shop. When you first enter the door. The first thing you see.'
The customer slapped his sides and laughed.
'I'm not that good with this sort of thing!' he replied. 'I don't visits shops often. I spend most of my time in the country. I sell scarecrows by trade!'
Marvellous!
A scarecrow trader!
When my uncle heard this he quickly devised a plan.
'Do you have a scarecrow on you right now?'
'I have a couple in the back,' said the man. 'I can fetch you one now if you've got the money.'
'...I've got the money...'
He didn't. He's wages had been docked.
He would have to find some way of getting the cash!
'O that's great!' said the scarecrow seller. 'I'll be right back!'
Now my uncle needed cash.
His plan wouldn't work without it.
So he walked up to one of the tills and pretended to have a seizure.
The person behind the till ran off to fetch help, and so my uncle had his chance.
He ran up tot he till and grabbed all the cash!
Excellent!
The plan was going well so far!
Once he had what he needed he ran and hid in the back.
He waited for the scarecrow man to return.
It took about five minutes.
Brilliant!
My uncle thrust the cash into the other mans hand. 'Take this!' he said. 'The scarecrow is perfect!'
'I am glad you think so,' said the other man. 'I work hard on my scarecrows. I try to make them look as lifelike as possible! Them crows, you see, them be getting mighty smart of like. Me think they be watching a little bit too much of the old Hitchcock's stuff! Har har!'
My uncle grabbed the scarecrow and ran away to the far corners of the shop.
He then set up a scene.
He stuck a broom up the scarecrow, so he could stand, then shoved him next to the bucket, and a toilet.
He needed to be next to a toilet of course, to show that he was working!
Excellent!
He hung a sign around the scarecrows neck reading:
"Hi! MY name is Clyde! I am a janitor and I work here!"
His manager would see the scarecrow later that day and mumble to himself: 'That is one fine worker I employed. Such a decent man! Works so hard on just one toilet! I wish I had more staff like that!'
Clyde's plan worked a treat!
It was now time to get out of the place and find his car again.
He sooo desperately needed to find his car.
I mean what fool wouldn't?
It had a dead body in it!
Clyde finally found the car, he had to run a couple of miles, but he made it, through desperation.
Good stuff!
Sweating, and exhausted, he checked the boot.
Yes!
The body was still inside.
Nobody had stolen it!
He now had to think about what he was going to do.
Just then, as he stood thinking, the packages of drugs fell out of his coat!
He had been carrying the drugs around with him all day!
At police station...
And at work!!!!
Damn what crazy thing!
He got into the car and drove home.
He thought he would hide the body in his house for a few days.
Just as he pulled his car into the car park and turned off the engines, a limousine drove into view. The limousine stopped right next to his own car, so Clyde had no choice but to face the fancy vehicle when he stepped out.
What was a limousine doing driving around this dingy part of town?
The door to the limousine opened and out stepped a tall bold man dressed in black, with black shades over his eyes. He stood there, arms folded, looking at my uncle, as he stepped out of his car.
Now here my uncle had a dilemma.
Should he get back into his car and drive away...?
Should he ignore the man in black shades...?
But what about the body?
He couldn't leave it in the car unattended...
Okay.
So he decided to say hello.
The man in shades was not impressed.
'What have you got in the boot of the car?' said the man in shades.
Uhh...air?
Again, the man in shades was not impressed.
To my uncles surprise the man in shades introduced himself. He shook my uncles hand and gave his name freely, 'My name is Mila Dimitri.'
'Good to meet you, Mila, sir. My names Clyde.'
'I like your manners Clyde,' said Mila. 'Have you by any chance met a horrible little man called Edward Price?'
'No sir. Never heard of him.'
'A pity. I would pay a man well for any information on Edward Price. Edward Price is my quarry. I hate him. If someone was to kill him I would not only thank them, but hug them, and pay them well. He has done much ill to me and my family in the past. I want him dead more than anything in life itself. If only somebody would kill that vile man!'
'That's interesting,' said Clyde. 'Can we talk in private?'
'Of course!'
My uncle was invited inside the limousine, there he was given a cigar and poured champagne.
They drove him to a very fancy restaurant with some french name my uncle couldn't remember.
Mila ordered a fine meal and it was three hours before they started to talk about Edward Price again.
By that time my uncle was thoroughly drunk and relaxed.
'Edward is dead,' he said. 'I killed him.'
Mila stood from his chair, dropped to one knee, and kissed my uncle Clyde's left hand.
'You are a hero to my people,' said Mila. 'You have killed a great enemy of my family. I will pay you well for this deed!'
Marvellous!
But Mila had one more thing to ask before business was done.
'Was Edward carrying any certain packages?'
My uncle Clyde smiled, gave Mila the wink with his right eye, and slide the drugs into the other mans hands. 'I think these are yours,' he said.
Mila removed his dark shades and my uncle saw the light and joy sparkle in the mans blue eyes.
'You are the greatest man I have ever met!' said Mila to my uncle. 'I shall make you a king beyond kings for this!'
'That's very kind,' my uncle replied.
'Follow me. I have something to show you.'
They returned to the limousine.
They drove a long way.
Long enough for my uncle to sober up.
Finally they stopped by the docks.
They got out of the car and Mila showed my uncle a huge cruise ship.
It was a real fancy ship, very impressive.
My uncle was thinking at the time, "Maybe I have won myself a nice little cruise! It will be wonderful to have a break after all the crazy things that I have been going on!"
Mila slapped my uncle on the shoulder like a friend of old and pointed at the cruiser. 'It's yours,' he said.
WHAT??!!!
'I want you to take care of my ship for a few weeks,' Mila explained. 'I have urgent business to attend to. But I don't want to leave my ship unattended. The Sevastopol is yours! She's a fine ship, comrade Clyde, so be a gentleman and take care of her!'
'This is a bit much you know...'
'I know you can handle it,' said Mila. 'You area man of action, Clyde. I can see that. You are someone who thinks on their feet. Running my ship will be easy to a man like you. I would trust no one else apart from you Clyde to do this thing. You killed Edward Price, my sworn enemy. Not even my best assassins could take that man out. But you succeeded where they failed!'
ASSASSINS??!!!
Mila showed my uncle aboard the ship, and introduced him to the crew.
They looked terrified when they saw Mila, like men at gunpoint, and when they saw Clyde they bowed several times.
'They will serve you loyally,' Mila told my uncle. 'Your first destination is Cuba! Enjoy your trip!'
So Mila took h is leave and my uncle Clyde was left standing on the deck of the ship, with several navy staff who wouldn't stop bowing and thanking him for being such a great leader. He didn't have a clue what to do!
This was the first time he had ever managed a cruise ship...
... Funnily enough...
What could go wrong???
=========
Also take a look at:
Play Given 'em Hell
My YouTube Channel
Witches Brew a short text based adventure game!
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