My uncle Clyde had gotten himself into a mess.
He had gotten caught up in a drug scam..
And now he was the captain of a ship being run by Russian gangsters!
Clyde was finally introduced to the ships captain - Mr Buster (as he called himself) - and funnily enough he wasn't Russian either.
Not really a surprise, what with a name like Buster!
Come on!
Russian?
Buster?
Really? And what goes well with electricity!
The only Russian thing about the man was that he enjoyed a glass of Vodka every now and then.
Glass?
...O sorry I meant bottle.
Yes.
Mr Buster was the very picture of a drunk.
He slurred his words.
And when he walked he leaned ever so dangerously to the left...
...and to the right...
...and to the ground!
You could stick a picture of him in a dictionary with the words THIS IS WHAT A DRUNK LOOKS LIKE AVOID HIM AT ALL COSTS and everyone would be fine with it.
How he ever became the captain of an ocean liner was a mystery more profound than the Bermuda Triangle.
'Buster Ruster,' said the man, introducing himself while shaking my uncle by the hand. 'But people who know me well call me Reese Vandell Chandelier for short!'
'I will stick with just Buster thanks,' my uncle replied.
'No problem.'
'Good! So long as your not offended!'
'Why would I be offended? I wasn't the one who sneezed?'
'Okay... Let's change the subject. So, Buster, what do you want?'
'O nothing sir! Just wanted to check in to see if you are okay! And also to let you know the ship is about to crash.'
Clyde heard the man out and laughed. Of course he thought Buster was only joking about the crash.
But even though he was drunk Buster had a serious look about him.
It was the kind of look that made Clyde feel ever so slightly nervous. 'You're not joking are you?'
'That's why I am drunk right now sir,' said Buster. 'The thought of drinking just makes me want to forget about things!'
'You want to forget about the ship crashing?'
'Sure I do? Who wouldn't want to forget something like that? If one is going to die then it is better for one to out of this evil world blank drunk. I mean, who wants to experience death sober? It's a painful business, sir. Why, I remember when my old Sally died...'
'Sally? O was that your wife? I am sorry...'
'No sir, Sally was my pet hamster.'
'Right okay. Now listen to me. You need to tell me more about this crash.'
'We're currently heading towards an iceberg!'
'Really? Good lord! It's happened again!'
Here Buster started laughing.
'Just joking sir,' he said. 'But wouldn't it be great if it was happening like that again? Why wouldn't that be romantic? Ha! And that guy, David Cameron, will be making another film like he did last time. And we'll be famous and dead! How wonderful!'
'Okay. If we are not crashing into an iceberg what are we really crashing into?'
'Well you won't believe this sir but we are really crashing into a great big fat old whale!'
'A whale??!!'
'Aye sir and I don't mean the country.'
They were speeding into a whale? No way! Buster had to be beyond drunk to be speaking about such crazy things.
Surely?
Or surely not - as it turned out they were indeed heading directly towards a whale...
Clyde didn't who to feel more sorry for, the ship and its crew or the whale.
'There are two whales out there,' said Buster. 'They are in league with each other, and plan to bring our ship down.'
'Since when have whales ever been violent?'
'Since we started charging them for swimming in the Atlantic sir,' Buster replied.
'Okay. Look. We need to get the crew off the ship.'
Buster heard Clyde and cried: 'Forget that malarkey! We've got to get ourselves off first!'
'I thought the captain was supposed to go down with the ship?'
'Forget that old fashioned nonsense!' said Buster. 'This isn't the golden voyage of Sinbad! You've got to think about number one in this day and age!'
'I still feel quite about it.'
'Fine! You drown in cold salt water. I'm getting off with or without you!'
'Now hang on a minute!'
Clyde was not a brave man, he wan't afraid to admit this. He found the idea of drowning abhorrent, so he willingly followed the madman Buster into a safety boat.
And soon they were adrift amid the might waves - lost in the titanic grip of the sea!
Clyde look back and he could still see the ocean liner - apparently doing quite well.
It hadn't sunk yet.
'The whales don't seem to be attacking?'
'And they won't sir,' Buster replied. 'I was only kidding you earlier!'
'What? No! You need to get us back!'
'No chance of that happening now,' Buster replied. 'We've got to keep going to wherever destiny takes us!'
'You madman! Why have you done this? We have no food or water and we're stuck in the middle of the ocean! We could die! This must be a joke! A bad dream! I'm going to wake soon! O please wake up Clyde you fool!'
'No sir!' said Buster. 'I said what I said and did what I did because I felt that we both needed an adventure! And here we are! In the midst of the sea, the unknown, the world our oyster!'
'I preferred it when the world was a snail, stuck in the same place!'
'Well it ain't all that bad then,' said Buster. 'Snails and oysters are related.'
That wasn't the answer Clyde wanted to hear.
'Look, I'll tell you the truth,' said Buster, 'I am not a captain. Actually, I used to be a bus driver. I've never been at sea before, you see... And I am a coward to boot. I'm the kind of guy who'd hide behind his pet dog in a fight. I am a mess of a man. I once did a postman's round for a whole morning because someone threatened to beat me up. So I am sorry to get you in this mess.'
Clyde looked at Buster, the drunken oaf, and felt deeply depressed.
'What about a joke to lift the mood?' said Buster.
'Go on then,' said my uncle.
'Why was Watt Taylor called Watt? Because he kept asking WHAT all the time!'
My uncle sighed and replied, 'Congratulations, Buster! You've just been entered into the Guinness Book of World records for creating the worst joke ever in the history of mankind.'
Buster grinned.
I guess he saw being the originator of the worst joke ever as something to be proud of.
But then he was drunk of course so everything was great as far as he was concerned.
Eventually they sighted land...
Clyde couldn't believe it!
Hooray!
Maybe things weren't that bad after all!
The water carried their boat right up onto the lovely golden beaches of the island, and Clyde leapt out and cried, 'Thank mercy we're saved!'
And then he had to think for five minutes, and then a little niggling thought yapped in his brain, 'But are we really saved?'
They could be anywhere!
Buster was still sat in the boat, moaning very loudly and holding his head with both hands. 'Darn it! I think I be sobering up! It's a miserable thing indeed sir it is indeed! Don't suppose you have a bottle of vodka at all?'
Buster tried to stand, and then fell down.
Clyde did not speak to him again that day and was happy not to.
There was a jungle in the middle of the island. It was vast, and dark, and very frightening to look at!
Suddenly an old withered man came stumbling out of the nearby foliage.
'Stop there my son!' he cried. 'You are new here?'
'I hope so,' Clyde replied. 'If I have been here before I wasn't sober.'
'Well that's okay then,' said the old man. 'My name is Flinster. I'm a bit of a spinster. And a twister. Nice to meet you!'
'Hi Flinster. So where are we?'
'O nowhere except the middle of old nowhere! There's nothing here except me and my bubblegum!'
'What?'
'Didn't you hear me correctly, sir? That's right! I sell gum! Bubblegum! The best fruitiest most favourable gum in all the land! No joke! Try some!'
Flinster forced some gum into Clyde's hand.
Clyde, out of disparity, tried it.
It actually turned out to taste quite good!
'I like this gum!' he said.
'Thank you!' said Flinster. 'I work very hard to make the best most favourable gum.'
'How long have you been stuck on this island - making gum?'
'Ten years now,' Flinster replied. 'I make gum in the name of my beloved Samantha...'
And here the man looked sadly at the ground. 'We built our little gum business together, but sadly she died five years ago.'
'O I am so sorry! Was Samantha your wife?'
'No!' said Flinster suddenly. 'Samantha was my pet chicken. I've never had a wife. I never got into all that marrying business. I'm pretty bad at taking orders you see.'
'I understand what you mean,' Clyde replied.
'If you've got time I'll show you where I work.'
Clyde was stuck on a strange island in the middle of nowhere and wearily explained to Flinster that he was going nowhere fast and he had all the time in the world to do anything random and stupid.
Flinster heard this and was very pleased.
With great enthusiasm he led Clyde through the ways of the jungle...
After some travel they reached a large thatched barn.
They enter, and Clyde beheld an amazing sight...
A whole factory of pipes, tins, and huge cauldrons heaving out rings of multicoloured smoke.
The whole building was alive with the sound of drumming and pipping as the machinery turned and swirled the fruity juices in their steel gullets and vomited out line after line of delicious gum.
Clyde was amazed, impressed and frightened at the same time.
Flinster had been very busy - carrying out his industry with great zeal and fervour.
But the man had to be insane as well to have built all of that - all those machines... He could have done anything - ANYTHING. I mean he had the resources, obviously, why not build a boat and sail away?
But yet he chose to remain...
...And build a factory...
HE HAD TO BE MAD!!!!
Flinster started to speak:
'Do you know what the main ingredient is to my beloved gum?'
'Apples? Coconuts? I don't know you tell me?'
'It used to be antelopes. But then we ran out of those. So now we use... HUMANS!'
Flinster grappled Clyde to the ground.
Clyde tried to shove the madman off - but Flinster had his claws in him and struck out with the strength of a madman. 'I am going to put you in the cauldron boy!' Flinster cried with lunacy flowing freely in his voice. 'I am going to cook you up and turn you into gum! That's right boy! We're going to make bubbles out of you!'
Just when it seemed it was all going to end badly for Clyde there was the sound of gunfire - above and below it came - and before you could say oranges and lemons they were surrounded by the American Army!
One GI took a hold of Flinster and threw him aside. Another grabbed Clyde by the hand and pulled him to his feet. 'Thanks son,' said the soldier. 'You helped us track down Flinster McSpinster. Number one wanted criminal in the known world. He's been turning people into bubblegum for nine years now. We didn't know where he was, but thanks to you and your radio message we finally got him!'
RADIO MESSAGE??
Just then Buster entered. He shook Clyde by the hand and explained that he was a secret agent working for NASA all along. 'Thanks for keeping us amused Clyde,' said Buster. 'The drunken thing was really just an act, though I did get drunk in real life in order to make sure nobody discovered my secret identity. It may have given me gout but it was worth it to get our hands on this most terrible criminal. Thank you Clyde! Is there anyway we can do to repay you, son?'
'Well it would be awfully nice if you could take me home. All this being adrift is terribly depressing. I just want my normal life back, yes even my boring old floor cleaning job. Anything is better than being chased around jungle-islands by mass murdering bubblegum producers.'
Buster said he was more than happy to help, and within a day Clyde was back home again!
What a crazy time!
'I better get to bed and get ready for work!'
Just then Clyde felt in his pockets and brought out piece of Flinster's fruity bubblegum.
Clyde looked at the gum and chuckled to himself. 'A souvenir from my adventures!'
I don't think so!
'You don't know where that bubblegum's been! I don't want it! Good riddance to gum!'
Clyde rolled the gum up and stuck it on a nearby lamp post.
Time to go home...
Then a voice shouted, 'I saw that!'
And a policeman jumped out of a hedge!
'I've been watching you!' he said. 'You looked suspicious, loitering around this quiet and peaceful part of town. And then I catch you red handed!'
'Catch me red handed doing what?'
'Defiling that lamppost of course!' said the policeman. 'That's littering that is sir. That is polluting the atmosphere!'
'Polluting the atmosphere? You must be joking?'
'I never joke sir! And I don't like your lip either! I shall be adding verbal abuse to the list as well!'
'Verbal abuse? List? Look here I can just grab the gum...'
'It's too late for that my boy,' said the policeman. 'I am taking you in!'
'You actually going to do this? You actually going to arrest me?'
'It's my civic duty sir,' said the policeman. 'Now follow me to the station!'
Clyde was eventually charged with loitering, littering, backchat in the presence of an officer of the law and disrespectful conduct in a public area.
He got a criminal record and spent a week in prison...
And that was how my uncle Clyde got himself arrested!
And it would not be the first time it would happen either...
But that is another story!
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